Bank statements - invasion of privacy?

[Thiscouldberotterdam]

I manage the daily spending in relationship as DH is openly not great with money. We're looking at increasing saving for a house move - both in agreement and discussed together.

We have our own bank accounts separately plus a joint account which majority of bills come out. Phone bills and credit card come out of our own accounts and car insurance comes out of mine - DH doesn't drive so I don't see the car as a joint responsibility. He walks and uses public transport for work.

Both wages get paid in joint. He moves £650 to his from his wage presumably to cover his credit card and phone bill and whatever else he fancies. All food shopping etc is paid from joint.

Recently he's been moving roughly £70pw for bus travel and other bits and then £150 yesterday which he said was for the phone bill plus travel. I've been concerned about his spending and feel a bit put out that im cutting back to increase savings and he's not. I suggested 1month ago we sit down and do a proper budget and go through all our bank statements together to look at where we are spending money and if we can make changes. We're not high earners by any means but should be able to save and get through the month relatively comfortably which is not the case recently. DH was non committal about this so I asked again yesterday if we could do a budget and look at our finances. He's got really annoyed with me and is now not talking to me. Is it an invasion of privacy to ask? Have I over stepped here?

If it's relevant married a long time, 4 DC and no concerns before this.

If you’ve previously discussed saving and buying a new house, but he is now siphoning more funds away from the joint account than usual then no, not an invasion of privacy at all.
Something is obviously going on that he is wanting to hide, Has he been a gambler in the past or something?

No gambling that I've been aware of. He's never been great with money but this is a whole new level. I considered debts that's he might be hiding but not sure what signs I'd be looking out for if I'm honest. There's no increase of 'stuff' so dont think he's been on a spending spree

If you're trying to save and aren't on huge wages, £650 is already a very generous budget for personal spending but quite easily spent on not very much if you're that way inclined.

Phones shouldn't cost much at all, under £10 pm for the service so anything extra is because you have the luxury of a high end phone regularly replaced. Likewise bus fares, if you use the bus, you'd have a pass, so a capped amount.

Could it be that he spends daily on coffee, lunches, pint after work etc and it adds up and takes all his money? Those sorts of things have increased hugely in cost over the last couple of years and while it might only be a few quid a day, if you do it every day it could well be hundreds of pounds a month or thousands of pounds a year. Which is a real barrier to saving for big expenses and general financial stability.

On the privacy issue, it's fine to not disclose details of personal spending but that has to come with sticking to the budgeted amount and not taking extra money from the joint account or running up debts.

Can you get him to at least go through the joint budget together so he can see where all your money goes in terms of mortgage, bills, food, DC costs, annual and irregular expenses, emergency fund and new house and other big purchase savings, all of which are a higher priority than personal spending money for adults?

He's already in a good position, as a parent of 4 DC still having £650 pm for minimal essential costs and his own wants, despite you not being high earners but seemingly can't manage on a generous personal budget.

But on the matter of the car, you say you don't consider it part of his costs but if any of its use benefits him or his DC, so grocery shopping, school runs, DC clubs etc, then it's partly a joint cost. You'd likely be better off paying all family car costs and his work bus pass from joint money then perhaps you buy some fuel from your own money to cover any trips that are solely for your benefit, travel to work being a family cost not a personal cost imo.

Personally, I'd be so annoyed with DH picking over everything I buy and he would be vice versa. Hence we have a joint account for bills and food and our own accounts for discretionary spending. Our salaries go into our own accounts, with a standing order to the joint account. If we want to save jointly we agree an amount and pay that into the linked savings account, from our own account.

It seems to me you are doing things arse about face, and picking through discretionary spending items is never going to go well. Pay your salaries into your own accounts. Agree what are items of shared expenditure and how much you each need to pay into the joint account to cover this each month. Agree an amount to jointly save, pay that into an account, whatever you have left is your own to do as you please with.

@spoonbillstretford this may be the way forward. It would at least avoid further friction as then the money in the joint would be just outgoings. Thank you!

There's nothing wrong with the way the OP is doing it. The effect is the same either way (ensuring essential bills are paid, agreed budget, equal personal money and autonomy/privacy) and it's probably better to have salaries paid into a joint account that funds agreed joint expenses and is not otherwise touched, with personal spending money sent to separate accounts, rather than the other way around.

Because if you switch it around, be prepared for him to 'forget' to set up a SO and for him to be short of the agreed amount, because he gets his salary and you're relying on him sending what is left after he's met his own spending, credit card payments etc, which experience shows, he's unwilling or unable to stick to the budgeted amount.