Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Where to start when DH has left us

17 replies

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 19:56

Can anyone give me some starters for what I need to do? DH decided to move out for a while on New Year's Day and went to stay at his parents. He has now decided he's not coming home and will be looking for somewhere to rent. He doesn't earn a huge salary and although he's been paying me enough since he left, he won't continue with so much if he has to pay normal rent aswell. I have no idea where to start in sorting out the financial issues including whether I get to stay in our house (joint mortgage) as well as maintenance. Tried to get through to Citizens Advice last week but they were busy every time I tried.

DS is 10 months old and I am not working at the moment but probably will have a job offer in September.

Thanks.

OP posts:
paranoidmother · 08/03/2009 20:51

I would suggest speaking to who you have the mortgage with and how it stands. Just in case of payment problems. Keep going with trying to get to Citizens advice. here

Make sure you have a list handy of what money you think DH will pay and any other incoming money and outgoings.

Good Luck

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:03

Thanks paranoidmother. Cheers.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 09/03/2009 05:23

Hi Lisa, firstly can I say how sorry I am for what has happened. What a shitty thing for your DH to do on NYD.
You need to seriously consider going to see a lawyer that specialises in family law. CAB are not always that helpful and can sometimes give bad advice as you have to bear in mind that the majority of the people who work there are not legally qualified. They should however be able to point you in the direction of a family lawyer or else simply look in your yellow pages. If possible, try to find a lawyer with a public funding (legal aid) franchise. These are few and far between unfortunately but would be best to find one as you may well be elgible for public funding (legal aid) depending on the available capital assets you and DH have. I would also recommend finding a lawyer who is a member of Resolution (look out for this on their adverts) as these lawyers tend to be able to reach a more amicable agreement than non-resolution members.

It is still very early days and you may therefore not be thinking about divorce/legal separation but you need to know where you stand financially.

Your DH is legally obliged to support you and DS and has been so far. Clearly things will be tighter financially once he is in rented accommodation but he can't simply turn the tap off and stop paying you.
In the short term, speak to your mortgage lender to see if you can take a payment holiday or perhaps re-mortgage on more favourable terms. In the long term, you need to consider whether it is viable for you to remain in the former matrimonial home (FMH) If it is a modest house, ie a 2 bedroom which is the minimum you require for you and DS then it seems pointless selling and you should be able to stay in the FMH although obviously you will need to come to some sort of arrangement with your DH about how/when he could realise his share of the equity.
If however the house is larger than your requirements, ie a 3/4 bed house then your DH could potentially argue that you are 'overhoused' and that the FMH should be sold and a smaller/cheaper property purchased for you. Again, some sort of agreement would need to be reached with regards to your DH's share of the equity and any other matrimonial assets. It is quite common (if viable) for the wife to remain in the FMH (or a cheaper property if sold) and for the H to receive his share at a later date, the usual triggers being the child reaching 16/17/ceasing full time education, the wife's re-marriage (in some areas some Judges will also say cohabitation) or the wife's death or voluntary sale of the property. (or you could buy him out if possible) It is not automatically a 50/50 division of the equity. Lots of other factors need to be taken into account, to include any other assets and your DH's pension provision if any. Sometimes this can be a significant matrimonial asset.

With regards to maintenance, he is legally obliged to support your DS. The Courts no longer have the jurisdication to make child maintenance Orders although they can approve any financial agreement reached which incorporates child maintenance. The CSA previously dealt with child maintenance and for 1 child the rate was 10% for one child (of your DH's net income, defined as gross income less tax, NI and pension contributions) Last November the CSA was replaced by a new governing body and I think the assessment rates are similar but don't quote me on this.

As paranoid says, make a thorough list of your requirements, ie mortgage, council tax, utilities, food & housekeeping, clothes and other things like prescriptions, dental, opticians, clothing and other non regular outgoings that still add up over the year.

If things are amicable between you and DH it may be worth you attending mediation in an attempt to resolve outstanding issues. Mediation can sometimes assist parties reaching an agreement on matters such as financial support and issues relating to children, ie residence and contact.
I would recommend contacting Resolution who can help you find a specialist family mediator and perhaps a family lawyer who will hopefully help you reach an amicable settlement.
Good luck

lisalollipop · 09/03/2009 20:03

Thank you so much mumoverseas. That's exactly the kind of info I was hoping for and need. I will look into the family lawyer and legal aid too. I have been given an appointment with CAB next week so will go to that but bear in mind the lawyer option too. Really helpful to know about the house situation. Ours is a small 2 bed house so that's good to know we should hopefully be able to stay here.

Thank you, that's been really good to read all of that.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 10/03/2009 05:11

sounds promising that you and DS can remain in the FMH. Your (D)H cannot argue that you are overhoused and in the current financial situation in the UK he would be hard pushed to argue that you should move into rented accommodation so hopefully you and DS are safe in your home.
Don't forget to look into stuff like benefits and also, as you are the only adult in the house now, you should apply for a 25% reduction in council tax.
Good luck next week and hope you get things sorted as amicably as possible.

lisalollipop · 10/03/2009 21:35

Thanks again mumoverseas.

Was doing my sums last night though. (D)H doesn't earn a huge salary and 10% of that is not going to cover the mortgage plus bills. Have no idea how much income support is but probably not enough to cover all of that? So I guess that may mean we have to sell the house (if possible right now).

It's all a worry. On top of the sadness.

Thanks.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 11/03/2009 05:59

Lisa, try not to worry and don't even think about selling the house now. HUGE step backwards to go into rented house now as you may never be able to get back on the property ladder. In any case, often the rent can be as much, if not more than the mortgage.

The 10% is just a guesstimate for CHILD maintenance that your DH will have to pay. Bearing in mind your circumstances, ie at home with a young baby and not practical for you to work at this time, you have a good case for spousal maintenance. This is a type of maintenance for YOU, which would top up the child maintenance and hopefully enable you to remain in the FMH. Spousal maintenance is normally paid for a limited period, between 1 to 4/5 years depending on the circumstances and would usually allow the mother to re-train (if she had previously given up a career to be a SAHM) or to allow the mother time to get the young child settled at nursery/school and get back to work. The idea is that it allows the mum to get back on her own two feet as soon as is practical.
So don't worry at this time about selling the house, that should be the last resort.
Talk to the mortgage company about a payment holiday or maybe extending the term of the mortgage which will bring down the monthly payments. Contact your local council about your reduction in council tax and apply for any benefits you can.

Will your DH go to relate/mediation in the hope of saving your marriage? Even if you decide it is over, mediation would help you resolve issues ref the finances and your son.

Don't stress and worry too much, you need to be a relaxed mum for the sake of your DS. Good luck x

lisalollipop · 11/03/2009 08:24

Thanks, you are great!

We have been going to Relate and have another session tomorrow night. I continue to have a little hope and lots of determination!

You have been so helpful and put my mind to rest a bit on the financial side.

Thanks x

OP posts:
jellyjelly · 11/03/2009 09:20

gingerbread are fabuluos and much better than cab who i thought was crap to be frank.

Get your child benefit paid out of joint accounts if they are there. Get onto tax credits and again get it changed into your bank not a joint one.

lisalollipop · 11/03/2009 19:05

Gingerbread - will look into that. Thank you. Child benefit and tax credits already paid into mine. Cheers.

OP posts:
babybarrister · 12/03/2009 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisalollipop · 12/03/2009 22:23

Will do thanks

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 12/03/2009 22:31

Also some men who are obliged to pay don't (I;m not saying he won't but consider it). You said you may go back to work later this year. I worked when I had babies and when I split up it certanily helped that we had two full time wages because it's very expensive to keep two homes going on one income and in time he will want aplace the child can go to stay in too.

Make sure you have your marriage cert, details of all his bank accounts, pensions and if the records are still at home his P60 and financial things you might find useful if you end up in dispute with him over money.

If on his wage and your benefits (or wage) it is possbile to pay his rent and the mortgage you probably can stay where you are. If there is no chance then houses sometimes have to be sold but would be better you both got full time work and even one of you worked some evenings too just to stay in a nice house you own rather than some insecure rented place.

I expect any equity in the house is not very much so yoiu remortgaging to pay him his 50% of that is probably not feasible. Instead he may get less than 50% if he earns more than you and perhaps not receive it until you remarry or cohabit or sell the house or the child is 18 - then you sell and split the proceeds in the % agreed in your final agreed court consent order on the divorce if it comes to divorce.

usernamechanged345 · 12/03/2009 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lisalollipop · 12/03/2009 22:46

It's all rotten isn't it? Thanks for your advice. WIll go and hunt down bank stuff etc. Sigh.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 13/03/2009 09:49

Yes, 15% but less the time the child is with the other parent which of course might be 50% of the time and there's no assumption women should get children any more than men. Best if people work that out for themselves. Our court order says taht whoever teh chilren live with I pay school and university fees (as I earn more)

mumoverseas · 13/03/2009 13:11

MrsP, thanks for correcting me on the %, babybrain was at work then Has CMEC not totally kicked in then yet as promised/threatened last November?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread