Getting more involved in family finances

[AngelDog]

I've been married 20+ years. I'm a SAHM and DH does a reasonably well-paid job. No debts and our mortgage is paid off.

I've always delegated all the finances to him. He sorts out all bills. We have a joint account and a debit card each but I've never had reason to look at our account or statements. I don't even know what his salary is, though it varies a lot (contract work). The only non-shared money we have is from personal gifts eg Christmas. For practical reasons he does almost all the household shopping.

We've always lived frugally and within our income so we've not had to discuss financial priorities much. We have a (fairly small) list of things we routinely spend money on and if one of us wants to spend money on anything outside of that list, we ask the other person first. I'm more inclined to spend than DH is but there's not a wild discrepancy. Neither of us really spends household money on things for ourselves as individuals - we use birthday/Christmas money for that.

I'd like to be more involved / informed on financial stuff. I don't really want to take on responsibility for paying any bills though as organisation isn't my strong point. I don't have any concerns about unfair treatment or DH mismanaging our money.

Where would you start?

Why does he do all the shopping if you don’t have a job?
Start with downloading the app for your bank so you can keep an eye on the finances. If he’s getting his salary paid into an account that doesn’t have your name on, ask him to show it to you. I’d bet a lot of money on him being reluctant to do so!

You need to find out what is going on, OP. Suppose he suddenly had an accident and ended up in hospital unable to manage your family money? Get the banking app for your joint account and check the statements every month.

Why, in this day and age do women continue to put themselves in this position?

How long have you not worked for?
Do you have any pension provision for yourself?
Have you been claiming child benefit in your name to at least get your NI credits paid?
Get logged into the bank account and look at it. You should see all the income and outgoings.
Household really take on some of the responsibility of payong bills, doing direct debits, standing orders etc. What would you do if he suddenly became incapacitated and you had no clue how to do these things?
Why does he do the household shopping if you dont work?

How do you know he has a well paid job if you don't know what his salary is?

I would start by having a conversation with your DH. Get him to show you how he currently manages the finances. Does he have a budget? Is there a spreadsheet? Start by understanding how much money comes into the household (his wage, child benefit, any other benifits etc)

Then catagorise the spending
What are your essential fixed costs you have going out every month (council tax, water, electricity, insurance etc). Are they direct debits or does he pay bills manually?
What is your average food cost each month
What do you spend on travel costs eg car, petrol, insurance or bus costs
Then what is your non essential monthly costs (eg Netflix, gym)
Then what else are you spending on. All those tiny bits and bobs add up

Then look at what you're saving. If you're not saving, can you reduce any of the above costs? Do you both have pensions? Even though you're not working, you/he can still pay £2880 into a SIPP each year for you and receive tax relief on it.
Do you have an emergency fund?
Does he have life insurance? He needs it to protect you and your kids

If you have spare time and he doesn't, it would be good for you to become the financial expert, so that you can find the best deals on utilities, insurance, etc and educate yourself on how to save/invest money etc

Thanks, those are really helpful comments.

He does the shopping only because we've got a disabled child who can't currently cope away from me and can't cope with shops either.

Apart from the odd day poll clerking at elections, I've not worked for 15 years. Our children get DLA and I get carers' allowance which I think covers NI contributions. We do pay into a pension for me. I'm not likely to be able to join the workforce any time soon due to caring responsibilities.

This sounds nuts, but I hadn't really thought about the perspective of "what happens if something happens and he can't organise the finances any more" - good point.

Thanks for mentioning life insurance. That's something I need to find out about. He had very generous life insurance (plus death in service grant policy) from his old job, which would have enabled us to live for at least a year without me working if he died, but he left that employer a few months ago, so we might need to adjust whatever other insurance we have in place.

You're being very sensible in wanting to know more about the finances. It isn't wrong for people in a family to specialise. That's often the most efficient way to do things. But if there's any area where one person has NO knowledge at all, they'll be completely up the creek if their partner dies or is incapacitated.

So yes, ask your husband to spend an evening sitting down with you to show you what money is where and why he made those decisions, what debts you have, how much is owed on the mortgage, what life insurance there is and with which company, and so on. Get him to make a list.

Then also think about other things which could be a huge mystery if one of you were to die. For example, does he know about the kids' specialist appointments, when their DLA is due for renewal and (roughly) what the steps are in the process of doing that? You can write the most important things out for him but also, try to get in the habit of explaining the basics as you go along: here's where I keep the paperwork from the last DLA application, this is a charity which can help, DWP can be ridiculously unreasonable in refusing applications and it's always worth appealing. And so on;

@AngelDog "We have a joint account and a debit card each but I've never had reason to look at our account or statements"

you should look at the account and the statement and get familiar with the amounts going in and out. Also find out how they are being paid.

you say you are not very organised so you don't pay the bills

I think you should set yourself up to pay a bill. Preferably direct debit. Do you know how that works? That's definitely something you should learn.

maybe start with these things and then you can learn how to handle other things. I wouldn't start off by downloading apps and things. No need for that kind of hassle. But you need to get familiar with what your finances actually are and how it works.