Is our split of bills and Universal Credit fair?

[Ilovecake01]

Me and dp both work, he earns just over double what I do because I work part time around the dc 7&4 (i feel these bits are very relevant). We also get UC as neither of us are high earners. I also have 2 teenage dc from previous relationship.
He pays the rent and his car expenses and phone bill, and I pay for literally everything else.
Finances have always been kept separate, the UC goes into my bank account and I spend it together with my wages on bills, food and any other household expenses/anything the kids need...basically anything that needs paying.
DP feels I have been very unfair to him over the years because he's 'never seen a penny of the UC'...but I use it on household expenses, kids needs ect, it's extremely rare that ill treat myself to anything nice (if I regularly did this I could absolutely see his point!)
Have I been unfair? I was thinking this was a fairly normal set up but he doesn't...what does anyone else do?

I think he's won a watch with this set up!

Does he earn more than double than your wages, or more than double your income with UC included? Are you about to get loads more UC now that the 2 child cap has been lifted?

More than double my wages without uc, but even with uc he still earns more. Yes, it is about to increase, but this argument has been ongoing for years and tbh it's making me really anxious for the increase

What does he want to do with the UC if not pay wills with it? Maybe the extra money can be shared a bit more?

He is taking the piss, sorry.

You need to do the sums. Then you'll know

Before we shared a dc we split the bill 50:50
and he had his wages, I had the UC, student load /wages and paid for the food shop, my car and my kids.
Once we were expecting a shared DC and bought a house together we pooled everything regardless of where it came from and who’s earning what.
I earn double DP’s wages, we are about to get a bit of UC again, we have child benefit and child maintenance as income too. Add it all up together, minus the bills, savings, budget for house, cars, kids, food shop and split what’s left as personal spending. He works 3 days and does more childcare, this is no less a contribution than the money I earn. Anything other arrangement and I think it demonstrates you’re not a proper family or team.

I have tried to do the sums, I find myself getting really tied up in knots with it because no 2 months are the same, and he tries to tell me what is and isn't allowed to be included (eg, he says that Christmas and birthday presents shouldn't be included because he could buy those. But he doesn't, that's the whole point, I buy them as part of my contribution to the household so that he doesn't have to).

Don’t let him ‘tell you’, do the sums based on facts and then show him

How much is the rent vs bills?

Maybe you need a joint account & put in UC to that account & then work out what needs to be put in extra to cover bills. Then do a proportional amount each per month. That would be clearer to him & you would have a presumably similar amount left each.

So for example rent & bills comes to £2000 & UC is £650 - you then put in the remaining £1350 between you.

The issue might be that he feels he is subbing the older children. Do you get maintenance for them? This would increase your income on top of child benefit & UC.

I’m presuming his salary isn’t huge if you get UC so he might just genuinely feel like he’s not got much ‘spends’ - like lots of us!

He's laughing...he has lovely fixed costs (except maybe annual increase) whilst yours are widely variable ...I know what I'd prefer

It sounds fair as it is but you really need to do calculations with all the numbers to find this out.

When I have lived with someone, we split the bills etc based on what the percentage we brought into the household was. So, if his income was 70% of incomings, he paid 70% of outgoings... if that makes sense.

The best way is write down all costs one by one and calculate how much per year you spend on them. Then divide each figure by 12 and add them all up. This will give y your monthly expenses. So Christmas cost £1200, you write £100 on your monthly budget.

I would totally appreciate this and understand it if this was the case, but he has enough to smoke, drink 20+ cans of beer per week, and buy lunch at work every day. If I lived like this, i would, quite literally, end up having to go bankrupt. Meanwhile I'm struggling to make ends meet each month.

This is what i have tried to explain to him but he still feels like I've taken him for a mug basically. My costs vary wildly each month, he knows where he is with his

How much does he have left after bills and how much do you have? Tears the only factor that matters.

He does see some of the UC through, assuming he has food on the table, and clothes washed with washing powder? And so the list goes on....

Having separate finances to this extent isnt working. Why would you be tying yourself in knots trying to work out what you spend? Is it all cash spends? Just go through your bank statements and add them up. All the bills you pay. What is the total. Then what is the rent? Compare the two. Then what do you spend on average on food and other household expenses. It should be clearly on your bank statements.

You'd be better iff having all bills and rent go out of a separate bills account that you both pay into. But cannot take out of. Then daily spends like food, cloths entertainment you share

How do you costs vary so wildly?

He is taking advantage, and going off what you say here, you already know that.

Moaning about not having enough money but buying 20 cans of beer a week? Does that not turn you off massively?

It all seems a little disjointed tbh. You should be receiving housing element on UC but he pays the rent? Who does the child benefit get paid to? For 4 children that will be £323 every 4 weeks. Your UC will increase by over £600 soon too.

If you aren't both willing to combine all finances with everything going into one account then split or saved equally once all the bills are paid then you will probably have to do something along the lines of what other people have suggested and figure out percentages etc. Personally, I would find that over complicated and a bit of a faff but it comes down to whatever works for you both.