Duping child maintenance

[LA1988]

My eldests dad is forever stating he cant afford the CM that the CMS has set up. At the beginning 2 years ago never had a problem. A year ago he met a woman & within 7 weeks of meeting he moved her & her 2 kids in. Thats when he first started saying he couldn't afford the amount set by CMS. 5 months later he tried again because they announced they were having a baby. Since the baby's birth he is constantly stating to me he cant afford the set amount & would I mind it being reduced. I have refused because he recently went to Disney land for a week with his partner & her kids (my child wasn't invited) & he proposed. My point is if he can afford extravagant holidays & engagement rings, he can afford his CM payments. When I mentioned this he called me a gold digging, jealous & bitter ex because hes moving on with his life (i left him for good reasons). For our child's birthday in August he sent £10 & the Christmas before our child recieved nothing from him or his family but posted on social media a tree surrounded by gifts for his partner & her children. He earns good money & owns his house so doesn't have to worry about rent. He's also started making excuses to not have our child on the days we set out. Every other weekend & half the holidays. When he went to Disney land his excuse for not having our child was he had broke his foot. Our child was extremely upset when they found out that not only had their dad lied about his injury but also because their dad had always promised to take him to disneyland but went without them.
Am I wrong to be angry about this situation?

I’d be bloody furious ! If he’s being an arse - can you go direct to cms so he doesn’t have to contact you ?

Not at all!

a lot of men do this when they meet another woman, sometimes, the women influence them because they don’t want the ex having money from him, which is disgusting, I wouldn’t respect a man that tried to get out of paying for his own child.
your child is likely going to be pushed out now, I’ve seen it far too many times and any woman that thinks that’s ok is a disgrace.
dont let him pay less, he seems to be doing just fine, he’s rather just give you less. They think the money is used on the mum and therefore begrudge it, they don’t look at the bigger picture and realise what they give doesn’t usually come anywhere near close to what a child costs.
stay strong and don’t let him wriggle out of his responsibility.

I went through CMS to get a estimated figure of what he should pay because he offered me £100 a month but thankfully I remembered just how much he earns annually so knew it would be more than what he was offering. He pays me direct because CMS kept messing around with releasing payments & some months ended up scraping by until I recieved the payment from them.

I feel my child has been pushed out already. I said when my ex & his partner had their baby (a boy) it was kind of like they were replacing my child. My exs family dont send birthday cards/gifts for my child since I left their dad. Their happy to post all over social media that im a bad mother & keeping my child from them but ive never stopped any form of contact. My ex is using every excuse possible to not see our child & his family just dont make any effort with them either. I mean when i was with my ex & our child was born they were the 15th grandchild. At the time that ranged between ages 11 to 6mths old. Since then there has been 3 more children & my exs 2 step children added to the family so technically my child is now 1 of 20 grandchildren but none of the other grandchildren get left out just mine.

totally understandable but you are doing right by your son and that's what you need to focus on don't worry about what your ex has and is doing, as it will only make you angry and bitter. just remember you left him for a reason. i would not accept reduced payments no matter what his excuses, the cms calculate the minimum he should pay so dont accept less. if you are with the cms even if its direct pay its changing in 2027/2028 to collect and pay for all people or you have to close account. keep account open and take what your son is due for support save the money and you both goto disney and have a great time.

“Men” like him make me feel nauseous. He is behaving despicably but I think you will have to go through CMS officially to get him to pay what he should. As an aside, I am baffled that some other women has decided he’s a good bet to have a child with, when he behaves like this?

Word of warning - if you’re not already doing it through CMS and you go through them officially, he will get a reduction from the previous figure, based on her two kids and also their child.

I wish I could take him on holiday. Haven't had one in 5yrs due to everything being so expensive. By the time I have paid rent, all bills & done a food shop im left with very little. The CM i pay for anything my child needs or keep to one side for school trips etc.

Its already been reduced because of the extra children but he still claims he cant afford the amount set by CMS.

Shes 15yrs younger than him & she doesn't like me or my child. I suspect a slight gold digger too. She was a single mum of 2 kids with no family to support her before she met my ex. I stayed with him for 10yrs helping to raise his child he has full custody of & then our child we had together but his family made it very clear they didnt like me.

What a stupid woman she is, and what an awful excuse for a father he is.

CMS all the way, unless he is self employed and fiddling the books.

Tell him one last time he pays in full and on time or you'll be having CMS deduct it from him.

I'd go through CMS.
Sorry you are going through this. These men make me sick. Imagine treating your own child like that.

Go through CMS and let them deal with him.

It does go through CMS they worked out the amount he has to pay but he pays me directly.

I emailed him 2 days ago asking if he was paying me early due to the next payment day being on a Sunday & also to discuss this bank account he has set up & if our child will have access to it considering its money people have obviously given him as gifts for their birthday/Christmas & he hasn't replied again.

I feel it warrants a reply because im asking questions that only he give answers too. Our child is upset because they have said its their money so they should be able to have it & spend it how they like. I mean a 13yr old isn't cheap these days & I cant always afford the latest game or money for their Xbox etc so if they have money gifted to them they should be able to spend it.

I feel like sending a follow up email stating if he doesn't reply then I will take it back to court & get the emails stopped because he just refuses to respond even when its valid questions.

Get a child arrangement in place through the courts. Don't respond to any messages about paying less.

We have one in place. He took me to court & asked for every other weekend & half the holidays etc. He got what he wanted. This has all started since he met his new partner. I abide by everything in the court order. Kept all messages or emails stating that ive asked when hes picking our child up etc. Kept any responses (which is not much because he hardly replies). Its just got to the point where im thinking why should I bother when he doesn't but if I break the order by not sending emails etc he would take me straight back to court to punish me.

Go through CMS.

Also from experience, I can almost guarantee his new partner is the one paying for the majority of these presents/holidays.

Don't you have set times for pick ups/drop offs? You need to have set times in place I know it's rigid but unfortunately it's needed sometimes. I have been back to the family courts to get mine amended before. Really scale back on conversation just say collect at X time and drop off at Z time.

Drop the rope. Your son is old enough to see his dad for the person he is. Don’t cover for him. Don’t chase him. If he wants to see your son he know when his contact is. Just go about your life and don’t give him any head space. Your son will know who the safe reliable parent is. I’d stop messing around with money to and go for deductions of earning. He will go nuts. But if he can’t chose to do the responsible thing then he has to live with the consequences. I know how difficult all this is. I’ve been facing the same battle. Only after 8 year the children’s father called me to discuss paying directly. And has done so since without chasing. No reminders, no asking for praise just because he managed to do the right thing. Time to draw your line in the sand.