divorce and custody dispute- does he have a hope of forcing me to stay in London????

[limecrush]

have just decided for (hopefully)last time that the marriage isn't working. I work part time in the NOrth Midlands but live in London with h, who is a lawyer here and will never leave (which is part of the problem). We have a full time nanny, as I was until recently working f/t myself and she didn't want to go down to 4 days so I spend some of my time off kind of hanging around with her and the kids in a slightly awkward fashion....

Anyway. His reaction to my wanting to divorce him and take the kids with me to live nearer my work (he would always be welcome and I would bend over backwards to bring them to London in holiday time so that the balance would be as near 50:50 as poss) is to say that that's not good enough, that I am not the primary carer, and that he has decreed that it is best for the children (age 5 and 1) to remain in London and for ds1 to stay at his current school etc. For full 50:50 custody we have to live in the same area or it will not work. Am furious at being told I am not the primary carer when I clearly am, just because he does more than most men with his kind of job. The one time I told him I couldn't cover for him when the nanny was ill, I got a massive mouthful, and suddenly he is the primary carer???

I hate London and always have. He knows that but his plan would keep me here forever. I'm an academic and my job was hard to get, I find it hard to contemplate leaving it for his convenience. I have had to cut down to 0.3 already in order to be with the kids often enough as I am too scared now to move up there with them in case he gets injunctions out on me or something. His job is a 12/13 hour a day thing, more if he's doing a trial. His argument for being the primary carer is that he has been 'covering' for me while I have been away this year (with a nanny working until 7pm, usually, and occaionally later) and that he works at home 'more often' now, etc etc. Also that he has had to do childcare alone while I have been depressed recently (about the marriage!!!)

I have been informally told by a solicitor friend that he doesn't have much of a hope of establishing residence rights, but I am scared of exposing my kids to litigation and CAFCASS etc. Tell me those who have experience, should I be this scared of him?

I'm glad to hear you say that cos with the stuff he says to me- that I am useless and can't cope cos of the depression adn because in the past I have asked him for help with the kids etc- I start to doubt myself.

Can't remember what I said last time, obviously not coming from a happy place then either

Everyone thinks I am a total b*tch and he's the world's greatest dad and Provider. Including my parents. But I just don't share his aspirations or desired lifestyle, I want my kids to grow up in a better place than London (sorry London fans, just my opinion). I hate the long hours, long commute, stress, and I don't think it helps my mental state at all being here with him.

He is totally trying to scare me with the law. Yesterday tried to get me to agree to sign an agreement (which of course HE was going to draft!!!) as to what we would do with the kids this year, where I would be living, etc etc. I just couldn't believe it. It's like being in a bad film. He just wants to call the shots full stop.

He says that now we are splitting he has no obligation to 'help' me anymore (e.g. by 'allowing' me to live near my work with my kids).

find yourself a good solicitor & let them deal with him

He's trying to use his knowledge of the law to give himself a position of power, but that will be removed if you get someone to fight back for you (and assuming he doesn't work in family law himself, then he will become the "underdog")

It will cost to use solicitors to sort it out, but better that than the cost on your mental health.

{hugs}