Setting up a joint bills account when one partner overspends

[the7Vabo]

Recently hit a crisis point with DH when it comes to money.

Im the higher earner, but not hugely significantly, difference is a few hundred net a month. I’m also the lower spender quite significantly.

I didn’t realise quite how much the spending disparity was, until we both wrote out how much we spent in the last month. My splurge is lunch out out work. His is lunch out, take away, golf membership & the pub. Which all add up.

I also do all the admin when it comes to finances. I arrange the mortgage, childcare, electric bill, kids hobbies etc etc. Up until now DH has been transferring me X amount per month.

I want to sent up a joint bills account so that DH has actual sight of mortgage payments etc.

He has asked me to take more money from him as if he doesn’t have it he can’t spend it. This is too passive for me. I’m tired of being the one who looks after almost every bill. I feel DH is like a young adult living at home where he pays a certain amount & then never thinks of it again.

I wrote out all that I spend down to the detail of literally everytime there is a kids party I buy the present as an education piece.

Any advice on how to manage a joint account re what people generally pay out of it?

I can see how it comes across like that.

I do feel that he has taken the p when it comes to quite a few things. I’m also not someone who loves admin etc (I do know people who do). Nor am I good at it.

He spends too much time online listening to nonsense & often when I tried to bring up money with him he’d say “money is worthless”. I assume he means the disparity between salary increases & inflation.

Im more annoyed at myself than him for
letting so many years pass. I did try once. I left out mortgage details on his desk & told him I wanted him to look at rates for switching. The letter never moved.

My parents were a well oiled wheel when it came to money. They were both good with money & they both put the work in in terms of planning etc.

We are committed now & we have two kids so I’ll make the best of it. If I had a do-over I’m not sure I would marry someone who never plans for anything.

How old are you?
You’re a long time dead, and you only get one go at life.
You’re telling daughters this is all they can hope for, and sons that this is good enough. It’s not. And you’re worth more.

It sounds as though DH has no idea what your household spending is, but equally you have no idea how much he earns and have been paying more than your fair share. So you've both been passive.

I agree a bills amount for household/child related spending is a good idea, and then you both have your own disposable income for personal spending. Also you need to be very clear about what comes out of the bills account and what doesn't.

DH and I sit down once a year and together write down the budget for the year. Many bills are the same every month. Things like food you can work out an average. Annual bills are called out and split to a monthly value. More variable costs e.g. children's clothes we again work out an average monthly cost based on last year and any likely future changes factored in. It's not perfect but it gives us an idea of what our monthly bills spending is. We don't then keep track of everything, and find, with a small buffer, it works ok till the next year when we reassess again. We only really change the amount paid into the bills account mid year if there is a substantial change in circumstances.

Result - this is a once a year exercise but it means we both have understanding of our finances.

Financial things arising across the year e.g. car insurance needs renewing, we split the jobs between ourselves so we known responsibilities. So DH will sort the car insurance and I'll sort travel insurance (for example).

All our money goes into one account regardless of earnings/circumstances.
We then have a monthly direct debit to our own individual accounts, for the same amount each. That's ours to spend as we wish. The balance is for bills, savings, anything joint we do together.

We can both see what's in the joint account, coming in and going out.

Yes agree I have been passive too. I’m frustrated at myself mainly because of what we could have saved.

Thanks, those are good tips.

Pooling all funds is fine if both are happy. I wouldn’t be happy to do that.