This is my first time posting here. Bear with me as it’s long! I feel a bit nervous as I’m a very private person, but I don’t have anyone impartial to talk to about my situation. I also know that my friends will say I’m in a batshit situation if I tell them what’s really going on!
DP and I have been together 3years and recently had a ds who was born extremely premature. It’s been a rollercoaster but after 3 months back and forth to the hospital, he is finally home. This early delivery meant I wasn’t able to finish my diploma by the end of the year, as anticipated. I can finish it later, that’s fine, but nothing has really gone to plan so far! I plan to earn money doing online teaching whilst I stay home and look after our son. I finally feel like my mat leave has started for real and rather than driving back and forth to the hospital I get to stay in bed with him whilst he cluster feeds. He’s magical and I’m trying to soak up every moment.
So now to our situation; I have worked for the same company for 20 years and negotiated a slightly better deal than just SMP. I also have some savings, but nothing life changing. DP now refers to me as “unemployed” and “not working”, and I’m not sure he understands what mat leave is and why it exists. I have suggested (sarcastically) that he could look after our baby and I’ll go back to work. That’s not what I want btw, I’m just trying to get him to realise that looking after a baby isn’t a holiday. I’m also still doing the majority of the domestic chores, but that’s not what this post is about.
During my pregnancy DP’s work situation became difficult and resulted in him being signed off with stress. I’ve tried to be as supportive as possible towards him but it’s hard when I didn’t have anyone looking after me and I was pregnant and dealing with his stress on top of everything else. I had a major bleed and was hospitalised which I think was triggered by a meltdown DP had over his work situation where he was unhinged and acting extremely erratic. A week later I had PROM and then a week after that our baby was born.
We will have to move out of London next year to somewhere cheaper if his work situation isn’t resolved. His problems always become my problems, inevitably when we cohabit and have a child together. DP is looking for other avenues of income in anticipation of needing them, and now spends most of his time on his phone or in his home office. He isn’t present or emotionally available. I understand he is under a lot of stress at the moment and pressure to provide for us, but his constant planning for the future makes him unavailable in the present. I feel like we won’t have a relationship in the future if it isn’t nurtured in the present. There is no “us time” other than Netflix in the evening and no intimacy. I suggested a date night, even once a month, and he agreed, but I’d have to arrange it or it would never happen. Now baby is here that’s definitely not going to happen. We don’t have family near us so don’t have a village to support us with baby. My mother is a few hours away, but she is in her late 70s and I can’t lean in her too much. I am sad that DP isn’t connecting and bonding with our son now he is home. He is so distant and disconnected. I have tried to talk to him about this but he gets worked up and asks me what solution I have for us to make money. I feel so disappointed and sad that I waited all this time to finally have a child and I am now feeling insecure and unsettled whilst on mat leave and with a man who won’t just sort his shit out and provide for us. I find it very unmasculine and a turn off. I had imagined he’d be working and providing for us whilst I took the blow to my career, income and pension to look after our child. He has savings but sensibly doesn’t want to just use them to live on. My plan is to top up my SMP with my savings. This obviously leaves me with no savings and puts me at a disadvantage but I don’t have another option. I don’t want to put our child into a nursery and work long hours to pay for that and not be with him. I have decided to care for our child myself and try to work/earn around doing that.
We just had a row as I told him he couldn’t be in his office working over Christmas (2 days!) He seems to think I’m being unreasonable, but it’s our first Christmas with our son and as a little family and I’d like us to reconnect and play some board games and go for nice walks together. I also don’t want to feel lonely over Christmas. I know this won’t be the case, and his reaction was the stress talking, but it was enough to make me cry.
I feel insecure about where I’ll be in a year. DP wants us to move to his country next year, but I don’t speak the language (I will learn), know anyone there, it’s far away, I’ll be dependent on him and I’ll be isolated with a man I don’t feel I have a strong enough relationship with to be happy and thrive in such a different country.
I know there will be the usual LTB comments, but it’s never that straight forward. What would you do in my situation? I guess I’m just going along with things and hoping for the best/a miracle.