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Original poster

Brother financially abusing mum

24 replies

Printerpaper · 23/12/2025 22:04

Hi,

I am concerned about my brothers financial behaviour regarding our mum. He’s living with her since his divorce (no issue with this) but I’ve discovered that he’s sometimes using her card for personal purchases and has also transferred money from her account to his. I’ve discussed it with her and she’s explained that he’s been struggling and that she doesn’t mind.

I know it’s not my business, but this can’t be right?? Where will it end?

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 23/12/2025 22:07

Well, depends how much she has in the bank obviously.

He'll ruin her. Leave her high and dry and then come to you.

Hope you have someone to help you with this situation OP.

Original poster
Printerpaper · 23/12/2025 22:08

suburberphobe · 23/12/2025 22:07

Well, depends how much she has in the bank obviously.

He'll ruin her. Leave her high and dry and then come to you.

Hope you have someone to help you with this situation OP.

She’s very comfortable, but that’s not the point

OP posts:
Muddlethroughmam · 23/12/2025 22:15

Does mum have capacity?

Original poster
Printerpaper · 23/12/2025 22:16

Muddlethroughmam · 23/12/2025 22:15

Does mum have capacity?

Yes she does. She’s fine. She’s 76.

OP posts:
Muddlethroughmam · 23/12/2025 22:18

Printerpaper · 23/12/2025 22:16

Yes she does. She’s fine. She’s 76.

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That's good, But unfortunately it means that there isn't much you can really do, I do agree it's concerning though.

Original poster
Printerpaper · 23/12/2025 22:19

Muddlethroughmam · 23/12/2025 22:18

That's good, But unfortunately it means that there isn't much you can really do, I do agree it's concerning though.

Show quote history

It’s hard as I do get on with my brother. It just seems like she’ll give him whatever he wants. I think that he knows that she’s got a few quid so thinks it’s ok

OP posts:
Muddlethroughmam · 23/12/2025 22:23

Printerpaper · 23/12/2025 22:19

It’s hard as I do get on with my brother. It just seems like she’ll give him whatever he wants. I think that he knows that she’s got a few quid so thinks it’s ok

Show quote history

It's really difficult, We've been in the same situation with a grandparent

Creepyoctopus · 23/12/2025 22:31

put a stop to it now before it gets out of control before you know it’ll all add up, sounds like a bad situation if you ask me

grinchmcgrinchface · 23/12/2025 22:32

Well if shes agreeing to it then there isn’t anything you can do unless she isn’t capable of making her own decisions?

Original poster
Printerpaper · 23/12/2025 22:39

I don’t want to paint my brother as an outright thief. I genuinely don’t believe he’s a bad person, but I do think that he’s taking advantage

OP posts:
Bromptotoo · 24/12/2025 08:33

How much in cash terms has he had?

Mercatorgater · 24/12/2025 13:14

There’s nothing you can do, if she’s willingly giving him money.

MissMoneyFairy · 24/12/2025 13:31

She's being very naive to give him her card, if she's scammed or there are checks on new purchases she won't be covered, it's against the terms and conditions. Why is he struggling, does he work, pay any bills.

Arlanymor · 24/12/2025 13:34

If you genuinely suspect financial abuse then get some advice: https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

Otherwise, if she has capacity and is content with the situation then it is up to her to spend her money as she wishes.

OSTMusTisNT · 24/12/2025 13:36

Had similar with my family, started off with dribs and drabs then became greedy and it was £2k for a new bed, then £20k for a new car. Before we knew it over £60K had been taken.

Unbeknown to the financially controlling prick though, relative noted it all down and adjusted her will accordingly.

Original poster
Printerpaper · 24/12/2025 13:36

Bromptotoo · 24/12/2025 08:33

How much in cash terms has he had?

I think a few thousand pounds over about 2 years

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 24/12/2025 13:40

Printerpaper · 24/12/2025 13:36

I think a few thousand pounds over about 2 years

Edited
Show quote history

So if she is as comfortable as you say and she doesnt mind helping him out as you say, why does it bother you so much? I will always help out my kids if i can and they need it, regardless of age.
Is your worry that you are not getting the same?

Mercurial123 · 24/12/2025 13:43

Printerpaper · 24/12/2025 13:36

I think a few thousand pounds over about 2 years

Edited
Show quote history

How much is a "few thousand"? It doesn't seem excessive.

olderbutwiser · 24/12/2025 13:45

If it\s her choice then it’s her choice. It sounds as though she can afford it. A few £k over a couple of years is really not that much if she is comfortably off.

So what’s the actual problem? Are you concerned he will ramp it up? Or that he\s using her card without her permission or knowledge? Or do you feel it’s unfair?

If you get on well with him and think he’s taking the piss then tell him.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/12/2025 13:47

If tve estate is liable to pay inheritance tax you need to tell your mum and brother that a record needs to be kept of all gifts (over £3000 per annum).

MissMoneyFairy · 24/12/2025 17:24

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/12/2025 13:47

If tve estate is liable to pay inheritance tax you need to tell your mum and brother that a record needs to be kept of all gifts (over £3000 per annum).

Only for 7 years prior to expected death

circledrain1 · 24/12/2025 17:51

If your mumhas capacity to make her own decisions then how she spends her money really isn't any of your business I'm afraid - it is her money to spend as she wishes!

Yellowshirt · 25/12/2025 18:54

There's very little you can do. My ex mother in law did it to her own old aged mother. She became jointly in charge of her mothers finances when her father died.

She just took this as permission to remove thousands of pounds along with her sister from her mothers bank account for new cars and kitchens. Then pay it back slowly as an interest free loan.

She kept it as a secret from her other brother and sister.

Being a tax inspector as well She also conveniently knew how to move money and give out money as gifts to avoid paying tax.

The saddest thing I saw was her taking her mothers debit card shopping so her mother could pay for the Sunday roast she was buying. It probably saved her about £30 but she was just a horrible greedy woman.

Teado · 28/12/2025 20:22

A few thousand over two years doesn’t seem excessive tbh. Most well-off older people want to help their children financially.

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