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Help desperately needed!?!

8 replies

Astarte · 12/01/2009 17:29

Okay, this is for my sister.

Last May her husband of 7 years decided he no longer wanted to be with her and suggested a separation. She was devastated and had no idea it was coming.
They have 2 children together (4 & 2 years old). They both have their own businesses and share the mortgage. The house is one owned by my sister before they met, but they've both contributed to the mortgage.

To cut a long story short they reconciled and everything seemed to be going well when she discovered he had at that time been involved with someone else and wa still in contact. He denied a physical relationship, but has since admitted it wasn't innocent.

She has had enough and told him she didn't want him anymore and shortly after their separation has met someone else (it's early days, but she seems happy).

She initially moved to my mum's because he was constantly harrassing her around the house. He didn't go to work for 2 weeks, just sat around the house arguing with her or watching her every move. She felt uneasy and needed some space, he wouldn't leave so she did, but my mum lives nearly an hour away and childcare/nursery/work made this situation difficult.

They agreed he could have unrestricted access to the children (pre-arranged) but that he would reside temporarily with his mother (locally) to allow the children's routine to return. He has always worked long hours, never taken a role in the children's care and my sister felt that her eldest was beginning to find the father in the home all the time a strange and unsettling occurrence.

He has, as he did with his 1st wife/divorce, transferred the business and assets into someone else's name so that it appears he does not own anything or earn a wage (father I think). She's not bothered about this at all, doesn't expect a penny from him, just wants rid of him and to stay in the home. He did originally try to buy her out (borrowed money from his father), took pictures of all the furniture etc, but on her family's advice has decided to try and figure out how to afford to stay in the home herself.
See she used to have a small mortgage, but remortgaged to give him money to put into his business, which he has since folded and set up once more in an employee's name, so technically he owns nothing.

Being a control freak that he is he has decided he can't live without, has left suicide notes and disappeared for days, followed her when she has been out. He has admitted to sending his bf round at 2am to see if another man was at the home. He has also admitted to 3 separate occasions where he watched her from the back fence to see if she had anyone there.
He has continually bombarded her with texts/calls where he seems to swing from nasty/vindictive to sobbing/expressing undying love for her.
She has kept the notes/texts etc.

It's now 2 months later and he has decided he will file for divorce citing adultery on her behalf! He has been to see a solicitor who has advised him to move back into the family home, but he is prone to fibs, so she doesn't know if this is either true or possible.

She thinks it's because she will only answer his texts and calls if it's to do with the kids and he is furious that she has met someone else.
She was frightened he would come in the middle of the night into the house, when he was ranting at her and ringing my mum constantly saying he was going to kill himself and if he couldn't have my sister no one would etc etc, so she had the locks changed, but he is not aware of this yet.

Where does she go from here? Does she have the right to tell him he cannot return to the marital home? Is she better to seek a solicitors advice herself to check out what he is saying? Is there a way in which she can halt any move back into the marital home whilst they divorce, say?

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
nannyL · 12/01/2009 17:48

could she go to the police to get an order that he cnat go near her?

I cant stand people who manipulate people using "if i dont get my own way i will kill myself"... (like my nasty evil step dad does to my mother... then he did it to me (after he had violently attacked me and i said i was going to nthe police and did... anyway i told him "Good, GO and kill yourself, will save the hassel of a divorce!"... and he didnt and as far as im aware he hasnt said it again!

Next time i saw him i told him "Bugger, i thought you would be dead by now!"

i think if she feels at all threatened she needs to go to the police, and not allow him to emotionaly black mail her

Astarte · 12/01/2009 18:09

They're attention seekers aren't they?
She was hoping to end things amicably at first, but it soon became clear that wasn't going to be an option. She's not sure whether she can afford a divorce either. I did wonder with some sort of Exclusion Order was possible, but thought there might need to be history of domestic violence for it to be granted.

He seems to find it difficult that he isn't in her every thought. I advised her to ignore any texts that weren't to do with the kids, so he started texting her 20-30 msg's a day simply asking her how the kids were, then when she replied "fine, would you like to see them?" he would then try to declare his love etc, not answering the access question. The kids don't ever ask where he is, which is sad.

He has never bothered with them at all, staying in bed until they've gone to Nursery or leaving early in the morning before they get up, then not returning until 9pm most nights, except when he had custody of his 2 boys from his previous marriage, which he religiously maintains contact with (as he should).

He even told her she would have to pay his ex's maintenance/csa last month because he doesn't earn anything, but I don't think that's right either.

The thing is I'd bet next months mortgage payment that if she said she wanted to reconcile he'd only stick about for a couple of weeks then he'd leave her. He's not happy that she's the one who ended it. It's all about control isn't it?

OP posts:
CatMandu · 12/01/2009 18:13

I watched a documentary the other day the police said there were key phrases that they treat as dangerous coming from an ex or stalker. One of those was 'if I can't have you, no-one can'. Get her to call the Police and under no circumstances allow him to move back in, he sound very worrying.

Astarte · 12/01/2009 18:23

She's ringing me later when the kids have gone to bed as she doesn't like to discuss the situation when they're around. I'll let her know your thoughts, thanks.

If he tried to get back in I think she'd be out of the house like a shot. she did actually say that if he tried to get in she would call the police saying she was afraid, then she actually changed the locks so perhaps she does have grounds after all.

Does it not end up being one word against another.....though she has kept all texts etc.

OP posts:
CatMandu · 12/01/2009 18:31

keep a diary

He IS stalking btw.

corygal · 14/01/2009 14:21

How awful for you and the whole family.

I would suggest your sis calls the police - this week - and makes an appointment, at which the police will come round and tell her what they can do to protect her. I would also suggests she contacts the children's school(s) once she has done this, and advise your family not to take the man's calls.

She - or you - must record the threats and abuse.

Your sister really needs a lawyer. Sounds to me as if the gentleman is using a keen knowledge of his rights to further abusing hers, so don't pay attention to anything he says he is entitled to unless it has been cross-checked by your lawyer.

Do not underreact, and good luck.

Astarte · 14/01/2009 21:42

She is keeping a diary of events and is figuring out how to record phonecalls. She has stopped answering the landline.

She never rang me back that night, he rang her just as she got the kids to bed and said he hadn't actually seen a solicitor (told you he tells lies didn't I?), but that 'a friend of a friend advised him'.

He said he wasn't happy that her new male friend was spending more time with the kids than he was.
Apparently, they (sis and new man) went for walk to the park where the kids had a whale of a time, but kids relayed this (obv, innocently) to him and his mother. The phonecall ended with him hanging up and her MIL calling her straight back with a load of verbal abuse, calling her a slut and that if anything were to happen to "her son, she'd better watch out".

She's logged this call. I have told her to contact the police about harrassment and to consider whether the MIL should be allowed access to the children as she is clearly poisonous. I think she's considering this.

She's made an appt to see a solicitor because she knows that until everything is legally sorted with custody, finances etc it's just going to drag on.

Thanks to everyone for the replies, it has helped greatly.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 15/01/2009 04:51

Hi Astarte,
your sister needs to instruct a family lawyer to represent her. With regards to the house, if he is as crazy as he sounds she needs to consider an Occupation Order/Non-Molestation Order. Basically, these orders are forms of injunction which if granted will allow her to remain in the house with him being excluded (Occupation Order) and prevent him from harassing her/stalking etc and keeping a certain distance from her (Non-Molestation Order) I'm not 100% clear on whether the house is still in her sole name or whether it was subsequently transferred into their joint names after their marriage? Even if in her sole name, if he has a good lawyer they will no doubt argue that the house is a matrimonial asset and he therefore has a right to reside there pending resolution of ancillary relief matters (the financial aspects of the breakdown of their marriage). She therefore needs to keep (as others have suggested) a diary of various different incidents to include the numerous calls/texts/threats etc. This will strenghten her case for needing the protection of the Occupation/Non-Molestation Order.
With regards to the divorce itself, why should he petition on HER adultery when it was HIS behaviour that caused the breakdown of the marriage? She should consider issuing a petition on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour. Again, the diary would be very useful as some of the incidents from that could be used to form the particulars of his unreasonable behaviour in the petition.

Finally, with regards to him seeing the children, if he really is making all sorts of threats, ie suicide etc is he really stable enough to have unsupervised contact with the children? I would say not (better safe than sorry) and maybe she should be insisting on only supervised contact, perhaps by a friend or trustworthy family member. Good luck to her

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