Child maintenance query

[NurseSarah2]

Hi I am writing here as I'm really struggling.
A brief description of my problem is I have 2 children ages 13 and 16 the 16 year old decided he wanted to live full time at his dad's and his dad got on to child maintenance immediately, I have to pay £330 a month for him and I am struggling to afford this, I have tried explaining to his dad and he's not interested and I have asked my son to move back in for half the time but his dad has told him if he does he will have to pay rent to him to make up for the loss of money.

I am doing without meals and can't afford anything and don't know what to do, child maintenance said circumstances don't matter and it's just how often they stay overnight.

Has anyone had any experience of this as I'm getting deeper and deeper in debt and it's killing me.

Thank you I work full time so can't get any benefits, I have had to cancel broadband completely, I have the lowest possible phone contract. I know there is a lot of people a lot worse off than me I just thought someone on here might have had the same issue.

Glad to hear you’re getting help, do you have a debt management plan? They should be affordable and take into account the child maintenance you pay.

Sorry posted before I saw your most recent comment. You can still be entitled to universal credit and work full time so it’s worth checking. Although I will admit with only one older child living with you and a house you own rather than rent it is unlikely you’ll be entitled to much, if anything. Google entitled to (MN doesn’t like me posting links today!) and check.

Have you got the single person council tax discount?

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do, you have to pay for your child if your child does not live with you.

I work FT and still get CHB? Plenty of FT people still get UC too?

If he was with full time, and his dad tried explaining he couldn’t pay maintenance, what would you say to him? Would you still expect it to be paid?

Thank you I agree no amount is ever going to be enough my point is I want him here he won't stay because of what his dad has said to him. I don't expect any sympathy I was just hoping someone might have been in the same situation and could advise me

I said earlier if he was with me full time I wouldn't even ask him for money I just hate he can bribe him to stay full time because he wants money that's all

So your question is more of a contact/residency nature rather than financial?

You can try mediation and court proceedings but at 16 they’ll just ask your son what he wants, and as long as he’s not in any danger they’re not going to force him to live with you.

Do you still see him and speak to him often or is it radio silence from him now that he lives with his dad?

Children are legally allowed to choose from around age 12ish. You can’t force your son to stay overnight or go 50/50 at age 16.

I am sorry that you’re struggling but your only options are to suck it up until dc leaves school or work on reducing costs/earning more until what you have left after increased CM payments is enough.

If you post your outgoings on here then some people might be able to help?

I apologise my break is over and I'm back on shift, thank you for your replies I don't think I have explained myself very well and I apologise if I have upset anyone. I hope you all have a lovely day ❤️

I still see him all the time, he comes for food, for games night and watch films etc he just panics when we ask him to stay over and say he'll get into serious trouble if he does.

Is your son planning to go to uni at 18? I’d be hoping that time away from his dad will help him to
find confidence to be able to express his opinions to his dad.

Sadly I think there is not much you can do in this situation other than perhaps move to a smaller house with one less bedroom as your DS no longer needs one. I’ve recently got divorced and had to get a house with one less bedroom than before, meaning that there’s no bedroom for my DS. It makes me really sad, even though he is living at his gf’s parents’ so doesn’t really need one. It’s the fact that I couldn’t offer him his own room when if he wanted to come back.

Why do you think it would be cheaper to have him at home? His food, extra utilities, clothing, toiletries, transportation, oddball school expenses, etc. I would be shocked if it cost less to have him at home than you are paying via cms.

Ah, this post is starting to make it all make sense. At the beginning I was thinking well if his dad is covering 100% of his costs now instead of 50% then thats likely to be a much higher than a £340 contribution.

but are you saying that you are still paying for most of his food, his clothing, his phone etc but he just sleeps at his dads due to coercive control from his father so that you also have to pay him?

Then I think you need to explain to your son - show him the budget and explain that your priority has to be feeding his brother and that you love to see him and will feed him a basic meal (eg beans on taost) when he is over but you simply cannot afford to buy him clothes/phone etc now that you have to pay his dad. Sixteen is old enough to understand that money doesn't grow on trees.

Hi OP. Can you do overtime? How much is your mortgage?

At 16 CMS would be coming to an end pretty soon.

I forgot to say you can still do a UC calculation online. You have a child in your care so you maybe entitled to something OP.

Your ex the dad has told his son that if he lives with you the mum , that he the boy has to pay the dad rent to cover what he is losing

or have I misunderstood