xp not complying with court order - help please

[Harra]

Hi all,
Quick summary of my situation. xp took me to court for more access, court order drawn up. We have 4 weeks of holidays per year each with ds (aged 2.4) on top of access days. 1 week to be taken at Easter, 2 in the summer and 1 at Xmas. XP is supposed to tell me the weeks he wants ds by 14th Feb each year and I am to respond by end of Feb.

Currently we have done Easter, xp has asked for a week in August which has been agreed. I have asked xp to have ds for a week in June which he has said he would but wanted another week on top of this as it wasn't his chosen week. He has still not said which week he would like to have ds. Unfortunately we are not amiciable at all and argue if we talk. I have e-mailed xp stating that he should have told me which weeks he would like ds by the end of Feb and as he hasn't I have had to make plans and have given him this week in June and a week in December.
His response to this was 'what weeks am I going to have ds'. I spoke to xp on the telephone to clarify that he could take ds for the week in June which he replied 'yes he would look after ds then but still wanted another week on top'.

I feel I am being reseaonable and as I see it he is not applying with the court order. At the time when he took me to court, he is choosing not to work (so he can look after ds any time) so made out he was very flexiable. I do have work commitments so I think the judge wrote the court order accordlingly.

Xp thinks it is unfair that in the order I don't have to give notice of the weeks I want ds. Obviously I do give notice.

My question is if he takes ds for this week in June and then tries to take another week with ds later in the summer (ie taking 3 weeks instead of his allocated 2) what steps can I take? I am very reluctant to seek legal advice as I spent a fortune last time.
I know it is all very petty that we can't sort this out but he seems to relish making my life diffucult and will say the opposite to anything I say.

Hope someone can advise. Thanks.

Don't give him any more weeks than the court order states - do not argue with hi just tell him what he is having - this is what I have to do with XH - you give him an inch and hetakes a mile - one minute he asks for this and that thinking we are mates ad the next he is being arsey and rude - it is best to not even bother just tell him he can ave what the judge agreed and that is that.

Will your son benefit from the extra time with him?

If you feel this then you should inform the court that he is not upholding the order and ask them to help you or maybe go to CAB?

The judge made it really clear in Court, when he made the order for dh's contact with dsd, that the order was for the MINIMUM contact dh should have, and that more contact would be desirable.

What's the harm in letting him have an extra week in the summer? If you just agreed to it wouldn't it save you a shed load of arguments and hassle? And fair play to him if he does want him more, there are tons of dads who refuse to have their children for extra time and tons who don't want to know.

Thanks for your replies.

Twinkle1 - I do agree with you, my xp does a lot just to spite me not in the best interests of ds.

spacepuppy - ds spends a lot of time with xp already (11 out of 28 nights on a 4 weekly basis). Maybe I should inform the court and I could try the CAB. I miss my ds so much already when I don't have him so I am reluctant to spend less time with him. Ds will probably be fine either way.

Surfermum - you have previoulsy given good advice and my sister says the same as you. However, currently xp pays me maintenace less 2/7ths and this would take it into less 3/7ths. I have had a nightmare getting any money from him (CSA tribunals etc) and I think this is one of his reasons for being so diffucult as well as not wanting to do anything I ask.
I appreciate it is 'only money' but like Twinkle1's situation he will take as much as possible. And I know there are loads of Dads who don't see their kids so ds is lucky in that respect, but xp is doing this to spite and try and control me, not for ds's benefit.

Well I have just e-mailed him on the back of the original e-mail a week when I would like ds and offered xp to forgo his xmas week for a 3rd week in the summer if he chooses.

Honestly, the day dh stopped arguing with his x over every hour he had dsd was the day things started to turn around. We just adopted the "whatever" attitude - if she was amenable then great, if she wasn't then so be it. But he wasn't going to continue having endless battles with her.

It worked - we've gone from trying to "negotiate" (ie her saying that's when you're having her and that's it) to her saying "you might as well keep her for the rest of half term" and agreeing to alternate Christmas Days and 3 weeks instead of 2 in the summer which wasn't on the Court order.

From dsd's point of view, now she's older she doesn't understand why the contact isn't equal. We've always stuck with "that's what the Court said" rather than it being about what her mum would or wouldn't agree to. She doesn't understand why the court said 4 weeks in the summer hols with her mum and 2 with her dad - what made sense to her, and what she wanted was half with each.

Could I ask, how did you approach it with him? Did you ask him to swap an Aug week for a June week, or just ask him to have him for a week in June? It's just I can kind of see his point if it's the latter, he might just have assumed it was the offer of extra time and wasn't agreeing on the basis of a swap, and now he feels annoyed that he's losing time in the summer hence his reaction. It might just be that both your expectations of the arrangements were different, but when things are really acrimonious it's hard to see the wood for the trees on both sides.

Hi SM,

'Would you be able to have ds for the other of your weeks summer holiday with him from about Saturday 21st June 2008?'was my original e-mail.

To which his reply was 'no I want to have him later but I can look after him if you would like'.

I did not reply to that. I can see written down like this, he comes across as reseanable, but he isn't and he is not doing what the court said and hasn't actually said what other week he wants to have ds.

Ok, so that was pretty clear!

I think maybe the giving him dates is what has pissed him off - but this should have been sorted by the end of February, so I can understand why you did that. We used to try and get all our dates sorted in January - the theory being it would get all the arguing over and done with - but dh's x would refuse to agree to anything and would tell dh that she wasn't having him tell her when he was seeing dd, we would have to wait until she'd decided when. And sometimes it would be the Wednesday before Easter. Drove me up the wall as we couldn't plan anything - so I know where you're coming from.

I think the way he's perceiving the situation is different to you. You think the June dates are his week - he thinks he's having August but has offered to have him extra. So in his mind he hasn't asked for anything more than he should have done - it's you that have asked him to have your ds more, so he's hasn't really broken the Court order.

Hi SM,

I probably haven't made myself clear. XP is going to have a week in August with ds. He is due to have another week with ds in the summer which he hasn't told/asked him when. He should have asked me by 14th Feb (which is in the court order - not clear in my op) but has not done so. So you are correct that he hasn't asked for anything extra, but is just dragging his feet about what he whats, not accommodating me and not complying with the court order. He gets pissed off with anything I say/do so I try and limit any communication but we have to have some about ds.

He has just responded that he will not be dictated too. Still hasn't said which other week he would like ds!
Thanks for your reply.

I think I see what you mean now. He isn't complying with the court order by not giving his dates. At least I go the bit about him not liking being dictated to .

I wish you had been dsd's mum, we would have had dates sorted no problem .

That's right. I just feel that he will 'look after' him for that week and then try and take 'a third week' later on. Then how do I go about stopping him. He used to threaten me quite a lot about not bringing ds back. We have shared residency so the police won't want to know and I really don't want to fork out any more for solictors fees. It should be clear enough in our correspondence as I am extremely careful about how I word e-mails (or any type of communication for that mattter) and I always try to not be confrontational, dictate, talk down to him, be patronising, but however I say/suggest anything - it is wrong.

What a pain for you with your dsd's mum, as you said before a nightmare to plan anything.