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Original poster

How do I navigate moving out without hurting my wonderful mum?

40 replies

LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 08:50

This is breaking my heart, but I need advice. Seven years ago, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant while living away. My mum was in a financially abusive relationship and couldn’t afford to leave. I moved in with her, and we later bought a bigger, nicer home together. She gifted me £120,000 of equity, and the mortgage is in my name.

Fast forward—I met my DH, we’ve all lived happily together, but we’re TCC and he needs a WFH setup. I’m mid-30s now and feel huge guilt about not moving out sooner. We love my mum dearly—she’s amazing, supportive, and great company—but we crave our own space.

She’s now talking about retirement, and I’ve been avoiding tough conversations. How do I broach this without hurting her? How can we protect her financially? Is it legally possible to return the £120,000 for her to get a place of her own?

I’m terrified this could fracture our relationship. Has anyone been in a similar position?

OP posts:
Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 08:54

Of course there’s a way to give her £120k

when you sell the property

Younginside · 07/06/2025 08:58

As you have such a good relationship with your mum would it be possible to find a property with a separate granny flat for her? Given you're running out of space and need to upsize, something like this might work for everyone (assuming you could still afford it by clubbing together)

lljkk · 07/06/2025 08:58

With honesty & love OP. x

Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 08:59

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 08:54

Of course there’s a way to give her £120k

when you sell the property

Edited

I more meant would they be any repercussions for swapping a large amount between us. Where would we need legal services involved? Can I literally just transfer it to her?

OP posts:
PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 07/06/2025 08:59

It’s perfectly legal for you to give her however much money you want. If you give her the £120k back will she have sufficient to buy somewhere and live on her own?

lostinthesunshine · 07/06/2025 08:59

Given this is in Money Matters, I’m assuming the question is primarily about how you can give her the £120k.

I think the only complexity would be potential for inheritance tax if you were to die within 7 years, but I assume that’s unlikely. There may be some kind of exemption possible on the basis that you were simply returning what she had given you, but you’d need specialist advice on that.

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 09:00

LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 08:59

I more meant would they be any repercussions for swapping a large amount between us. Where would we need legal services involved? Can I literally just transfer it to her?

Show quote history

no issue at all

if she’s on benefits though… yes

TheCurious0range · 07/06/2025 09:00

You need to give her more than £120k you need to give her the increase in value of her share of your joint home.

Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:03

lostinthesunshine · 07/06/2025 08:59

Given this is in Money Matters, I’m assuming the question is primarily about how you can give her the £120k.

I think the only complexity would be potential for inheritance tax if you were to die within 7 years, but I assume that’s unlikely. There may be some kind of exemption possible on the basis that you were simply returning what she had given you, but you’d need specialist advice on that.

She wouldn’t be able to be a property outright on that.

Would she be able to get help to buy home? I could help pay towards a mortgage and my sis would as well but would we get tangled up with owning a second property?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:07

TheCurious0range · 07/06/2025 09:00

You need to give her more than £120k you need to give her the increase in value of her share of your joint home.

Of course! All I want is for her to be secure and happy!

OP posts:
Righttherights · 07/06/2025 09:09

How old is your mum? You said she was about to retire? Does she have a good pension?
You moved in with her and she owned her house ? If you had bought the bigger house together legally, how much would her contribution be in total? How much was the house you bought together?
Sounds like you need to give her what is rightfully hers when you sell the house you share- gifted or not.

She could potentially get a shared equity house or flat as my 70yo DM has for 120 k, but ethically she deserves more based on her contribution.

Difficult situation but I think you just have to say you have your own family and husband and need your own space and home and what her share of the house will be . Doesn’t change how you feel about her. Hopefully she will understand.

Wreckinball · 07/06/2025 09:10

Agree with other poster, her £120k is much more than that to pay back now otherwise you’ll look and sound like you’ve taken advantage of her

Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:15

Wreckinball · 07/06/2025 09:10

Agree with other poster, her £120k is much more than that to pay back now otherwise you’ll look and sound like you’ve taken advantage of her

I would never take advantage of her- I do wish I had put in my OP about giving her money from the sale of the current house as well as I would believe it is her money and secondly I would never do anything to hurt her/ put her in a worse situation. She is a wonderful person and I mean it when I say I only want her to be happy and secure.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 07/06/2025 09:16

If she gave you £120k, then she also needs a cut of how much your house price has risen. It’s unfair for her to help you but you get the extra money from the house sale depending on what the house is now worth.

Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:19

Righttherights · 07/06/2025 09:09

How old is your mum? You said she was about to retire? Does she have a good pension?
You moved in with her and she owned her house ? If you had bought the bigger house together legally, how much would her contribution be in total? How much was the house you bought together?
Sounds like you need to give her what is rightfully hers when you sell the house you share- gifted or not.

She could potentially get a shared equity house or flat as my 70yo DM has for 120 k, but ethically she deserves more based on her contribution.

Difficult situation but I think you just have to say you have your own family and husband and need your own space and home and what her share of the house will be . Doesn’t change how you feel about her. Hopefully she will understand.

She’s 64. 65 in November.
I believe she has a small pension but cashed a couple of big ones early for various things after her husband left. She has never been in a position to save money unfortunately.
She met with him yesterday and there was mention of £50,000 from the sale of his recently deceased mother’s bungalow but she would have to agree to no longer be executor on her ex-MIL’s home (we only found out about this yesterday) so I’ve said we need to seek legal advice because he is the type to say that and then never pay her.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:20

londongirl12 · 07/06/2025 09:16

If she gave you £120k, then she also needs a cut of how much your house price has risen. It’s unfair for her to help you but you get the extra money from the house sale depending on what the house is now worth.

Of course- like I said I wish I had put that in the OP!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:21

House was £330,000 we are in a fairly cheap part of the country. 4 beds, 2 en-suites and family bathroom.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 07/06/2025 09:27

LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:19

She’s 64. 65 in November.
I believe she has a small pension but cashed a couple of big ones early for various things after her husband left. She has never been in a position to save money unfortunately.
She met with him yesterday and there was mention of £50,000 from the sale of his recently deceased mother’s bungalow but she would have to agree to no longer be executor on her ex-MIL’s home (we only found out about this yesterday) so I’ve said we need to seek legal advice because he is the type to say that and then never pay her.

Show quote history

Seeing this, you definitely need advice, if she’s an Executor in her late MIL’s estate, sounds like her ex husband is trying to avoid her seeing what’s in the Will/Estate. Is she even divorced from him, she may be entitled to more from him if she hasn’t divorced him yet, as it sounds like the offer of £50,000 is to get her to agree to accepting, she needs to see the Will before she does anything, just to see what her Ex is getting.

Turmerictolly · 07/06/2025 09:27

How much is still outstanding on the mortgage? Can you leave her in the property and ‘sell’ the property to her and then buy a place of your own using your salaries?

If you ask her to leave and she can’t afford a property outright then she’ll be homeless or renting surely. You can’t expect her to rent (with all of the insecurity that brings) and use the savings up when once she owned a home so you need to find a solution that ensures she can either stay in the property or she can be fully rehoused without penalty.

The only other option would be that she applies to the local Council to be rehoused in an older oersons property. They might look into her home ownership status and you might have to give her notice if she’s no longer the home owner.

Morally, you have a responsibility to help your mum and hopefully you’re not being pressured by your partner to ask her to leave.

Harassedevictee · 07/06/2025 09:28

@LittleCosette it can be hard to write an op that covers everything and some posters get focused on other factors rather than the actual question. Your question is about giving the money back rather than the amount and you want to be fair to your Mum.

As your Mum invested in your joint property it is likely she has a beneficial interest. Giving her money back when she moves out is reasonable and will not incur any taxes. pp pointed out the risk is potential IHT but in this case that shouldn’t apply because you are returning money to your Mum not just gifting her money.

All you need to do is document the original investment of £120k from your Mum and the amount returned. As the money was invested in a home your Mum lived in as her main residence CGT is not due.

You want your Mum to have her own home, that is where to start as this will give you the figure she needs to buy. Find her a home and then work out how to pay for it.

FortyElephants · 07/06/2025 09:28

Surely it makes no sense to send money back up to your mum. Can you buy a property for her to live in and she pay you the monthly mortgage payments? Could you manage that as well as getting a mortgage for your own property?

Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:35

Turmerictolly · 07/06/2025 09:27

How much is still outstanding on the mortgage? Can you leave her in the property and ‘sell’ the property to her and then buy a place of your own using your salaries?

If you ask her to leave and she can’t afford a property outright then she’ll be homeless or renting surely. You can’t expect her to rent (with all of the insecurity that brings) and use the savings up when once she owned a home so you need to find a solution that ensures she can either stay in the property or she can be fully rehoused without penalty.

The only other option would be that she applies to the local Council to be rehoused in an older oersons property. They might look into her home ownership status and you might have to give her notice if she’s no longer the home owner.

Morally, you have a responsibility to help your mum and hopefully you’re not being pressured by your partner to ask her to leave.

I’m not being pressured at all.
I would never put her in a position where she is facing homelessness or renting as I agree that would be very unfair after all she has given us.
There is £200k left on the mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:38

FortyElephants · 07/06/2025 09:28

Surely it makes no sense to send money back up to your mum. Can you buy a property for her to live in and she pay you the monthly mortgage payments? Could you manage that as well as getting a mortgage for your own property?

That’s what I thought but my husband thinks that will leave us with a high tax bill.
Realistically if we don’t get pregnant we had £65k for a deposit and we have a household income of just over £100k. We live in a pretty cheap area compared to to most parts of the country.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:42

Harassedevictee · 07/06/2025 09:28

@LittleCosette it can be hard to write an op that covers everything and some posters get focused on other factors rather than the actual question. Your question is about giving the money back rather than the amount and you want to be fair to your Mum.

As your Mum invested in your joint property it is likely she has a beneficial interest. Giving her money back when she moves out is reasonable and will not incur any taxes. pp pointed out the risk is potential IHT but in this case that shouldn’t apply because you are returning money to your Mum not just gifting her money.

All you need to do is document the original investment of £120k from your Mum and the amount returned. As the money was invested in a home your Mum lived in as her main residence CGT is not due.

You want your Mum to have her own home, that is where to start as this will give you the figure she needs to buy. Find her a home and then work out how to pay for it.

Thank you- that’s really helpful. I love my mum and only want what’s best for her. Equally, I also want to be in my own home with my husband and DD. I do not wish to hurt or short change anyone.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 07/06/2025 09:44

LittleCosette · 07/06/2025 09:38

That’s what I thought but my husband thinks that will leave us with a high tax bill.
Realistically if we don’t get pregnant we had £65k for a deposit and we have a household income of just over £100k. We live in a pretty cheap area compared to to most parts of the country.

Show quote history

The bill will be higher if your mum needs care and has to sell the house she bought to pay for it! Also can she get a mortgage? My parents bought a house in their 60s and had to get a special 10 year loan. Is it affordable?

How much equity is in the house in total? Also if you like living with your mum have you considered looking for a house with a granny annexe?