Are child support and petrol money the same thing?

[Pawslikepaddington]

I drive dd to her dad's every two weeks, and he gives me the petrol money for it. It is a big trip, so it costs £60 in petrol.

The CSA have (finally, after 5 fecking years!!) made a decision and said that dd's dad should be paying £30 a week maintenance. He says the petrol money is the maintenance money, but I am really strapped at the mo so need the money as money IYSWIM.

He owes 5 years of backpay, but for 3 of them I was on income support as I was studying towards getting onto a degree course. The CSA have said that if we don't sort out the financial side between the two of us, they will only pursue him for arrears from now on (i.e. he will always be 5 years behind), and the money will go straight to IS, so I will get nothing. Is this a normal payment situation? I am at a loss!

I moved as I got the uni place I had been working for. We used to live in the next town from her dad, so he always did the driving then. I don't know why this never went to court actually tbh!

Well, then, I think a judge would probably consider 50:50.

I know that my DH moved away from his elder kids for work and he's ALWAYS done (and paid for) all travel costs (but there again, we pay for everything now!!! - that's a whole other story!!)

Can you speak to CAB or a solicitor?

Do you have any agreements in place?

firstly can i just say that you are obviously a very good mother for putting your child first. my heart goes out to you. but i think you clearly could do with the money to make life easier for you and your little one. You are right, it is important for a child to have contact with her/his father but only if it is two way. In the long term, if he is not interested then it will be easier now to get her used to the idea then when she is older??? (perhaps, i dont know, its late iykwim???) and also think, if you stop driving up, then he might actually surprise you and get of his backside and come and visit her...

He is a cheeky, tightwad, non-caring fuckwit!
Stop playing his game.

PawslikePaddington - he really is a selfish git. Don't set your daughter up for a huge fall. As she gets older she will realise how self-centred he is. I think that you need to sort this out now whilst she is little. It will do her more damage to have an disinterested father than if she didn't see him at all. Could you cut back to a monthly visit?
Try to come to an agreement without using the CSA. They just confuse matters and upset everybody. To be fair, he should be paying 50% of your travelling costs as well as a weekly amount. I think that your 4 hour journey is daft. You are endangering yourself by doing it.

You can 'treat' your daughter to awful, trashy, commercial things sometimes you know! It's not always soooo awful to give her Coke, watch Scooby Doo (what is so wrong with Scooby Doo btw?) & have the odd McDonalds. What do you mean by not being very good at these things? Unfortunately, these are the kind of things your daughter will remember as she grows up. 'Mummy didn't let me have this', 'Mummy didn't let me do that'. I don't mean she has to do those things but if one parent is totally against it and the other all for it then it does set up a very clear divide. I'm assuming that you look down your nose at those kind of things? Why can't you do a bit of everything? Wholesome earth mum with a bit of junk thrown in?!

My partner does all the driving to pick up and drop off my dsd. It is a total of 360 miles each week at a minimum.

We pay all petrol monies and pay maintenence on top. We do this because dsd's mother cannot afford to contribute to the travel costs and we wouldn't consider asking for her to.

If i were you i would write to your ex and his parents, make it a non-confrontational letter that states just how much your dd loves them all and enjoys her time there, but make it clear that you simply cannot afford to keep up the current arrangement. Make it clear that you are struggling to pay for basics, it's not a case of you wishing to halt or impede contact, it's a case of hardship.
Give them two options;

1. You will drive halfway and take the costs out of maintenence paid through the CSA.

1. They will do all the travelling, you will contribute 50% of the petrol money. Your ex must pay the sum assessed by the CSA each wee.

I know it's heartbreaking to have a child sobbing about these issues, (my dd has no contact with her bio father) but you have to think long term not just financially, but emotionally as well.
If your ex is refusing to consider the impact the excessive travel is having on your finances and ergo his dd's life then he is clearly a selfish sod. How reliable do you think he will be in the future.
It is possible to put your foot down without being contentious.

personally i wuld accept his £30 a week and then tell him he has to make alternative arrangments to collect dd.

if he can afford mcdonalds, hanna montana duvets etc. he can afford to contribute to his child.

personally i would call his bluff and tell him that the money he has given you has gone on food for DD and you have none left for petrol. therefore if he wants to see her, he'll have to put some more money in your account.

not sure if its the same thing but exP has finally after 3 years agreed to pay something towards DS's nursery costs. I have been told by CSA and income support that this does not count as maintenance as it does not come to me directly for the welfare of DS.

i agree with idrank about the long term thing here...