What do you count as personal spending vs essentials and family spending

[Funsummerfun]

For years now DH and I have just had one joint bank account and all spending comes out of that. As part of a financial overhaul, we're considering going back to having our own accounts for personal spending. I'm thinking about what would count as personal spending and what would come under essential spending and/or family spending and I'm not sure how to split it out.

Some examples:

• Haircuts - I have my hair done twice a year probably but it costs quite a lot more than DHs visits to the barbers, although he tends to go every 4-5 weeks
• Toiletries - DH and DC tend to use the same toiletries, that are bought as part of the weekly shop, but I spend more on my toiletries and make up. How should this be factored in?
• Lunches at work - I WFH, DH is in the office most days and buys lunch. We both need lunch but it's easier for me to feed myself from the weekly shop.
• Activities with kids - Because of the age gap between our DC and different interests, it's common for DH and I to be doing stuff with just one of them at a time. e.g. one of my DC and I follow a football team, but DH and other DC don't. How should tickets be paid for? DH takes DC to most of their sporting activities, this often involves buying drinks and food for both DC and DH, sometimes it's quite a social occasion with a few beers. Are things like this covered from personal spending or joint/family account?

Any examples/suggestions on how to decide what's covered by personal spending and what's not would be very welcome!

Why are you doing it?

What you decide is ultimately personal, but it is quite tricky I think. As you have identified!

Maybe start the other side - what do you want the joint account to cover?

I think buying lunch out everyday is a luxury. He could easily make it at home as DH does or have leftovers.
We both put into our joint account and this covers all bills, holidays, savings, food, clubs for kids, pets, car, kids clothes and basic toiletries.
We pay for haircuts, socialising, food outside the house, out clothes and everything else ourselves.

I am a single parent but have just started accounts with personal spending for me and my son. I just use it for things we don't need. So the more expensive toiletries and the take out lunch would come from personal spending. The home made lunch and the bog standard toiletries wouldn't. I wouldn't count it as personal spending for the adults if you are spending out to support your dc in their hobbies.

We do something similar. Family toiletries come out of joint account; our haircuts come out of personal (mine’s a lot more than DH, but that’s my choice) and kids’ haircuts come out of joint. Eating out, if it’s not us two and/or kids, comes out of personal eg I had lunch with a friend today and that comes out of my account, as does the coffee I’ll pick up on the way to work tomorrow. Lunches during the week also come out of personal; other option is for either of us to add stuff to weekly shop for lunches, which would then come out of joint.

anything that’s a ‘want’ rather than a ‘need’ for us as individuals comes out of personal accounts.

Is it practical for your DH to take lunch in, or is buying it the only practical option? If he can take lunch in but chooses not to, then I think his lunch should be personal spends but if not then joint.

Makeup would usually be personal spends. Toiletries more of a grey area - again, are you choosing to buy more expensive toiletries or are they needed?

Haircuts sound fairly even so I’d just take that from joint money. Anything with the kids I’d also consider joint, even if one parent “benefits” as well.

Basically, I’d see personal spends for individual “nice to haves” - most of your list sounds like joint expenses to me.

The first three I would class as personal expenses. The last would depend. If the activity is mainly for the child, I would class it as a family expense. If it is mainly for the adult but the child likes it too, then I would class it as personal. Beers for the social side would be personal.

Why don't you write down a long list of all the things you can think of, copy it so you have one each, and then you go down your copy and mark which is which, and he does the same with his copy. Compare the two. See where you coincide and where you don't and then talk to each other about a compromise.

Surely the kids are a joint cost no matter who’s doing what with them?
I think all regular costs are joint unless someone has extraordinary expense: my husband had his suits made bespoke for example. I suppose I had facials and things which he didn’t, but that added up to £300/ year? His suits were £1500. He cracked a tooth which required £2500, and he did have a Twickenham debenture which was £1000/year plus tickets on top. Also alimony. He did pay for those out of his account (we had joint plus individual).
And due to the fact I’m a woman probably spent more on personal items like sanitary wear and moisturisers etc but really that is being a bit petty.
My DH earned a lot more than me and of course consequently paid more but it was our money and we discussed big purchases (like a TV).

Personal Spends

Hair cut, clothes, face treatments, non basic toiletries so for example a posh hair mask but not toothpaste.
Socialising with friends.
Solo holiday once a year (although this year my DH paid half of it).
Coffees out.
Taxis.
In your example of the football we’d do probably do half personal spends and half family money for something like that. Or if my DH want to do an expensive meal out then we may both chip in a bit from out of personal spends and pay the rest with family money.

I am not sure about your DH’s lunch.

Neither of us take the mick nor do we mind if a few items sneak into family spend now and then.

We have our finances like this. One joint account but a personal account where we each have an amount for personal spending.

It’s a bit undefined and tbh we’re lucky that it’s not a massive deal which account we use. We never go through it or justify it to each other, there’s no “why did you use the joint account for that??”

But generally speaking, if it can be bought on the weekly online shop, it comes out of the joint spending, just because that’s the account that shop is linked to. Anything for DC also comes out of that.
For your lunch example, your lunch would be joint account as it’s part of the grocery shop, your DH’s would be from his personal account - he could take a packed lunch, so the choice to buy it makes it more a personal spend.
Our personal accounts covers haircuts, socialising, clothes, our own hobbies, presents for each other, and any “extras” (basically non-essentials) we might buy ourselves.

All our money goes into one pot- but financially we are aligned in terms of spend/save.

We discus larger purchases with each other.

2-3x a year we go over a spreadsheet of where our money is at to see if we need to change anything going forward.

It works well for us. Currently I’m the main earner and the past it’s been DH but we’ve never had a yours and mine mentality. Married nearly 30 years.

Most couples would jointly cut back on expenses. So takeaway lunches would go, you’d have to use less expensive toiletries, going out with the kids would be scaled back for both of you.

I think the fact that you need to take it right back to separate fun money suggests that one of you is over-spending and it’s causing friction. I don’t really think you can separate it out without agreeing that family breakfast and dinners, DC lunches and family lunches on weekend and DC toiletries are part of the weekly food shop. You go separately and buy your lunches and nobody touches those. Haircuts only for the children, yours and DHs from your pots. DH buys his own toiletries. For activities with the kids you both agree a scaled back amount per month and when you’ve spent that, you’ve spent it. If you go out with one DC once to their 3 times, then so be it.

Good post.

Me 3100
DP 4100
CB 280
Total 7480

Housing
Mortgage: 1900.
Insurances(life, house): 150
Total Housing: 2050
Utilities
Electricity 150
Waste collection: 30
Broadband & TV: 70
Mobile phones x3: 60
Total Utilities: 310
Food & Groceries
Groceries & household food: 500
Dining out / takeaways: 200
Total Food: 700
Transportation
Fuel: 250
Car insurance & tax: 150
Maintenance & NCT: 100
Public transport / Parking: 20
Total Transport: 520
Education & Kids
School books, uniforms, fees: 50
Activities, sports, clubs: 50
Pocket money/treats: 60
Total Kids & Education: 160
Entertainment & Lifestyle
Family outings, hobbies, gifts: 200
Subscriptions, books, etc.: 60
Miscellaneous expenses (haircuts,nails): 60
Personal spends: 200 x 2 = 400
Total Entertainment: 730
Savings & Miscellaneous
Emergency fund / Savings: 2,000
Holidays (monthly allocation): 500
Clothing: 200
Miscellaneous buffer: 300
Total Savings & Misc.: 3,000
TOTAL MONTHLY SPENDING: €7,480

This is our budget. We get paid into one account and we transfer
2k into savings accounts for us and 2 other accounts for the dc. We save 140 per child per month.
500 into holiday account
200 into out personal accounts

personal is for random coffees, lunch out with friends. Our clothing. Gifts for friends etc. Some months I spend all of it and others not much.

everything else comes out of the joint account and I monitor everything to be honest, not in a crazy way. I know what we spend on things.

Any big expenses come out of savings.

I will also add that we both have our own separate savings from before we were together. I have about 60k and dp has about 80k. So if we want anything big just for ourselves…like a new phone or something. Then we just buy it.

When our joint account buffer gets to a certain number we split the money and pop it into our personal accounts.

Adult haircuts - personal
Child haircuts - joint
Adult clothes - personal
Child clothes - joint
Adult activities/hobbies/socialising - personal, but if both adults are out together for a social occasion or date it can be joint
Child activities/hobbies - joint
Basic toiletries for household - joint, even if an adult uses them
"Special" toiletries - personal

Medical / dentists - joint, unless it is just cosmetic, in which case personal

Phones and cars - could be either. I suggest personal if one person likes the latest/flashiest model and the other is happy with an old version.

Music and IT equipment - joint if for household e.g. the children also use it, or it is set up in the living room for anyone. Personal otherwise.

Lunches/meals out - personal, unless unavoidable during a child activity, or an adult 'date' or a family day out with both adults
Food for packed lunches - joint

e.g. if DH takes DS to football, tickets/fees and a supermarket meal-deal lunch or otherwise a very light/cheap lunch is joint (especially if DS would be embarrassed if he was the only child with a packed lunch), but no piss-taking like getting a full 2 or 3 course pub meal.
DH beers definitely personal.

Wow - thanks for all the responses. Lots of very helpful things to consider. I think it shows how it's not that easy to define.

@WhereIsMyLight - you are kind of right about one person overspending and causing friction - but not quite! There isn't really any friction but I think we both think the other one spends money 'unnecessarily' - even though I suspect it's broadly equal (e.g. DH buying lunch at work, me buying more expensive toiletries).

I think DH thinks he doesn't really spend any money, but actually he's much more social than me so will spend £100 on a night out, but I would almost never, if ever, do that. I would however buy more clothes for example. He wears a uniform for work, so doesn't really factor in that the clothes he wears 60% of the time are paid for by someone else. He also thinks I spend more, but he has no involvement/awareness of things the DC need e.g. shoes, clothes etc.

Ok so in that scenario, I would agree a budget for children’s clothes/shoes (unless an emergency happens and then you both equally contribute). It might be that you need to do more shopping on Vinted and he has to accept the cost of things.

Joint - all family meals in the house, children’s toiletries, children’s clothes, children’s lessons (swimming, music etc). You both set an amount for how much activities with the kids will be and you share that amount 50/50. Put that amount +£50 in the joint bill account. Agree how much fun money you will have each to be in your own separate account, make it the same amount. The remainder into savings.

From your own accounts comes haircuts, toiletries, lunches, nights out, social lives, exercises classes, clothes. If you’re paying for a TV subscription because one person only watches that, that comes from their account e.g. if only DH watches football and you have a sports channel, he pays the upgrade but if you’re paying for Disney+ to watch a show and it’s just you, you pay.

I would then review after 3 months and then again after 6 months. This will allow for seasonal variations in wardrobes and your haircuts to catch up to his. If by the end of the 6 months one of you has a pot of money and one doesn’t - that’s the spender. If you both think you overspend, you’ll both likely have very little to nothing in your own spending accounts but you will have joint savings being built. Hopefully you’ll both realise you overspend a bit and to cut back you would both have to make cutbacks so you would cut back on clothes and makeup and he would cut back on takeaway lunch. Maybe you’ll keep the separate pots but realise you’re both spending in your limit and on your own priorities.

Personal spends for us:

• any and all hobbies
• gifts for anyone except our children, niblings and parents
• makeup, fancy hair stuff
• clothes
• meals or coffees or drinks out with friends (your DH lunches at work would come under this)
• phone handsets

Everything else is joint, including haircuts, but I don't get mine cut professionally anyway. Anything we do with the kids is a joint spend as are meals out together. Standard toiletries are joint and we mostly use the same stuff anyway. We have SIM free phones and the contracts are paid for from the joint account. Any big spends we discuss but we are both pretty frugal and only buy things we need.

The amount we have for personal spends has varied, at one point it was £30 a month, now we have more spare money it's £75.

• Haircuts - personal spends
• Toiletries - basics like toothpaste, shower gel, deodorant - grocery shop. Anything else - personal spends
• Coffee / lunches at work - personal spends. DH spends at least £5/day on coffee at work and at least the same on lunch. His choice therefore his spends.
• Activities with kids - If it's your choice to go, what to eat/drink (rather than a regular activity the DC do) then personal spends. The grocery bill might creep up if juice/snacks get added to the trolley but still cheaper than what you are likely to be paying now. If you are all out together - joint spends but prior agreement on picnic v food truck.
• Football season ticket for DC - joint spend - eg Xmas/Bday present.

Good to see that most people are broadly in agreement.

Have you looked at your actual spending? If you download a year's worth of transactions (or look at spending insights type information in your bank accounts/credit cards) you'll be able to see what is spent where and how it adds up.

Then you can categorise it and see if there are any inequalities or areas to cut down if you want to split personal spending more fairly or free up money for other things.

I agree with everyone else.

Needs from joint: basic toiletries, things for dc including activities, shared food. These are basics.

Wants from individual: more expensive toiletries, haircuts for adults, his lunches for work and alcohol at events. These are personal choices, you want nicer toiletries, you choose more expensive haircuts, he chooses to take lunch etc.

That way if you are ever struggling the wants are the first thing to cut back on and you stick with the needs. If you’re still struggling review the need list by cutting down on activities and food/ toiletries.

He also thinks I spend more, but he has no involvement/awareness of things the DC need e.g. shoes, clothes etc

One of the most important things the system of 'personal pots' does is separate spending on yourself from spending on the DC.
Both you and DH need to see this - the transparency is important, and it will show him how expensive DC are and how little you actually spend on luxuries for yourself.