Should I adjust the shares of our house?

[Bickytoria]

When me and my (now) husband bought our house 4 years ago, I paid the deposit, so I ended up with a greater share of the house- 54%. His larger salary allowed us a larger mortgage though.

He always said he wanted to ‘buy’ his way to 50% over time by paying for and doing renovation work, and we agreed this based on half the value of the deposit at the time (£30k), provided he carry out the work within a couple of years.

He has kept very poor records of his expenditure, so it is a finger in the air to determine how much he had spent. He says however he believes he has now reached £30k, although he is including the costs of his LABOUR.

I am not keen to adjust the shares yet, mostly because the work is not finished. If we were to put the house up for sale now, I am not sure it would have added value, in fact it might be worth less because of the state of the outside.

I am also not sure I want to include his labour costs. He insists, because he ‘paid’ for my labour whilst I was on maternity leave by paying for my expenses.

Lastly, he wants to CONTINUALLY update the shares of our house over the years, as he (probably) will contribute more.

I am interested in people’s opinions about the three above points:

1. updating house shares before the work is finished and based on financial input only

2. counting labour costs as well as expenditure, and

3. the prospective of continually updating house shares over the years.

Some background knowledge- he earns triple my salary and we have been married for two years, together for 8.

Is everything in your marriage this transactional? Or are you about to split up?

It’s impossible for me to fathom dividing things up in this manner with a spouse. But you are, I guess I don’t see why you wouldn’t do it on the basis of inputs and include labour.

not done this before so I hope this is a reply to the right message.

Yes, it is mostly all quite transactional like this, by his design. He is currently talking with his therapist though about his lack of trust of women which definitely contributes to this protectionist way of being (ironically damaging). I have threatened separation but this financial arrangement has always been like this and is unrelated (although contributes towards my unhappiness).

Thank you

You’re married. This is bonkers. Cross this bridge if you get divorced.

Thank you. Yes I agree it is bonkers.

If he's continually adding up does that mean he'll eventually own more then you ? If so id say 50-50 is the max & he needs to finish the work before you change over

Ah. You have a score keeper.

For clarity I am not legally qualified so this isn’t legal advice but it sounds as if you bought the house as tenants in common if you have separate shares? Did you do a pre-nup when you married? Even if you did, because you now have a child, I imagine the courts would just see the house a part of the marital assets if you divorce and the ‘shares’ in it would be irrelevant in determining how those assets were divided.

the only other time the ‘shares’might come into play is when either of you die if you have wills that leave the property to someone other than the spouse.

That, I think, is the legal situation. On the other hand, emotionally and ethically he is behaving horribly. If he’s not prepared to tackle his obviously deep insecurities and inability to love selflessly and be a proper partner with you then he is not worth staying with - for you or your child and the ‘house share’ issue is put to one side as you work out a divorce settlement

He believes you started the precedent by ring fencing your deposit and his reasoning is that you can’t now want that precedent to change because the financial clout is now in his favour. On paper his request is reasonable to him and his therapist based on the precedent you set.

My marriage has never been transactional like this. We have always been a team facing the financial ups and downs together. DH came to the marriage with more but we have both worked hard and reached financial goals together allowing us both to retire in our 50’s.

Some of my friends had arrangements like yours and on days out they would have conversations about who has paid for what and that their spouse should transfer x amount for the coffee etc etc. It was so weird and I would have found it humiliating. Needless to say they are getting divorced now their DC have grown up.

I think this is the start of your marriage declining and you should start to think about how you will navigate life on your own. Why do you want to stay in this marriage now knowing he is always going to keep score?

I can understand you splitting the share of the house like that when you bought it and weren’t married. But it’s 54% not 80/20, you’re now married, he earns a lot more, you have a child together, it’s bonkers to me that he has to prove he’s spent £30k!

Just make it 50/50, it’s your marital home.

How are your other finances managed, presumably you keep those separate too? How are bills paid, hopefully not 50/50 given he earns a lot more and you presumably now have a large childcare bill in the mix? We always split bills so we had similar disposable income left, but didn’t argue about who paid what on days out, worked for us.

I cannot imagine a situation where I'd have been making a point about a four percent difference in the ownership of our house in the first place.
I'm not surprised that based on this your husband is now suggesting the tables are turned.
How about both of you recognising that a marriage is a partnership, and just go 50/50 without adding up what you have done and what he has done to justify it. TBH the pair of you sound like you need marriage guidance.

Do you want to stay married long term?

You dont have a partnership and when children arrive this is going to get really fucked up... as you have seen it will only escalate

To answer your specific question.....no I wouldnt - he wants it Transactional fine. He needs to keep the receipts he hasn't. And labour is excluded or correctly documented and charged at a fare rate. And he buys in at current market value not purchase price (ie if deposit was 40k and you stumped up 100% he cant add an extra £20k in work 8 yrs later and say hes paid 50% deposit and wants 50% ownership thats not how businesses work. he wants a Transactional business relationship - I'd give him one.

I’d say 50/50 when house is finished and thst is to be end of it.

This is madness. You are married and it is supposed to be a partnership, legally everything is owned jointly and severally, not in specific shares.

I don’t think this relationship will last. You’re not working together.

Well. Apart from everything else, he can't 'bill' you for his labour while you were pregnant and on maternity. You were doing 'his' share of building and caring for a baby and taking the career hit on his behalf.

Honestly, if you/he can't get away from this way of thinking then the relationship is doomed long term.

It may have made sense to have a split in finances pre-children, but as the financially weaker partner it's probably in your best interest to act together now anyway.

On divorce, if you are seen as not having combined finances, this could disadvantage you getting your fair share. You might end up with just your 54% of the house and nothing else when you could be due more, plus pension contributions etc.

Tbh if he is this worried about his assets then I don't know why he got married!?

Errrr who created the score table and divide in the first place! He’s been told he can earn more of a share in the house - but only if he does it fast.

what the actual bat shit fuckery is this - he then married her and she is questioning if she’s going to allow him 50/50.

FML

If he wants to include the cost of his labour in this context will you be including the cost of your labour if you have children? Are you counting your hourly rate for the domestic labour of it’s not genuinely 50/50? What will your hourly rate be if you get pregnant? Breastfeed? Etc etc. Start playing his game OP and see how he likes it.

I don't know what everyone else is reading but you started this nonsense over a very petty 4% when you had the upperhand. But now he wants to review using the same terms that you implemented, so he's not at an unfair disadvantage you've an issue with it. You're as bad as each other.

The whole thing seems ridiculous, you should be a partnership, instead you are worrying about 4% and he's faffing with billing for maternity expenses etc. I think you need a reset to 50/50.

Oh dear God, what a way to live.

What was the point of getting married?

I think you need couples therapy to try to unpick this. It’s all very weird as others have said over 4%.

when my partner and I bought I protected my deposit because I put in 4 times what he did and I knew I did t (and still don’t) want to get married. But sure the whole point of marriage is that you’re one legal entity with one set of finances. If you both signed up for that willingly then the rest is madness.

How do you buy things for the kids? Do you need to keep receipts and claim it back from him?

Yes it does mean this. This seems unfair though considering I currently have a greater share than him. Therein lies my dilemma.

Thank you for your reply. Yes you are right, we are tenants in common. He wanted to do a pre nup but I refused. I agree he has insecurity issues. Hopefully the therapy will help with that- he has said he is 100% committed to that.

All very reasonable points, thank you. Although to clarify, it was his idea to initially give me the greater share. I was happy to go 50/50 even with my deposit. I have continued to say I would be happy to go 50/50 if it meant we could stop counting score like this, but sadly it falls on deaf ears. Our marriage is indeed declining but we are having couples therapy, so I am trying to keep an open mind!