Pregnant and worried about baby having contact with father

[tristaleejac]

Hi I'm 15 weeks pregnant. I have in the last few days left my partner because he wont give up his cannabis habit. He is now shouting about fighting for the baby once it is born. I am terrified. I do not even want him to have the baby unsupervised because he willingly drives under the influence of cannabis (says it no longer affects him although any sane person can see it does), and he also sees no problems in smoking cannabis in house when kids are there (because they'll be in their beds sleeping) Plus I hate the thought of him being solely responsible for the baby while he's been smoking it.
Please help if you can I know he's going to fly off the handle when I tell him he cannot have the baby for weekends (he believes he has no drug problem whatsoever and always says I'm the selfish bitch for having such a hate for drugs)
It's not that I don't want him to see the baby for that long, I just wouldn't trust him overnight to be safe.
His gran who brought him up also tells him how ridiculous I am for having a problem with the cannabis, which fuels his anger for me even more.
I'm at my wits end.
I've even been selfishly thinking about not putting his name on the birth cert until he has proven he'll be a responsible and safe father. I'd never ever stop my child having a relationship with his/her dad. If necessary, and with another adult there if possible, I'd allow him to spend the weekend at mine (not overnight though) just so he could see baby for a decent amount of time. I just want to do everything I can to guarantee the safety of the baby.

You don't have to allow him to have baby overnight until it is over 1yr, if you are breastfeeding potentially even longer.

If you don't put his name down the as you know he wouldn'y have parental responsibility, not sure if you can add him on at a later date.

I understand your concerns, maybe he will change once baby has arrived?

tristaleejac, advised you on another thread and sorry you are having more sh**.
You do NOT have to allow him contact and shouldn't even think about it until baby born in any event. Who knows, he may have changed by then, and then you can consider matters further.
If you do not put him on the birth certificate as Ewe says he will not have parental responsibility for your baby. he could however apply to the Court for a Parental responsibility order, but if he is still into drugs etc, it is unlikely he'd get it. He could apply for a Contact Order too but again, unlikely from what you've said.
You cannot retrospectively put his name on the birth certificate so give this some careful consideration as the only other alternative will be father unknown/unnamed. Until about 5 years ago (24th Dec 4 or 5 years ago, mental block) a father did not automatically have PR unless married to the mother, however now, if name on birth certificate, he has it automatically.
Once baby born, if you are not happy with unsupervised contact then that is your decision. You could either agree to supervised contact (by a friend or relative) or alternatively, at a contact centre. However, all very long way off so don't let it stress you out and ignore him and his threats.

Thankyou for your replies, I know it's early but I wanted to get as much advice as possible before the baby comes as I'll obviously have no time then! It's a big decision not to put him on birth cert but I feel it's what I'll have to do to keep my baby safe. If it means he has to take me to court then maybe if it's someone official telling him to quit drugs, he'll finally see it is a problem because right now he doesn't believe it is.
Like I said I'd never stop him seeing the baby, just as long as I know it's a safe environment.

Would he smoke it in the day time whilst looking after the baby? If so I wouldn't let him have the baby at all and I don't the courts would give him access. If he only smokes it in the evening when the baby is in bed that's different but I would never tolerate smoking it in the daytime.

I doubt he would smoke it while baby was there, during the day, but he's turned up at mine early afternoon on numerous occasions and he's got bloodshot eyes from smoking it all morning. I wouldn't be able to guarantee he hadn't had a smoke before coming over, in which case, he'd be driving under influence, etc.

He won't have a leg to stand on re enforcing contact if he doesn't stop the dopesmoking. You could insist on regular drugs tests before allowing contact, if you wanted to.

(This is not to say that anyone who smokes a spliff should have their kids taken away, but it's a useful weapon in the case of an unreasonable man who is trying to bully the OP.)

that he would drive under the influence.

He completely believes it doesn't affect him like it affects other people. He also believes it doesn't affect his ability to drive.
I have seen differently, unfortunately.

Hi just wanted to say that I am currently going through a court case-my ex has smoked dope for all of his adult life, has been violent & I witnessed him delusional (cannabis psychosis). He has cheated on drug tests in the past. The courts sadly seem to take the view that a bad father is better than no father. I have been forced into a contact centre despite the above. Unfortunately once you are in a contact centre you can be pushed into unsupervised contact EVENTUALLY.The system is crap & less about what's best for the child, more about father's rights. My ex has been in psychiatric care but hey thet doesn't count cos it was quite a few years ago. I thought the system protected children but sadly it doesn't in alot of cases. Be very careful about what you offer him & get yourself a reputable experienced family solicitor. NEVER let him drive with baby

they are going to let him have unsupervised access? and he's still on the drugs?

Don't whatever you do put his name on the birth cert. You hand over all rights when you do that.

He can still be a good father, and if he really wants to be, he will be. Sadly, putting his name on the BC won't make him a good father, but it will make you powerless to protect your child if he is under the influence of drugs and refusing to acknowledge the dangers.

If contact goes well in a contact centre & he successfully cheats a drugs test (not that difficult), turns up looking straight etc, why wouldn't it be moved to unsupervised? Like I said the system is CRAP, he can make you out to be obstructive when all you're trying to do is protect your child.
Like others have suggested don't put his name on birth certificate & give him your surname (obviously!)

Thanks so much for your advice
alice30 - so sorry to hear what you are going through. Hearing what he is putting you through makes me more adamant I have to protect my baby. I will not be putting X's name on BC, as it sounds like it'll lead to heartache. I will not stop him from seeing baby though.

mumoverseas you sound really knowledgable. I hope you dont mind me prying but is that from personal or mayb work exp?I have a contact issue mysel and im having difficulty finding someone to help!

Thinks she's a lawyer!

She mentioned something on antoher thread about receiving updates in the post on family law issues.

She posted something about a court ruling that was overturned on appeal because the mother was not emigrating with her children but merely returning to the country of her birth. That information was of particular interest to me.

SimpleAsABC, its from both personal and work experience. I was divorced some years ago and therefore have a bit of practical experience of Contact and Residence and also applications to remove the children from the jurisdiction (england and wales) as I moved abroad with them 3 years ago with my new husband.
I am also a family lawyer although I'm currently not practicing as sadly not much call for divorce lawyers in Saudi Arabia. The men here either get another wife as they can have up to 7 (although my husband does question why a man would want more than one wife!) or alternatively, they can say 'I divorce thee' three times. I'm a bit redundant therefore! I do however complete all the updates I need to keep up to date with the new cases and legislations and have kept my practicing certificate so when I return to the real world (hopefully very soon!) I can return to work.
Hope I can help you SimpleasABC. Whats the problem?

I have cousins in care, I have no idea what the system / formalities are in terms of whether or not they will be returned to their parents (I hope not) or when I could be considered as a kinship carer.

Can you help?

I know I'm pushing my luck but i'd be happy to email the nitty gritty to you if that'd help too.

Finally, we're in Scotland, does that make a difference to the system?

scotland may be a problem as in quite a lot of areas of law, it differs between england and wales (one jurisdication) and scotland. It would be pointless me giving you advice which may well be completely different in Scotland. Presumably you have social services (or similar) up there and if you are an interested party (ie thinking of applying for residence of them or perhaps contact)then hopefully they should be able to advise you of their proceedures and perhaps indicate to you the liklihood of you being considered. I would imagine tha a lot would depend on the children, ie their ages and whether they know you and have spent time with you regularly etc. Why don't you approach the local authority where they are in care and speak to them. At the end of the day, if they are being considered for fostering then surely a family member would be better? Good luck

I'm having limited luck with social services as I think the volatile behaviour of their mother, has burnt a lot of bridges.

Thanks for your help though.

but surely the volatile behaviour of their mother should not affect their dealings with you? If I understood you correctly, you seemed to want to take them on (surely preferable than them remaining in care) and surely you would have thought that they would treat you as an individual and therefore separate to their mother? sorry I can't help but I worked in the private law area as opposed to public law. why not try and get a free one hour consultation with a family lawyer in your area who specialises in public law? good luck