Is this a crazy idea?

[Wiresring]

I'm middleaged, early retired with two young adult DC. Financially I am well set up and have always said I'll never remarry in order to protect assets for DC.

I have a house that is too big for me to maintain easily, but which currently I share with DS2. He does "help", quite a lot actually, but it's the responsibility of it that gets to me.

I also have a DP. He's solvent, comfortable, and working, but after a couple of false starts in life not in the same place as me. He's renting and likely to work until state retirement age. We spend a lot of time together, but I like that he's busy during rhe day, and sometimes, I travel alone, which I also enjoy.

I could sell my house, split the proceeds three ways, a third each to my DC to help them on the property ladder, and a third as my half of a new shared property with DP. He'd have to take a mortgage for most of his half, but his income would support that.

My DC would have had their inheritance, albeit less than they might otherwise get, but they'd have the benefit of it early. I think I'd set things up so DP keeps the new house if I die first. Cash and other assets to DC.

But what happens re inheritance tax if I die within 7 years? DC and/or DP have to sell up to raise the cash?

How could the ownership/mortgage be set up to recognise that the debt is DP's half? I.e. if we split or one of us dies, his share is half the value less the outstanding debt, whilst at the same time having the whole pass to the other on death?

As DC would you think this was great news, or that your mother was giving too much of your family home to new boyfriend? As DS2, how would you feel about being "paid" to move out so your mum can live with the new boyfriend. If it makes a difference, their dad is deceased.

There's also the possibility of care fees, but I do have some significant cash savings too. I could help DC with deposits without selling the house, but if I am to move in with DP, I'd like it to be somewhere that we each have an equal financial and emotional stake in, plus I want somewhere much smaller.

I haven't mentioned any of this to DP, at this stage it's just idle musing.

Yes, interesting question. A fresh start I guess. The house really is getting me down and I've had enough of being responsible for everything on my own. Renting would probably suit me better TBH, except for the insecure tenure, but that would also ebay a poor financial decision.

DP doesn't do nothing, but realistically if I'm home more I'm going to do more, but no more than I'd have to do if I don't live with him . Does it matter if he gets a "good deal" if it doesn't impact me?

I think the unequal division of labour is more a problem when it's not through choice and expected also if falls on one person even if they are unable to do so.

My partner and I on good times split things broadly 50:50 but we both have our preferred jobs. At the moment I've got pnd and a 6 month old so my partner is doing the lions share of everything but he was ill the other week and comparatively I was in a better position than he was so I had to dig deep and find the energy. Once I'm feeling better and the baby is older it will be more equal again.

My mum retired in 2012 and my dad didn't retire until 2023 so she did the bulk of the housework but in 2022 she fell down the stairs and fractured her back so my dad took over everything (even the washing for the first time in their 35 year marriage!). Now he's retired and she is more mobile again it's split but my dad still does more.

Does he make you happy?
Would he be there for you on the bad and the good days?
Is he the person you want to call because you have had good/bad news?
Is there balance in the relationship even if you do more?

What is best on paper isn't always best for you. As long as you aren't destroying your financial situation and entering into a set up where you would be put upon and continuously being the one to do everything. Money doesn't buy happiness but it does provide us with options and they can make us happy or unhappy and I think you are at a great time in your life to be thinking about what it is that you want

Would getting a short let together be an option to test the waters of the new set up?
Sell your house, rent a house together for 6 months of a rough size you are looking to downsize into and see if it's the life you want. It would help you work out what size house you need. Look at what it would cost and what your partner could afford. Then pass on part of what is left from the house sale to your children?

"Does it matter if he gets a "good deal" if it doesn't impact me?

but it will impact the future for you and your children, everything you have secured, thus far, for yourself and your family.

The house really is getting me down and I've had enough of being responsible for everything on my own.

I really do understand @Wiresring, you are weary, you are looking for a shoulder, but... although currently you don't see many downsides, you are effectively handing, on a plate, to your partner your lifelong assets and your childrens' inheritance (though that's probably less important, possibly?) even though he cannot offer you this reciprocally

Extrapolating forward, how long do you think you may become resentful because your partner does not pull his weight physically/financially around your home.

Having to do it all, gets old very quickly, don't you think?

You’d be liable for the mortgage aswell.

Deprivation of assets from a care point of view would be a separate thing to consider.

She's 55 😂

My children will do very nicely. I'd be "handing him" a significant sum, true but it's only about 15% of my total assets. Plus, it is actually my money, not DC's inheritance, yet.

Yes doing it all does get old, but that's what I'm doing now, and he wouldn't be completely useless, he cooks and cleans and does the garden, but tbh I've never understood sahm who object to doing the lion's share of that, let alone women who dont have DC at home. How much housework is there in a small home shared by 2 adults, and why would you insist on DP doing his share, eating into leisure time you could have together?

Yes, I'd have to find a way not to be on the mortgage but to be on the deeds, which was possible years ago when I worked in property finance, via a Form of Consent, but I think that may have changed.

Avoiding it being considered deprivation of assets later is a reason to do it now.

My long term partner owns our house outright and pays most of bills and has left house to me in his will, he has also added in that when I pass the house goes to his adult son, I don’t have kids at all and am completely fine with this (I love his son like my own) so maybe you could set up something similar so they don’t lose out so much.

Does he make you happy?
Would he be there for you on the bad and the good days?
Is he the person you want to call because you have had good/bad news?
Is there balance in the relationship even if you do more?

Yes, he's has in the past dropped everything to make me a cup of tea during the day when working from (his) home and I was unwell. He was brilliant when my Dad was ill in hospital, visiting regularly, taking books from his own collect he thought Dad would enjoy. Small things but they add up and make a big difference.

I do more practical things and that's probably largely because I'm better at them, but he's the organiser. E.g. When we go on a trip, he will have planned and booked it, which is lovely because with DH I felt like we'd never go anywhere if I didn't organise it. He'll be the one who's shopped around to get a good deal, even on something I'm buying which doesn't really need any input from him.

This !

"it is actually my money" really did not mean to offend @Wiresring, apologies.

That's not possible. He might have made some trust arrnagement that you can stay there, but if he's "left" it to you, he can't also decree that you leave it to his DC. What happens next will be down to your will, which you can change at any time.

It might well be what you choose to do, but your DP can't write your will for you.

Could you offer him a private mortgage for his half? How much will he putting down as his share of deposit and obviously you will need to split the fees, stamp duty etc.

He has an iron clad will that states house will go to son after I’m gone as the only family I have left is a sister, I have also said I would change my will making sure it goes to son, he deserves it.

He doesn't. Not if he's leaving it to you. Once he's done that it's yours to leave as you see fit. Or to sell and go on a world cruise. Or to be forfeited for your care costs.

What he may have done is leave it to his son with a lifetime trust which enables you to stay there, but he definitely isn't leaving it to you. It's simply not possible to leave it to you with the proviso that it then passes to his DC.

If he's told you it is, I'd check your other financial arrnagements TBH.

Now that sounds like a very bad idea, which probably means a standard mortgage in his name isn't a good idea either.

This is a great idea!

I don't know why more people don't do it this way. Unless you're expecting to die or need care in the next 7 years, it makes perfect sense. Help your DC whilst they're young and need it. If you don't do it now the inheritance could be took up by care fees or they could be at a stage in life were they don't need it anyway.

I think the difference is that you could end up resenting him and his unequal contribution rather than resenting your house and your responsibilities as a single owner.

I think you'd be mad to do this. And I say that as a widowed parent who is currently overwhelmed with household management. It's a huge risk. Downsize alone and make a gift to your DC if you want but why on earth would you put yourself in a position of doing more heavy lifting for others when you're finally free of raising teens single handed?

BTW if you and your late DH owned a house together you have 'inherited' his 500k inheritance tax allowance, so you can pass a million to your kids tax free when you die.

How old are the DCs?
And how long have you been with DP?

Why can’t you downsize and buy your own property outright.

DP can move in and pay half the bills but have no rights to the home.

He can then get a mortgage on a property that he can rent out - the rent will pay for the mortgage but it also gives him security and somewhere to live if you die or separate.

Because I don't want to live somewhere we aren't both financially and emotionally invested in. I'd hate to be him in that situation and I don't really want to be the one "in charge" either.

Yes, and I'd have said the same with absolute certaintly 4 years ago, but I've done a good job with my DC, they'll do very nicely anyway.

Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life living half a life to hang onto more assets for them, as PP says, probably when they're too old to need it anyway?

Yes, I know. I haven't worked out what happens to that should I remarry, but no plans to do that, again mainly for financial reasons.

Surely your security, financial stability and DCs inheritance outweighs these things?