Power of Attorney for parents

PopandFizz · 2025-11-11T20:54:06+00:00

Hey, I'm 1 of 3 siblings, 2 of us get along great and the third is an argumentative, stubborn pain in the butt. We still communicate semi regular but there are regular disagreements and many times where me and my sister have to just stop engaging in the convo as otherwise it would escalate. My sister (the baby at 30) is quite naive about a lot of 'grown up' matters and often runs to my parents for help. I'm married with kids and work with contracts and do paperwork as part of my professional job. Parents were sorting their power of attorney and spoke to the 2 of us about all 3 of us being on it. I immediately said no, it could be just us 2, or just me or her, but if the 3rd was on it will cause lots of hassle. They are very very pigheaded and always think they are right and are willing to die on their hill - aka if all 3 of us need to agree and their opinion differs they won't be persuaded otherwise. My sis agreed. At the weekend my sis text to say she'd signed the documents and all 3 of us were on it. Noone has spoken to me about this yet. We have recently suffered a family bereavement and during this time the 3rd very clearly displayed the exact reasons he would be a terrible POA. Things like 'that's not for us to help that's the state', 'they need to adapt to life help' (that was 2 days post death btw!!). My sis agrees it should be just us 2 but won't dispute saying its our parents choice. But is it?? I feel like I can say 'no, that'll cause issues either take him off or take me off' If I'm signing up to this, I should agree right? I'm really not exaggerating when I say they literally always think they are right. I suspect they have undiagnosed autism.

ozarina · 11/11/2025 20:56

The POA can't be lodged if you are named and haven't signed it and had it witnessed.

P00hsticks · 11/11/2025 21:02

Check to see if the document has the three of you to act 'jointly' or 'severally' - with the former option all three of you have to agree, but with the latter any of the named PoAs can act unilaterally - although that in turn might cause problems if one starts doing things without informing the others...

Andromed1 · 11/11/2025 23:44

You will only have POA if you accept and sign with a witness. If you're not happy don't sign. Your parents should have asked you before putting you down on the form.

weirdthread · 11/11/2025 23:55

If you don't sign, you're not on it.

Harassedevictee · 12/11/2025 16:50

@PopandFizz I appreciate where you are coming from but I’m going ask you to take a step back and think about this from other perspectives.

Have your parents made each other their Attorney’s? It’s easy to forget it is extremely unlikely both parents will lose competence at the same time. Ideally they should be the first Attorney for each other.

Your parents have 3 children, asking them to choose between them isn’t fair. No parent should be made to pick one child over another; unless there is a very good reason.

It is your parents LPA not yours, they are free to choose who they want to be their Attorney’s. Trying to coerce them by not respecting their choice is not in keeping with the guidance on setting up LPA’s. I know that sounds harsh but think about it from your parent’s perspective.

If you have concerns about your sibling, if you are Attorney you have oversight so can spot any problems early. If you aren’t an Attorney you have no right to know what is going on. Personally, I would rather be an Attorney just so I know what the other Attorney’s are doing.

There are two LPAs Health & Welfare and Property and Finances. Could you suggest to your parents they consider having different lead and reserve Attorney’s? This way all three of you are on both but problem sibling is reserve on Health & Welfare and you are reserve on Property & Finance. The sibling who is happy to work with you both is Attorney on both for consistency.

I know siblings can be extremely difficult but sometimes being pragmatic and thinking what gives you the best opportunity to act in your parents best interests may not be ideal for you but may be the right option for them. Remember you can always take action if an Attorney is not acting in your parents best interests.

Superscientist · 12/11/2025 19:15

I'm one of three and have been discussing power of attorneys with my parents they are looking into making them. We have come to the conclusion that 2 would be better on each POA. Two of us are better at the admin and finances so the intention is for us to do both financial POA. The third sibling is better with the care aspects and will be on both medical POA with either me or second sibling. This way it's not left all to one person, we play to one anothers strengths and there's at least one of us that can deal with all finances or all health.

I think it's probably worth sitting down and talking through the poas with your siblings and parents. To be blunt, if communication about how they are being set up and getting agreement is already tricky imagine how hard it's going to be when you are in the deep end with parents that need you to advocate for their best interests but the three of you can't communicate effectively.

My mum and her sister fairly recently were acting poas for both of my grandparents. Both lived into their 90s and became increasingly frail, my gran cognitively with dementia and my grandad physically with COPD and deteriorating eye sight. They have a mostly good relationship but it did test this. My mum mostly took care of the health aspects and my aunt the financial and that tended to work best. Keeping both fully in the loop was the hard bit especially with medical. There was one occasion where some medication wasn't given as my aunt didn't recognise so didn't know what is was for. After this they kept a note book with the medication outlining any changes in prescribing and the reasons

Original poster

PopandFizz · 12/11/2025 20:58

P00hsticks · 11/11/2025 21:02

Check to see if the document has the three of you to act 'jointly' or 'severally' - with the former option all three of you have to agree, but with the latter any of the named PoAs can act unilaterally - although that in turn might cause problems if one starts doing things without informing the others...

This is great advice and not something my sister looked at. She'll sign anything!

But also a good point about being potentially left out the loop. I could see him getting power mad and not sharing because he doesn't have to.

This is why I feel a bit coerced though, because I'm the most caring and the one that does everything for everyone. I feel like they know I wouldn't want to not be part of the conversation about their care/finances.

OP posts:

Original poster

PopandFizz · 12/11/2025 21:08

Harassedevictee · 12/11/2025 16:50

@PopandFizz I appreciate where you are coming from but I’m going ask you to take a step back and think about this from other perspectives.

Have your parents made each other their Attorney’s? It’s easy to forget it is extremely unlikely both parents will lose competence at the same time. Ideally they should be the first Attorney for each other.

Your parents have 3 children, asking them to choose between them isn’t fair. No parent should be made to pick one child over another; unless there is a very good reason.

It is your parents LPA not yours, they are free to choose who they want to be their Attorney’s. Trying to coerce them by not respecting their choice is not in keeping with the guidance on setting up LPA’s. I know that sounds harsh but think about it from your parent’s perspective.

If you have concerns about your sibling, if you are Attorney you have oversight so can spot any problems early. If you aren’t an Attorney you have no right to know what is going on. Personally, I would rather be an Attorney just so I know what the other Attorney’s are doing.

There are two LPAs Health & Welfare and Property and Finances. Could you suggest to your parents they consider having different lead and reserve Attorney’s? This way all three of you are on both but problem sibling is reserve on Health & Welfare and you are reserve on Property & Finance. The sibling who is happy to work with you both is Attorney on both for consistency.

I know siblings can be extremely difficult but sometimes being pragmatic and thinking what gives you the best opportunity to act in your parents best interests may not be ideal for you but may be the right option for them. Remember you can always take action if an Attorney is not acting in your parents best interests.

The other is the first attorney but I'd disagree they are unlikely to lose competence at same time, I've seen it happen to quite a few!

This isn't them overlooking one of us for the will. There are good reasons why they shouldn't be POA, they've spent the last month talking about how our nan should be learning to look after herself and we should leave the state to sort stuff - big red flags! It doesn't mean they prefer some kids over the other, it's recognising who would be best placed.

I'm not trying to coerce them - if anything by having the documents drawn up when I've expressed I wouldn't be comfortable with the arrangement they are trying to coerce me!

My parents have a history of burying their head in the sand when it comes to my brother. If anything, which is a point I made when this was discussed, disagreeing firmly with POA responsibilities could lead to a much bigger and more permanent fall out when my parents aren't there to patch things up which I'd rather avoid.

My brother also lives 2.5hrs away and doesn't drive so won't be any help with practical arrangements. He'll literally just be barking orders from a distance if he can. This is what he has been doing recently with my nan and he's gotten both me and my sisters backs up.

OP posts:

Original poster

PopandFizz · 12/11/2025 21:09

Superscientist · 12/11/2025 19:15

I'm one of three and have been discussing power of attorneys with my parents they are looking into making them. We have come to the conclusion that 2 would be better on each POA. Two of us are better at the admin and finances so the intention is for us to do both financial POA. The third sibling is better with the care aspects and will be on both medical POA with either me or second sibling. This way it's not left all to one person, we play to one anothers strengths and there's at least one of us that can deal with all finances or all health.

I think it's probably worth sitting down and talking through the poas with your siblings and parents. To be blunt, if communication about how they are being set up and getting agreement is already tricky imagine how hard it's going to be when you are in the deep end with parents that need you to advocate for their best interests but the three of you can't communicate effectively.

My mum and her sister fairly recently were acting poas for both of my grandparents. Both lived into their 90s and became increasingly frail, my gran cognitively with dementia and my grandad physically with COPD and deteriorating eye sight. They have a mostly good relationship but it did test this. My mum mostly took care of the health aspects and my aunt the financial and that tended to work best. Keeping both fully in the loop was the hard bit especially with medical. There was one occasion where some medication wasn't given as my aunt didn't recognise so didn't know what is was for. After this they kept a note book with the medication outlining any changes in prescribing and the reasons

Your comment about it testing the relationship is a big concern for me as well. We already bicker in family online conversations and he constantly picks fights with everyone. It's already a slightly strained relationship, adding this into the mix could topple it and then he'd be alone.

OP posts:

Harassedevictee · 13/11/2025 11:04

@PopandFizz “I'm not trying to coerce them - if anything by having the documents drawn up when I've expressed I wouldn't be comfortable with the arrangement they are trying to coerce me!”

Your parents are lawfully stating who they want as their Attorney’s. It is entirely their choice who they do and don’t have. That is not coercion.

You can refuse to be an Attorney which is not coercion.

In your op you stated “I immediately said no, it could be just us 2, or just me or her, but if the 3rd was on it will cause lots of hassle. They are very very pigheaded and always think they are right and are willing to die on their hill.”

You maybe 100% right but the mistake is your parents to make. Insisting one child is excluded is not lawful as it’s not your parent’s free choice.

I absolutely get it has the potential to be a shit show, I know from bitter experience. I know you are trying to avoid a potential major fall out in the future but this is not the way to do it.

You need to respect your parents legal right to chose their Attorneys. Your legal right is to either agree or decline to be their Attorney. My advice is agree as your parents may never lose capacity so it’s a moot point, plus it is easier to resolve issues if you are an Attorney.

FastTurtle · 13/11/2025 18:30

Honestly just sign it and all three of you be on it, it’s not worth the nightmare if you don’t get it done in time.

Lifestooshort71 · 15/11/2025 20:21

FastTurtle · 13/11/2025 18:30

Honestly just sign it and all three of you be on it, it’s not worth the nightmare if you don’t get it done in time.

Agree with cracking on. I sent mine off 29th September, it's only just been ticked as received and the update says it could take 16 weeks to complete the process so the sooner you get it sent off.....mine was still in 'waiting' status for a week after they'd cleared my cheque so all seems a bit of a shambles to me.