How can I escape from nightmare marriage?

[HoneyBadger]

I want to leave my DH because he is controlling and has been verbally aggressive towards me and our teenage DS but not violent (well only once). He will resist my attempts to leave and be as uncooperative as possible, to put it mildly.

It has taken me a year to get the strength to get to this point mentally. I have consulted a solicitor and she has advised me not to leave the marital home. We own it jointly, have had it on the market for 9 months but of course it is not selling and there seems little hope at the moment.

Also I work full-time, my DH who does not work collects our primary age DD from school and looks after her in school holidays for two thirds of the time and my parents for the other third. I have fairly generous holidays and working hours but couldn't hope to take this over and keep my job.

The solicitor says if I leave I run the risk of him prevaricating on selling the house for years and later on losing custody of our DD as he would be classed as the main carer. I would also have to pay the mortgage on our house and also rent for a second house for myself which I would really struggle to do and might even have to get an evening job to afford it.

DH claims a pension and incapacity benefits but wouldn't be able to afford even half of our mortgage on his own.

The solicitor advises waiting until the house is sold (could be years) and then as soon as contracts are exchanged saying I am leaving and going into rented accommodation on my own.

I can't see a way out of this and I'm at my wits end. Other than to go against the lawyers advice, move out, try and persuade him to share custody of DD and scrimp and save to afford rent and mortgage.

Has anyone got any advice? I can't always answer very quickly as I cannot use home computer as I can't risk DH seeing these postings.

Thank you so much

no advice. you r lawyer seems to have covered all the bases.
lots of hugs though

get a job abroad?

Oh God, how awful! Have you spoken to your parents? Could they take on more responsibility for your dd re school pick-ups and holidays, so he's not seen as the main carer? Also, if he's unable to work, would he be fit to have custody? Don't know the reasons for not working so I apologise if I've offended you.

Hardly ideal, but what about moving in with your parents or someone else until the house is sold?

I know I'm completely in shock about this. I feel as though I have to sacrifice one of my children, teenage son to a miserable existence if we stay or DD if he gets custody of her if I go. Never mind the financial stuff which is also annoying.

DH has clinical depression and has done for the last 10 years. He has been a SAHD for last 9 years so I think it would be difficult to say he's not fit to care for her now.

However, he's due to appear in court for a road rage incident so if convicted this may help to paint a picture of an angry and unpredictable personality.

I can stay with parents for a while but they are in their 70's so will struggle to cope for long and I am guessing the house will not sell for ages with this recession business!

They might be able to help more with pick-ups though!

i would try to encourage him to dosome voluntary work or somethng where you can share the childcare - albeit that he might do a bit more - you can seriously say that you share the childcare.

also - if he is capable of work - maybe its worth youeither - trying to persuade him to do some kid of work - look for things that might suit him or encourage him to go ona training course to up his skills

or

shop him to the benefits people

i would do just about anything to make the situation look like i was the best parent and the only choice for the courts to decide on.

you have the upper hand here - you can plan long term, ok so short term this is really shit - but he diesn't know whats coming, and that gives you an advantage.

could you agree to sell the house very cheap?

The only way forwardI can see is to just sell the house at whatever cost to your equity - you can quite legitimately tell your DH that the current market is such there's no option. And yes, you'll walk away with less in the bank but at least you'll be able to walk away.

I think when it comes to custody the courts will look at your DD's best interests, which will be contact with both parents - shared custody, for example. Will be tough for you if you're not with her for half the week or whatever, but it is manageable (I did this with my older DCs when their father and I split). I can't see a court giving one parent full custody in these circumstances - he has in his favour being the main carer, you have in your favour the fact you're the wage-earner and he's in court for road rage.

Thank you all so much for your suggestions. HellMouthCusty if he is convicted then he may be made to do community service so that could be a way in there.

Littleducks we finally have a viewer coming to see the house next week so I will influence as much as poss to reduce the price, if they are at all interested.

And Hassled I would be more than happy with shared custody as I believe it is good for children to have contact with both parents. My lawyer said worst case scenario is I could end up with visitation rights and it would just break my heart. So I will do my best to paint the most positive picture when the time comes.

I am feeling a lot more positive now although if I leave I will have a huge financial burden on top of all the stress and worry but I don't think there is any other way around it.