Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Ex husband took DD and wouldn't return her

54 replies

MrsParker · 12/03/2009 23:33

My ex husband took our daughter who is 5 out Sunday 1st march. Said he'd return her at 5pm.
he called at 4.45pm to say that she was not coming home, that she wants to live with him. Very upset, begged him to bring her home but he wouldn't.
Called police and social services out of hours team, but as he has parental responsibility he could keep her. Police advised him to take her to school monday.
He took her to school monday, I was there waiting. He said he'd be picking her up later.
Went to solicitor, she advised me to collect daughter early from school, which i did. School said ex husband had been on phone, asking school to ask dd wh she wanted to collect her. As joint parental responsibility school say either of us can collect her, so they can't stop him.

I am going to court to get an interim residence order, dd has always lived with me since seperation in 2005. He took me to court for contact, i asked for a drug test, and he withdrew his application for contact. I have promoted supervised contact for the last few years at my home. I allowed unsupervised contact for the 1st time in Aug 2008. He has been very unreliable, and i suspect he still uses drugs. She had never stayed with him before. This was only the 3rd unsupervised outing they'd had. He argued with me before he took her as CSA have just started a dedustion of earnings and he's not happy.

My problem is that my solicitor says court date will be in 2 to 3 weeks. School can not stop him collecting her from school, or taking her out of school early.
She was off last week with a sore throat. Off this week with tonsillitus, saw doctor monday.
The school will not entertain home schooling as a temporary measure until i have an interim residence order and a prohibited steps order to stop him taking her from school.

They say she either comed to school, or i remove her from their register as home schooled?
Anyone got any idea what I can do? Solicitor said to talk to LEA. Which i did, said its down to school what they do.
Anything i can do legally to speed process up. Don't have ex-husbands address, need judge to get police to release it to my solicitor to serve papers.
Anything i can do about the school? I want to protect her, and if i send her to school he can take her
Will post in legal & lone parent section? Would you send your dd to school knowing this?

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 13/03/2009 00:27

If there are no official arrangements then she is the primary carer but that doe not stop him collecting from school, having the child overnight or anythign else.

I know it is shocking that a school can't help but, the fact is, if they did step in without proof then vindictive parents could cause all sorts of problems for their ex partners. It is not a schools job to sort through all of this.

Perhaps you could speak to the police? They may be happy for you to ask the school to call the police if he turns up so he will be stopped at the entrance. You could then get you solicitor to wrte to the school with the relevant information (phone numbers,case number etc) and copy it to his solicitor (fax it for speed). The thought of the police turning up to the school might be enough to make him back off for now?

GypsyMoth · 13/03/2009 00:27

Send her to private school!!! If it's you paying the fee's then I don't think he's able to remove her(read that on mn before I think!!!!!) but might not be true........or affordable!!

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 13/03/2009 00:27

No, having PR isn't the same as care and control.

I'm not sure that the school is legally allowed to let him take your child when you are the parent with care and control who has requested that they don't. That's why I really think you

KingCanuteIAm · 13/03/2009 00:29

Scrooged that is a list of key roles not a definitive list of everything PR gives you!

KingCanuteIAm · 13/03/2009 00:33

The school CANNOT stop him taking her - I know this I have been in this situaition. In fact I still am to some degree. It is not to do with fees it is to do with PR and access rights.

The op has nothing official to say he can only have supervised contact or anything else, on what grounds can the school stop him?

scrooged · 13/03/2009 00:34

No but PR does not entitle him to collect her child from school. He has a say where she goes to school, a right to a copy of the school report etc but there's no intrinsic right for him to take her from school.

here

I used to train as a peads nurse after I did my law degree, we used to stop parents/other people coming on to the ward if we were told by the main carer that they were not allowed.

onebatmother · 13/03/2009 00:35

have you had a meeting with the head in person? Mentioning ex's drugs, never had an overnight before this unscheduled one, child wetting bed etc, solicitor organizing court date to get residence order etc? She sounds utterly mad tbh, as Bella says.

Tactically:

If you manage to get a meeting, take someone else who looks professional to 'assist me with note-taking, which might be required should I wish to challenge the school's intransigence on this matter, with the LEA" - this might freak HT out enough to get her to back off for a bit.

If HT refuses a meeting, write (drop letter off that same day, having taken a copy) asking for her refusal to be put in writing, again "for my records should I wish to challenge the school's position with the LEA".

Continue written communication with the school, noting and challenging their intransigence and their refusal to use their discretion - it would be v hard for them to remove dd from the roll instantly if you maintain contact.

Talking out of my arse in this particular subject, but with some experience of successfully challenging schools' behaviour.

Good luck.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 13/03/2009 00:35

I think the school can stop him on the grounds that he is not the parent with c&c and he is breaching the contact arrangements. I don't think NRP's can just willy nilly change arrangements like this, it's chaos. Maybe you should call one of those helplines as well KC!

GypsyMoth · 13/03/2009 00:38

Er,he has no contact details.......would that not go against him. He would surely need to Fill out forms with this info, if he would give it

KingCanuteIAm · 13/03/2009 00:40

Having had several years of it I have called most of the helplines.

A school needs more than just a parents say so. Any parent can say they have C&C. How is the op to evidence this and that this is not an agreed change in arrangements to the school? Answer? she can't because she has no offical record of arrangements, this is why I suggested the police and solicitor. Yes the system is an ass with these things but there we are.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 13/03/2009 01:05

Not to worry you unnecessarily but given that your XH is playing silly buggers: does your DD have a passport and if so, who has it?
If she hasn't got one, get one for her so he can't.

Original poster
MrsParker · 13/03/2009 08:17

I know the school has its hands tied to a degree, just wish they could be a little more flexible. will try and see head teacher, but i think they are clear on situation and are not willing to get involved

She has a passport and i have it

Thanks for all the ideas

OP posts:
AramintaAlice · 13/03/2009 10:31

Ohhh yes Littlebella, I forgot that small point about the school not being obliged to take her back

Like you say though, I don't think I'd want her back there particularly - what a horrible bunch

piratecat · 13/03/2009 10:35

hang on a min. I thought that joint parental responsibility is one thing. Residency is another. Does your child have residency with you, formally.?

Original poster
MrsParker · 13/03/2009 10:44

he never disputed where she lived on our divorce in 2006. So an order for residency was not needed. So now this has happened I need to get a residency order

OP posts:
piratecat · 13/03/2009 10:48

oh i see. god this is awful for you. i only remembered that in mine it was written in the statement of arrangements, that she lived with me. I thought that meant it was legal thing? iyswim

milou2 · 13/03/2009 10:48

Before I deregistered DS2 the Head teacher said it would be extremely difficult for him to get a place at the school again in the future.

Soon enough after I had deregistered DS2 the same head teacher said that DS2 would be most welcome to apply to rejoin the school.

In fact DS2 did want to go back so I arranged it and the head was quick to offer him a place. The numbers of children in that year allowed for him to rejoin. I assume that if there had been a sudden influx of applicants then DS2 would not have been able to go back. But that would have been fair enough and I took that chance.

racmac · 13/03/2009 12:07

HAvent read all the posts but believe me the education dept will not get the arses into gear within 2 weeks to prosecute you - just keep her off school.

You have every right to deregister her and say she is being home educated with immediate effect but it may be that when you try to reinstate her to that school they have no spaces available - how subscribed is the school?

The school is in a very difficult position - they can not get involved in this kind of thing.

My advice would be to keep her off sick and just send a letter to the school saying shes poorly - end of story - make sure the Jusge addresses this situation at Court

Original poster
MrsParker · 13/03/2009 12:23

It was written in my statement of arrangements on divorce that she would live with me, so no order needed. I didn't realise that meant he could take her and i couldn't get her back. So now i need the residence order.

OP posts:
babybarrister · 13/03/2009 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsParker · 13/03/2009 15:16

I am asking for a prohibited steps order as well to stop him collecting her from school, but it all takes time!!!
Wrote a letter of complaint to school today about their unsympathetic attitude, see what happens!!!

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 13/03/2009 15:51

I really do sympathise MrsParker, it is such a tough one to battle against and it seems that the battle always comes at a terrible time (ie when something happens and you are already terrified and in shock). Sorry if I came across as unfeeling but I felt it was most important that someone gave you more correct information rather than tell you the things we would all like to think was the way it works.

Have you asked your solicitor to clarify what they can and cannot do to help you with the school?

I really hope he backs off now you are taking positive steps against him.

Original poster
MrsParker · 13/03/2009 16:00

Solicitor said to talk to local education authority, which I did, they said its down to the school. so no luck
Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 13/03/2009 16:17

I wish I had some top tip for you to get round it but I know I ran into the same brick wall.

One of the things the school have introduced now (following the uproar I caused!) is a sign out sheet where a form is sent home with the child to be completed with the name, address, signature and a password for anyone who has permission to collect the child. This seems to work well as it gives the school a good reason to refuse to allow a child to leave (at least until they can contact the resident parent for confirmation). The only potential problem I could see is if the non-resident parent happens to collect the child on the day the form is sent home and fills it in/sends it back without your knowledge IYSWIM.

I know it doesn't help much right now but perhaps you could suggest it to the head as a solution to cover their backs and give you the reassurance you need.

usernamechanged345 · 14/03/2009 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.