Are we doing right by our children?

[YourWildAnt]

My husband and I have two young DS ages 2 and 5. I am a qualified teacher but left after my second son and now have a much less stressful part time job which is mostly WFH.

I chose to do this so I can spend more with my children while they're young, do 90% school drop offs, attend all school events, be as close to a SAHM as financially possible. Spending time together is a huge priority for me as I've had several family members and friends suddenly die at young ages.

However, I am starting to feel anxious that, while I love the time we spend together and my children seem happy, they may become resentful once they start to notice that we aren't going on foreign holidays like their school friends, aren't eating out at restaurants often, aren't driving new cars, generally have a "simple" lifestyle.

Am I over thinking this or am I right to prioritise this time together while they're young over maximising my earning potential?

No argument - children - you miss so much, and they only grow up once - work to live.... there's so much more to life than money

Welcome to parenting- You’ll feel guilty whatever decisions you make ,
you just have to do what you think is best and go with it x

You missed the third option - You're a mum, so they're both wrong

Honestly I'd go with the time and flexibility.

This post nails it.

I’m a SAHM. I think/hope I’m doing right by my kids, but I still question myself. I still feel guilt sometimes. You can’t win. All you can do is what you feel is right

Nothing beats a parents love

At primary age your children won’t notice or care.

You could go back to FT working when they are in secondary, and likely to benefit from holidays.

I’ve got similar aged children and find it hard to imagine them keeping track of whether their friends are going to nice restaurants, or even abroad. They don’t, they wouldn’t have a clue.

We're in much the same position albeit for different reasons. My DC are 5 and 8 and while the older one has noticed that some of her friends go on foreign holidays a lot more, she has also observed that they have to get up much earlier for breakfast club, have to go to afterschool club in the afternoon, and frequently turn up late or not at all to late afternoon dance/swimming classes because grandparents have had to pick them up at the last minute and don't 'do' these. She has also noticed that some kids are constantly late to school, not properly dressed, haven't done their homework etc because it has fallen through a gap in amongst the chaos of working parents, or separated parents, or whatever.

They DON'T notice restaurants, cars, or the simplicity of their lifestyles.

It's part of a parent's job to explain that not all families have the same resources and that while our kids might envy something that someone else has: 1) someone else probably envies what they have and 2) tough shit. I tend to focus instead on what we can provide them: a safe, warm, loving home; a family that sits together for dinner and eats meals cooked from scratch pretty much every night; the opportunity to look through a cookbook now and again and pick a meal they've never tried before; and total commitment to the things we do sign up to.

This is exactly the reminder I needed. Thank you for this. 🧡

Ha! Ain't that the truth 😂

I totally agree. Thank you

Presumably this also applies to the children's father - he should also give up work.

We're a one income family by the way so no hate from me but it's silly to suggest that money is of no importance to a family.

No, I said there's more to life than money - we shared our load - one worked, one didn't, at different points didn't matter, mother or father - we worked out what we needed and worked to that.

But maybe in the perfect world, neither parent would work, butthey would always rather they spent more time with mum or dad than someone else

My husband and I did discuss this. When we worked out we could afford to drop two days, i offered for me to drop one and he the other. He declined as he genuinely enjoys working FT, but I understand where you're coming from.

I don’t think it matters at primary but at secondary I think it starts to matter more. I think kids could miss out if they aren’t able to go on trips or have driving lessons etc because mum’s not working through choice. I’m fairly sure most kids that age would pick financial stability and extra opportunities plus potential help with a house deposit.

This will be very unpopular with the SAHMs but unfortunately I think it’s true. I appreciate my mum way more for working and giving me the opportunities I’ve had financially than I would have her being home all the time in my teen years.

While I don't take my kids abroad, this summer they went on three different UK holidays, to four different zoos, did Go Ape and an aqua inflatable park - and more.

And when they went back to school and were asked about what they did/ what they enjoyed they both (in separate classes) said 'playing at home'.

What I'm saying is that however brilliant stuff is in the moment, by the time they tell their school pals they only seem to retain what they did in the last three days regardless.

We've had brilliant (cheap) UK holidays and they still get excited for them (eldest is 12). We'll go abroad eventually but I feel that while they can have a ball at a caravan park or camping I'll take advantage. If I introduce them to, for example, a waterpark on a foreign holiday a basic pool may no longer cut it but as it is they are delighted to play together in any form of water.

I work part-time and it means we go away and do something every holiday. Not fancy but always something they enjoy. That in itself is something I couldn't do if I worked full time.

I really wouldn't worry about it while they are young.

Of course primary children notice these things. But they also know having mum around after school and in the holidays is much better than a big car and 2 weeks in Tuscany.

I think there’s no right answer, and you have to do what’s important for you. For us, it’s important that we can give our DCs experiences and opportunities, and also save for their futures as well as ours. But I’m lucky that I can do 4 flexible days in my job so I don’t have to put them in afterschool club every day.

No matter what you do, when they’re teenagers they will resent some thing you’ve done.

The absolute judgement dripping out of this post my god. Saccharine almost.

our perspective - we both work FT. In senior enough roles with fabulous employers to have very significant flexibility and we mirror each other’s WFH days. Neither has a commute (my work is 15 mins walk). We do the foreign holidays, our kids have loads of hobbies and clubs we could only afford on 2 salaries and we don’t use either breakfast or after school club. School is 7 min walk away. Dinner is always had as a family around the table cooked from scratch. Family game time each night come what may after dinner. all our kids’ friends have working parents - many are my colleagues, we look out for each other, have a fantastic community, our house often buzzes with play dates.

The scenarios in your post are not quite the extremes you’d like to paint or believe.

Edit to add - my kids eat mums home cooked meals and get to accompany mum to conferences abroad when aligning with school holidays and watch her give talks. They get to to numerous clubs and hobbies on daddy’s and mummy’s salariesand get to come to daddy at 3.15 three days a week and mum 2 days a week. I could go on.

Well, do whatever you like OP! But make sure you have enough to live in in retirement and if a crisis happened.

This sounds great for you all. May i ask what kind of role/industry you are in, please?

The trick is to get senior enough before one has kids to be able to work flexibly around their school lives and afterschool clubs whilst retaining 2 x full time salaries.