Feel like I'm trapped in a never ending circle (triggers for mental health/suicide/eating disorders)

[Isanyonereallyanonymous]

Will try to keep this brief but apologies it's likely to be long.

2022 my car was written off in an accident, only worth scrap value so used savings to buy a new (to me) one. Split with long term partner and bought my first house. Typical FTB house and relocated to do this.
2023 my car had numerous issues, spent a lot getting them fixed then part ex'd it for a cheap van. That was a bad buy, spent a lot of money trying to deal with an engine oil leak and other faults (which the garage I bought from told me to do, they never reimbursed me) Finally got them to take van back. Took out a cash withdrawal from a CC to buy a replacement van.
2024. Multiple large vet bills for different animals. They're all insured but some of the problems weren't covered by insurance, the ones that were were still subject to excesses etc. I attempted suicide autumn time because I felt so at my wits end.
2025. Did a big sporting event which was the best thing I've ever done but really could ill afford to do. That's now done so I was looking forward to getting on with clearing my CC and now I've had one vet bill for one animal and another incoming, which is equivalent to 5 months worth of card payments and has taken me back up towards my CC limit.

I am so done.
I have significant mental health issues, (I'm under the care of cmht), amongst which I have an eating disorder so spend about £2-300 a month on binge food ( above and beyond my regular food budget for actual food), this is where I fritter money most. No help on NHS and can't afford private (obviously)
Aside from that I am so careful, I budget both monthly and annually, I earn good money and work 2 jobs (due to start a third next month), I don't have a fancy phone, buy new clothes, drink etc. I do pay for a cleaner once a month and a netflix subscription but Netflix is my self soothe (autistic - big bang theory on repeat is a life saver) and the cleaner does a big clean which helps me because I'm just not managing on my own at the moment, I am trying hard, I also have OCD so letting the house turn into a hovel isn't an option either but the ADHD overwhelm cripples me sometimes.

I'm just broken. Working 45 hours a week (manageable for a lot of people I know) is killing me, every time I think I'm going to be able to make inroads into the debt something else happens and I add to it instead. And, first world problem I know, but I would just love a week away/off, but I know it's not going to happen for the foreseeable.
Today at work they want to know why I won't attend an in person meeting because they won't cover expenses (I usually cover the cost (roughly £200) myself, but at the moment I just can't) and it feels like the final straw.

I'm sorry, it's really long, a massive over share, just please please be gentle, I'm feeling very fragile. Just after any wisdom or support, I know there's some nice people and some people who are good with this stuff here and I don't know what to do any more.

Your employer is being unreasonable in expecting you to pay £200 to travel to a meeting with no reimbursement. Tell them you will travel if reimbursed. I'm surprised other staff are not complaining about it.

You have done well to pay down your credit card and it's just bad luck your pet needs expensive treatment.

Netflix is not expensive so you should keep this.

If you work 2 jobs and are thinking of doing a third how many hours would you be working each week?

Have you tried walking in the fresh air somewhere lovely. There is a lake near to where I live and when I feel a bit overwhelmed I drive to lake because my mobility is not great. Then I walk slowly around the lake stopping to sit on benches on the way around. I take a cup of coffee with me in a cup and sip as I walk. I always feel better afterwards even when once or twice I've been caught out in rain. I breath in and out slowly and feel stresses drift away. Could you walk somewhere lovely?

Hello, I often find myself in a similar position. It feels overwhelming to be facing life’s problems alone & the autism (I have it too) and associated disordered eating & cognitive intrusions don’t help.

Reading through, there is not much SELF LOVE in your post. OP, you need to be your own best friend before you try to solve any of the rest. Be kind to yourself, this is a particularly hard time financially but IT WILL PASS. You know it will, because you have already taken initiative to solve your work problems, and with the same energy, you WILL clear your debts.

I second the poster above. ^ Recommend lots of nurturing activities. Try to distract yourself out of the binges. Reprogramme your thoughts. You could use some of the CBT programmes on apps or ask on the NHS. Why can’t you access this? Could you try BEAT or one of the other eating disorder charities? Keep the cleaner, keep Netflix, they help you soothe and keep calm.

Food issues are so hard to overcome alone, but you are intelligent & could probably reprogramme yourself out of it. I did this with (mild) bulimia, anorexia and alcohol issues. My current problem has been sex and a toxic partner. Rebuild, rewire.

Can you change any of the household costs in the interim? I found my gas & electric were in credit so I drew on that and brought my monthly payments down by £100. It made a massive difference to my life.

You feel broken now. There are many obstacles. But this won’t last forever and your own getting out of things has already shown you what you are capable of.

I know how it feels to feel fragile! Sending a big hug. 🤗 and some 💐. It feels hopeless, but it is not.

Thankyou for listening and not judging.

The work expenses is a tricky one tbh - I work for a large charity, was employed on a hybrid contract but then due to my relationship breaking down had to relocate due to housing affordability, and they allowed me to work remotely.
I ended up moving 3.5 - 5 hours away (depending on traffic. No public transport where I am) which was entirely my choice.
Due to this they added a clause saying that as it's my choice, travel to my usual office can't be expensed.
It's very very rare there's occasions where I have to go into the office, but I usually aim for once every two months to show my face and tie in a visit with friends/family that are that way, it also means I have free accomodation so I don't have to drive there and back in a day and can do a full days work too.

This work trip, the work can be done remotely but it would be vastly more efficient to do it in person and we are on a tight deadline, so I offered to travel in to speed things up if my expenses could be covered.
This is because it's not my usual office so I don't have accomodation options but it's just as far away, so travelling there and back in a day isn't feasible and won't give enough time to do the work that needs to be done.
It also costs me to have the animals looked after when I'm away, though I would never expect to claim that cost back!
Usually I would just cover the cost myself, but at the moment I just don't have the money.
I am genuinely happy not to expense costs, and understand why they're not usually covered but it just made me feel really crappy, and they've made me feel like I've been really unreasonable in asking in the first place (maybe I was 🤷‍♀️ )

The third job is an ad-hoc contractor role, likely to just be a couple of days a month and with expenses covered. My hope would be that it will help with career progression as it's an industry I'd like to move into, and would hopefully allow me to cut down my hours at the second job. (Although, I suspect I'd feel guilty at the chance to earn extra money and just cutting my hours back instead, so who knows, but I know that's not very sustainable)

I love open water swimming, that was a big driver in where I relocated to, and I always feel better for it but haven't gone much lately at all. I should probably try and prioritise it more.

Edit - I have had help from BEAT and tried so hard with the NHS, because my BMI falls in the normal range they won't accept me. I appealed that and had a further review but they can't agree a diagnosis (bulimia but with exercise addiction rather than purging, binge eating disorder and/or ARFID. There is no ARFID team in my area) and when I pushed further for a dietician review, it was one session and not at all tailored to my issues so was unworkable. I know the fundamentals - remove rules from food, eat protein, eat regular meals, stay hydrated this removing the restricting/bingeing cycle, I just struggle to put it into practice.
I really want a pair of jeans that fits, I'm the heaviest I've ever been so nothing fits, it's stupid, I know I'll spend plenty on junk food but I can't bring myself to spend £20-40 on a pair of nice jeans (I'm funny with clothes shopping, I've tried Vinted but stuff doesn't usually fit so then I've wasted money)

I've had a place based one to one support worker for the last year, I've made a ton of progress with them believe it or not 😂
Generally I'm stable, function, hold down my job etc but I think the last set of vet bills just as I felt like I was getting back on my feet has knocked me forever six and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I have gone through bills, checked my tariff for energy supplies, my phone is £9 a month etc.

I hear you, OP, you’ve tried various avenues. Some thoughts. Could you tell work (your support worker) that you need the more occasional home working for now as an accommodation for the mental health problems? (I wanted to use the word disorder but it’s not quite right). That might but you some oxygen time, while you go through this particularly tough time. The meeting feels important to you because you are focusing on it - but chances are they won’t be as emotionally linked to this event.

You really are stable! I was impressed reading through. Have similar problems so I know tiring and wearing how it feels, but you are on the up! It is easy to freeze - meant to add this before re work meeting. It’s easy to freeze in the face of extra stressors, but seriously, a tiny shift in movement will give you the initial spurts. Yeah, I hear you clothes, me too. I had to set myself a rule: sell one, buy one, and shifted a load of things on Vinted to buy some comfy things.

This is a small knock for now. You will climb yourself out, you have a survivor’s brain.

Allow yourself to feel rubbish when big things turn up like vets bills. I felt same over a big car cost recently but then changed the thought process: it eats into my savings but it is a necessary part of me having a stable adult life.

Meant to add - you sound a bit lonely. Don’t isolate yourself. Surround yourself with as much positivity as you can. In ALL domains. Sending more 🌹💐🌺🌷