I have a mental block when it comes to money matters and we keep getting into a mess, I need help.

[CatMandu]

Talking about our finances, thinking about it etc gets me into a real state - there have been times in the past where I've literally been hyperventilating. I've got better, but tbh that's only because we have more money coming in.

I don't do what should be done ie. I don't work out a budget, I don't keep an eye on our bank account(s), I don't work out how much is coming in (I'm self employed, etc etc

I also don't open bank statements etc.

What's odd is that I am the organised one between dh and I, he isn't but because I can't face it he has to handle it. He does his best, but he's madly busy with work and generally a bit slapdash.

This means that we have in the past got ourselves into some very difficult times financially. Now there is no need for things to be as tough - we're not loaded, but we have enough to get by happily. I still don't deal with the money and so I think a lot gets frittered away only to find that we've run out by the end of the month. We don't have savings etc.

I know what needs to be done on a practical level ie, budgeting, etc. What I can't seem to do is get over this fear I have that is such a problem. I don't think there are other people who are like this, so I don't think there are places or people to go to for help. I'd really apreciate some advice.

do you know why you're so afraid? Is it because you have a huge fear of running out of money?

How about a spend diary/notebook - write down income at top and a list of direct debits/standing order that are unchanging.

Then what you have left you write on the next sheet and just write in every day what you spend. This way you stay away from bank statements until the end of the month.

A very pretty notebook cushions the blow too I used to do this with money and I'm starting today with doing it with food as I'm not eating enough fruit and veg.

Also consider counselling for the underlying fear, which may be displaced and really be about something else.

This works for us, but I am aware that it can be quite a contentious issue:

• Have a joint account with direct debits for all your bills and a credit card for all the supermarket and other family/household expenses.
• Fund this account with a certain amount during the month from your own bank accounts - keeping your own finances separate.
• Have another account and even if it is a £10 a month, put it into an account and forget about it ... force yourself to save ...

I don't know what the fear is about really. DH says that if he forces me to look at finances with him I always feel better after, which is true so the longer I go without really knowing where we stand the worse I feel. Then we get to a point, like now where I should just sit down and sort it all out, but I make every excuse not to do it and so it goes on.

Nagapie - we do that already.

It sounds like you do need to address the fear you're feeling about finances - can you think of any reason why they might get you into such a tizzy? Is it a fear of running out of money, or a fear of not being able to deal with the finances?

The way I deal with the fear is by keeping really rigidly on top of our finances - I have a spreadsheet where I record everthing that goes in and out and where I can put in all our direct debits, and it shows me how much there is left (or not!) at the end of the month. It helps me feel confident that we're not going to be sent to debtors prison any time soon.

Do you think that sort of approach would help? It sounds like you're closing your eyes and running away from the problem, whereas maybe you need to face it head on, iyswim.

don't know if this helps at all

I agree with Laurie that if you do have enough money that there is obviously an emotional side to all this - it's good that you feel better after sorting it though.

Have you ever checked out the money saving expert website? There is a lot of advice there about budgetting and getting your finances in order. Perhaps once you've had a grand sort-out you won't be too scared to look on a regular basis. I hope so.

My best tip is to have the savings coming out of your account as soon as the money goes in. So you never see it, and you never miss it. I'm a SAHM and DH works, so I have set up a standing order into our internet savings account for the day that his salary goes in. If you wait to see how much you have at the end of the month, it does tend to get frittered away.

i used to be like this n got in a right mess as a student.

now i have katy and hardly any money ihave basically set up all my DD's to go out day after my money goes in and then I do a big food shop. I was also scared to approach finances because mine were so shit but i make yself check my account online every dayso I know where i am, whats gone out, in etc etc...doing it daily means its easier cos theres no big shocks.

are u scared because of big debts?? this is speartae issue and i sorted all mine out before katy was born - huge relie that was! cab helped me and they were great - i took allstatements and they went thru the lot while i cried like a loon and then elt tons better

hugs
susie

When I first started work I used to write down every penny that came in and went out and I found it worked really well for me. I am strangely enough a bit of a control freak, but have lost it with finances somehow. If I was in control of it, it would be much better I just need to 'lose the fear' . I was wondering about CBT. I know it sounds extreme, but this has been going on since I stopped work to have dd and she's 9 now.