Ex reckons she needs more money now that SDCs have left home. What do you make of this?

[endoftheroad]

I've namechanged in case of being recognised, though I suspect she's not a mumsnetter. DH has large CSA arrears which have been disputed for years as basically neither his ex nor the CSA made any effort to contact him for payment. He and ex had an ad hoc private arrangement during this time. Her relationship with DH has become somewhat acrimonious over the years.

Anyhow, both DCs are now grown up. CSA has handed arrears debt over to the ex, who had previously indicated she wouldn't pursue it once children had left home. Now she's decided she wants the lot and is asking for more money per month than she received through the CSA for the last 3 years. I'm interested in what other people make of this? It doesn't seem right to me, especially since she could have had (some) of the money at the time if she'd bothered to pursue it - she knew where DH was.

I think he should pay his debts. Why did he not make the payments voluntarily? As for his ex asking for more than she is entitled to, that seems unfair too but the whole thing a bit questionable.

The debts are notional only - a finger in the wind figure made up by the CSA and backdated to the last time they could be bothered to make contact. DH did make payments to ex, and has been also been doing so through the CSA more recently. The CSA's figures in the past have been ridiculous and as DH was on the old system they could never keep up with changing circumstances - we got into very severe financial difficulties trying to meet their demands.

DH's ex knows all this and we have a feeling she's trying to divert attention from the fact she's all but thrown out her youngest DD who is now pregnant . DH wants to help out his DCs but instead he's being pretty much blackmailed into paying his ex. She claims she needs the money to pay her mortgage and keep her other children. She threatens to go back to the CSA if DH doesn't do what she says. We have nothing left after paying her demands, and we have a young child to support.

And to be quite frank it was never her money to start with. It was for her DCs. To openly admit that she wants the money for herself is a right cheek IMO.

Hi endoftheroad,

This is really good website for advice on CSA. It might take a while to get an answer, but the people on there have been dealing with CSA for years. Its worth checking out and finding out where you stand and if you are even liable for the debt, never trust a word CSA say. This website really helped me and my dp, without it we would have lost evrything

Well doesn't someone have to care for them? Which involves putting a roof over their heads, which involves paying a mortgage (mostly). How many children does your DH have? How many children is your DH's ex looking after and are they all his?

Have you contacted the CSA yourself?

My advice is find out all your rights and fight for everything. Everytime you speak to CSA you will be told a different story. I'm not even sure that CSA can chase debt which has built up prior to the year 2000.

Good luck!

Isn't the maximum 25% of net pay? Or am I wrong.

2 more and neither are his - she got married after they split. And that's the argument that gets people's backs up by the way - even the CSA has recognised this and finally started wording letters to refer to children instead of the ex. She left DH and she has a responsibility to look after herself - DH has a responsibility only to his DCs. His ex has manifestly failed in her own responsibility to them and continues to do so.

Wow stilllovefoxes - thanks for the link. I haven't seen that site. We've been thinking of approaching NACSA.

One thing... if she knew where he was, didn't he know where she and his children were? it woiuld presumably have been just as easy or him to contact her and pay her what he owed towards the up-keep of his children.

i think he should pay what is owed and only that. it isnt his responsibility to pay for any other children she may have had. if his kids dont live there now then he doesnt have to pay for them anymore IMO
if the CSA have said he "owes" the money to her and he has nothing to prove he was already paying his ex anythin then it is his debt to pay and should pay it but otherwise tell her to sod off!! im assuming your DH hasnt got CASH POINT on his forehead and shouldnt be treated like one either!!
xx ei xx

Depends weather OP's dp is on CS1 or CS2, It sounds like its the old system, so the figure could be anything.

Quattrocento - I understand where there are arrears the maximum is 40%. DH is the main carer for our DC (not out of choice) and has a low paid p/t job. 40% means he makes a loss by working as they don't take into account our childcare costs - it's madness. His ex is demanding even more than that. But if she went back to the CSA they'd go straight for a liability order because the debt can't be paid in 2 years (as if!) and we don't want to get into all that crap. She has him over a barrel.

NACSA are really good and have helped a lot of people on that site. We didn't join but there is a user on that site called 'NACSA CHAIR' who works for them. Her advice was invaluable in helping us win our tribunal.
A couple of others on that site actually work for CSA, like 'kelloggs' but she does give good advice on CSA rules and procedures (if they have any!)

Yes beaniesteve he did know, and he kept contact when he was allowed to, which wasn't very often. He paid her what she asked for at the time.

OH I see what quattrocento meant now, I thought he meant how they calculated the debt, not how much they take from your wages. That will teach me to skim read!

I wouldn't bother getting involved in the arguments endoftheroad.
No one knows how destructive the CSA are until they have got their claws into you. My dp paid regularly and had regular contact, we've still had a year of hell and been to a tribunal. CSA are unfair and completely unjust. Its disgusting what they can get away with.

I think the thing I'm struggling with is that she suddenly wants/needs more money than she accepted before, even though her costs for the DCs have gone down to pretty much zero. Call me suspicious but I think the loss of tax credits probably has something to do with it.

You're right stillovefoxes - been there, done that and got the battle scars to prove it . Strangely I'm much calmer now because at least I know the CSA can't extort any more money out of us. I just think to let an arrangement stand for nigh on 6 years and then change your mind and demand 6 years worth of "arrears" is pretty off. But I'd expect nothing less from her TBH.

And, my last point before going to bed, nobody is going to voluntarily bankrupt their own family by meeting unrealistic demands if they have another choice of making affordable payments. Unfortunately we were just fools for trusting the woman.

It must be nice to know that the children are past the 'csa' years, we've still got three years left. And at any time she can phone up and tell them another bunch of lies, without any proof, which they will believe and then its up to us to prove shes lying. It makes my blood boil!

I hope it all goes well endoftheroad, let me know how you are getting on.

night