Thoughts please

[Anonymous1066]

A long story that I'll try and keep short! My husband has built up a portfolio of 5 rental properties to bring us an income in. Our intention was always to retire to Spain but we have done our sums and realised that we can just about afford to live off the rental income in Spain as it's a lower cost of living and we can retire now. We have therefore sold up in the UK and bought a property in Spain and are currently waiting for our visas so we can move there.

I have a 24 year old daughter who has a relatively good salary and rents her own apartment. This takes up quite a bit of her salary and, whilst I was working, I have helped her out financially as much as I possibly can, I probably gave her about £400 per month on train passes, helping with rent and bits and bobs when she needs it.

My daughter is terrible with money and lives a lifestyle that she can't afford, i.e. going to to be best restaurants, weekends away in London, gigs and festivals and buying expensive clothes and trainers. Her dad (who I separated from many years ago) also gives her a lot of money (more than me as he earns more) and has bailed her out of her overdraft several times (thousands of pounds).

My issue is that my husband is saying that, now we aren't working, I can't continue to give her all this money and it's not fair to ask us to pay from our joint income. We can just about afford £75 per month to give to her.

My daughter is very upset, says I'm selfish and is refusing to speak to me. I've suggested that she could shop at cheaper supermarkets and not buy all branded products and that would probably cover the shortfall (she spends a fortune). She is more than happy that we are moving to Spain as she can come out regularly for weekends and holidays so that isn't the issue.

I am mixed between feeling horrendously guilty and the fact that she is 24 and needs to live according to her means.

Would be really interested to hear thoughts of anybody that has been in this situation.

Hopefully this will be time for your daughter to have a good life lesson. You sound like a lovely supportive parent but it's time for your daughter to learn financial independence. So also cut the £75pm. Nice prezzy for Christmas/birthday and maybe the odd flight out to Spain once a year.

You and she have to cut your cloth according to what you have. You cannot afford to give her money as you’re now retired and you don’t have the income that you did. It’s facts and she has to accept that.

You're not selfish, but she'll not learn the value of money unless she goes through the discomfort of not having it so easily. Being cruel to be kind, perhaps.

Your not selfish OP but your daughter is acting like a spoilt brat. Live your life in Spain, she will be fine without being bank rolled my mum and dad.

Short term pain, long term gain.

£400 a month. You have been more than generous. Even giving £75 a month is very generous.

Unfortunately, by giving her this money, you have enabled her to live the high life, and she’s not learnt the value of money. That needs to change.

Shes 24. Is she making any plans to save for a place herself? Live within her means etc?

Don’t feel guilty. Tine for her to grow up and become responsible.

If she earns a 'relatively good salary' then she can afford to live and needs to learn to live within her means without the Bank of Mum, at least. Her DF can choose whether or not he continues to give her money.

Sounds like she'll always spend whatever money comes her way so don't put yourself at risk of not being able to afford essentials so she can piss your money away on the high life.

Both you and her dad have enabled your daughter to be become an ungrateful leech.
If you turn off the tap she'll resent you, even more if her dad continues to cough up and you don't, but that's because she is selfish and immature for her age.
You have all created a fucking mess, you need to stop paying her a penny more and then deal with the consequences.

Well on the face of it your daughter sounds spoilt, but I wonder if you worded it the same way to her that you did in the OP, "my husband says...?" Maybe a bit of step dad resentment going on here? If you can't afford to subsidise her any more then that's fine, but you need to own it, not put it on your husband.

She’s a grown woman. You are teaching her nothing by bailing her out.
You think that you are helping by covering her financially when actually she needs to learn how to live within her means or progress to earn more in order to pay her way.

Your daughter’s reaction shows that she has some growing up still to do. Stopping the money sounds needed to be honest, regardless of affordability. In time, hopefully she will see how generous you have been and adjust to her new financial position. It will be painful for her temporarily, as it would be to many who dropped £400 in ‘income’, but she will adapt.

Of course your DD isn’t happy, who wouldn’t be, but she needs to know that as you are no longer working, you cannot continue sending £400 each month.