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Original poster

Help - in debt secretly husband doesn't know

41 replies

Riverbananacarrot · 26/10/2025 09:39

I'm looking for advice.

I've a secret credit card debt of about £8000 and my husband doesn't know anything about it. It's not from gambling or shopping or anything it's literally from day to day spending and not budgeting. It's been going on years. Any time I think about confessing I get a sick feeling in my stomach. He will be so annoyed and mad at me . ( Never violently - never abusive) But the disappointment will kill me.
I am terrible and managing my own money but I work pretty high up in a bank so earn fairly decently and am great with other peoples money. ( Which makes it worse)

I need to confess and ask him for help budgeting but I am so ashamed , embarrassed and a bit horrified.

He doesn't understand how I can not be on top of things like this. ( I'm don't either TBH)
I have a stressful job and a toddler ( together with my husband) sick elderly parents and I just shove it down to the very bottom of my mind.

How do I even approach this? I feel physically sick at the thought.

OP posts:

Coconutter24 · 28/10/2025 15:54

Bjorkdidit · 26/10/2025 10:15

But don't just blame yourself on this. If he was anyway on top of household budgeting he would have noticed there was a problem and talked to you about it.

They only have one joint account and their own separate accounts. OPs DH isn’t responsible for what OP does with her own accounts and money

DeedlessIndeed · 28/10/2025 16:09

Just to say OP, I did this with my DP years ago. Had £5K credit card debt that had gone on living costs etc whilst I was such a low wage.

The best thing was just being open with him. I got it sorted and now have such a different view towards money. I cringe when I think about the cost of interest over the years but alas.

Having that frankness helped so much in our relationship though. It removed a stigma about not talking about money. Yes, I had to swallow my pride initially. But by being open etc we gained each other's trust and truly got on the same page about finances. Now have fully joint finances, and I manage all the savings etc.

TeenToTwenties · 29/10/2025 08:14

Why on earth do you cover all the clothing etc costs for your toddler?!
Children are a joint expense and should count as a joint bill.

You'll be saying next that when your pay dropped during maternity leave you still paid the same into the joint pot.

Then you'll let us know you now work part time and still put the same in.

(Though lunches out does sound extravagant...)

Original poster

Riverbananacarrot · 30/10/2025 08:02

Hello everyone thank you so much for all the responses.

So when I was in maternity leave I was in full pay (a wonderful perk with my company) and I was the higher earner so yes I still contributed towards joint money.

The paying for clothing - I tended to buy the clothes so I automatically paid for it - it wasn't anything malicious or intended just the way things happened

I had a long discussion with my husband and I'm so glad I did. We went through all my bills all the joint bills etc. He paid off some of the debt and we have a plan to jointly pay off the debt. He is more annoyed about the lying that anything ( which I would be too)

We also shifted and changed payments into joint account.

He also said I need to stop thinking about his and my money and it's all our money so if I have an unexpected bill or expense to discuss with him and we will pay it together rather than using debt.

Think I just built it up in my head.

OP posts:

BCBird · 30/10/2025 08:03

This sounds like a good outcome OP. Thanks for the update.

PucaBandearg · 30/10/2025 08:06

That's a great update @Riverbananacarrot - well done for being brave and speaking up. Your DH sounds like one of the good guys (rare enough here on MN). Sounds like a fair plan all around.

PermanentTemporary · 30/10/2025 08:11

Great to hear that you have had a good talk. I’m afraid things like this do leave a bruise on the trust - I hope between you you can stay open and rebuild.

TeenToTwenties · 30/10/2025 08:14

Excellent result.

Lennonjingles · 30/10/2025 08:20

Thanks for the update, hopefully if anyone else is in a similar position and doesn’t want to tell their DH/partner, it may give them the courage to do so.

Hadalifeonce · 30/10/2025 08:24

If you already have a joint account, all household and family expenses should come out of that. Well done on discussing it with your DH, it took courage, but it sounds as he is a team player.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 30/10/2025 08:35

I would suggest that all money apart from agreed personal money was in joint account. Agree a sum depending on your budget that is personal with no strings for your clothes make up haircuts coffee nights out with friends buying DH presents

All other expenditure family eating out date nights presents for kids holidays etc as well as bills and food comes from joint account. Just like last night have one evening a month exactly after payday and decide jointly what your money is going to do this month is requires X to pay all bills etc we will have £256 left over which we will save for Christmas, decide at beginning of month how much will go towards settling rest of credit card debt and after it's paid out that money aside for savings. Have a big meeting at beginning of 2026 on goals for year how much is going on holidays gifts family days out car maintenance house maintenance, any other annual bill not monthly add it up divide by 12 and save it on separate account so no surprises.
Then start a saving account for emergencies etc

But basically you need a budget then stick to it. You and Dh decide together your financial goals and work together with transparency and you will pay off debt quicker and build savings better. A team works better

Muffinmam · 30/10/2025 08:43

Henrik Ibsen wrote a play about a wife getting into debt and being afraid to tell her husband (first performance in 1891).

Basically, her husband gets sick and to survive the wife borrows money for living expenses. He gets better but she can’t tell him about her debt. When I first studied this I thought it was ludicrous. It was the husband’s responsibility to provide for his family and he wasn’t doing that.

The wife was an anxious mess because a debt collector comes to her house collecting payment.

I can’t remember how it ends.

Do you earn more than your husband? Do you get bonuses at work?

Your anxiety is making you stress about this. You’re working. You can get this paid off in a year by making repayments.

FaceDownInAPuddle · 30/10/2025 08:53

I have a similar personal loan. I am not a hugh earner, but managing to pay it back each month. Why is this such a struggle, have you not go a regular DD to pay it off?

Spellingchallenge · 30/10/2025 09:02

I recently found out my partner (of 10 years) has a significant amount of debt. I knew he had debt but he wasn't honest with the amount. It's really shattered my trust. I know there I shame etc around it but I wish he'd have just told me sooner because I could have helped. I'm really struggling to move on from it. Tell him and ask for help, but you have to step up too. Write a budget and stick to it, set up a plan for repayment. Perhaps withdraw yourself some cash each week to live on and when it's gone it's gone.

purple590 · 30/10/2025 09:36

It's great that you've managed to speak to him and you're solving it as a team OP. What a great partnership! I think you need to trust him more and feel you can speak to him about these things before they start to spiral. He sounds like a good guy.

MrsPrendergast · 30/10/2025 09:39