Money from estranged family members.

[Nailsea]

Two children.

one child

1. when they were 10 years old, grandparents (quite controlling but in contact at the time) wanted their account details and said they would pay in £10 a month and £15 when they were 12 years old and ) £20 a month when they were 14 years old and so on….and this is what they had done for all grandchildren and would always do
2. grandparents after some very shitty behaviour stopped contact when they were 14 years old (younger sibling was 7)
3. Eldest is now 18 and only recently remember about this being paid into building society
4. the last entry was when they were 10 and yes monthly amounts going in at £10
5. we only found the book today so will ring them tomorrow - building society no longer exists now taken over by Yorkshire - no idea if money is still being paid in or not or if it has been for the last 8 years or not. We have moved so we need to find out if the account still exists or not
6. there could be a sizeable chunk of money in there £20 a month for 12 months £240 so 4 years nearly £1000 or they may have stopped payments
7. teenager only reminded me as we were discussed they CTF invested £250 (government money) back in 2007 now worth about £500 and what to do with it? Teenager has asked us to invest it in an ISA or something for post university (6 years from now) and said they don’t need it whilst at university
8. I Asked them if they wanted me to contact grandparents etc and stop payments and they were absolutely not - they pay for all the other grandchildren. They haven’t spoken to me for 4 years, they hurt me and haven’t said sorry - it’s the least they can do (they are millionaires to be fair) and I’m not spending it -

second one
1 grandparents never given them a penny or asked for their account details and never got the £250 child trust fund either and is now 11.

Eldest then pointed out grandparents hadn’t asked for younger siblings account details and said ….. that’s not fair if they have been paying into my building society account all this time …. Can you please give half to my younger sibling and split any standing orders 50/50 between us. I said this wasn’t fair as they had been gifted the money.

eldest doesn’t want grandparents to be contacted at all

first point of call is too see how much there is I guess. My husband and I said we wouldn’t halve it - but depending on how much there is, we would give younger sibling the same and pay in the same to their account so it’s fair. (We can afford to do this) and we can also add in the same amount of the ctf that is maturing for them? That younger one didn’t get?

are we missing something - is this fair?

It might all be a moot point as they might have stopped their standing orders years ago!!!

I think your eldest child is absolutely right if there is no money for the youngest ( and same grandparents) if dc is willing to share it ( you’ve raised the them well) that should be the best option ( with a proviso that if money does appear for dc2 - unlikely but a possibility, they share that equally too as well)

Whilst your eldest has a commendable attitude I'd be saying they could keep it and give to youngest from your own pockets

It’s eldest DCs money. They are an adult. They want to share it equally with younger sibling who got nothing.

Why would you disagree?

Maybe the eldest wants to share it to equalise it as it’s younger sibling’s grandparents as well and they didn’t treat them fairly.

I wouldn’t have accepted this while in contact with family TBF.

The child trust fund money is fair.

I can’t see how they could have given DC2 any money as they never asked for their bank details when they were 10. If they have I’m sure we can even things back up so they both have the same.

Granparents are 85 and 80 and still alive

seems a bit unfair as eldest pointed out that they get ctf of £500 when youngest gets nothing. And they said (straight off no hesitation) give my younger sibling half of everything I’m happy with that. It’s money up until a few weeks ago that she wasn’t expected and just said ‘invest it for me’ I don’t need to it for uni. She has saved for uni to be fair.

She is very fair with younger sibling. Our wills make everything 50/50 between them. We just try to be upfront and open and honest with them about money etc and what we have.

To give her credit her lack of selfishness does her credit.

We aren’t disagreeing and don’t want this to be stressful. If we give younger sibling the same - eldest hasn’t shared - they have got what they were given but we’ve evened it up fairly.

If we halve it we are taking her money away and giving it to sibling (her choice and she’s nearly 18) and she can do this, or we leave it and stick it in an ISA for her and do the same for her sibling of the same amount.

The granparents are full grandparents for each sibling by the way - not step siblings or anything

I would do the same as you. It's lovely that your eldest is happy to share the money, but if you can afford to even it up without taking anything from her that would be best all round.
Mine are similar ages, 1 has a ctf, 1 doesn't, and I will give my second an equal amount as my eldest gets when they turn 18.

I would let your eldest child split the money (a kind and generous thing to do at this age - and ensure the younger child understands the significance of doing this)

then I would top up both child’s amounts to be the same as the original amount the eldest child had

Actually I think this is the way to go.

It’s so hard to be fair. In some respects.

We have no idea what their will is - I will find out more tomorrow and find out how much if anything is in the account!

It sounds as though your children have a lovely relationship. I agree about letting her split it then top up both accounts if you can afford to.

You sound really ungrateful and hold a grudge. Unless I have misunderstood. Not speaking, demanding apologies. Make the money up yourself if your youngest has missed out. Now you are worrying about their will.

WTAF? @Viviennemary although my mother’s name does begin with a V.

Point 2, after some shitty behaviour BY them contact ceased.

My father grabbed me for the last time and assaulted me in front of the neighbours and my own children - yes in public, this was after decades of surviving child abuse off them. We are safe and away. Yes I remember. Yes the children remember. I kept them safe.

For a number years we were low contact eg we sent them birthday cards, Christmas cards etc and they would not return status quo and not send cards to us. We then visited them (at their request) and they grabbed me see above.

Entitled? I brought my own house and earnt it. Grabby - the only grabby one is my father who grabbed my hair yanked me over backwards in front of my children. Maybe you will victim blame me in your next post and ask me what I did to provoke him?

I didn’t ask for your opinion on me I asked what was fair to the children. Fortunately others have suggested answers to that. We are going to find out how much there is today and halve it (as per eldest requests) then top it up to original amount.

Why are you accepting money from these people who you haven't a good word to say about.

WTAF? Are you this nasty and entitled in real life? I have a sneaking suspicion you are my mother. In which case, you will know I left home at 17. Due to abuse. Which is on police record. Paid my own way through university and never have taken a penny.

I wonder what your story is @Viviennemary ?

Ring them and just ask directly. I understand why that is tremendously difficult but as a fellow estranged person I can feel in your posts that mentally you are tying yourself in knots constantly over this money, and trying to work out x y z etc etc etc.
one phone call will take away every uncertainty, you’ll come across as somebody who is respectful (yes, even though you were wronged), open hearted and willing to have an adult conversation about a contentious subject.
I’m saying this as somebody who has recently had “contact” following a death in the family and quite honestly it has taken a huge amount of weight off my soul. Try it. X

We have been into the bank which is an hour away. They stopped paying in about 4 years ago. Shortly after they last assaulted me (I’m their daughter) they stopped paying daughter pocket money. There was well over £1000 or so in there from before they stopped the payments which was her birthday money and pocket money etc , they couldn’t say if they (parents) had stopped paying in or if it had been cancelled as it was an inactive account.

To keep my eldest full credit she then phoned my mother. She wanted to do it herself but wanted me next to her when she phoned. Eldest was polite but direct eg Hi, Can you just confirm you aren’t paying into this account as we are estranged rather than because your payments are rejected because the account is inactive and just checking you have stopped the payments your side. My mother went ‘errrr errr errr they were stopped…… the payments were stopped we stopped them’ and eldest said ‘That’s great and fine, that’s ok no worries, thank you for confirming. Thanks appreciated. ‘ and then daughter said ‘Have a good day and bye’ and put the phone down. So all is well and good. Eldest is not upset.

As she says no payments going in - she can just close the account now etc if she wants and they cut her pocket money. After they assaulted me - they could of phoned, emailed or contacted her and I still was low contacted for a while (sent them birthday and Christmas cards ) etc but I got no response, so after trauma counselling I just stopped contacting them.

Have told her we will give her younger sibling the same and she said that’s really nice and is pleased for him. My husband said that he can believe it because of who and what they are and how they treat everyone.

Eldest shrugged and said ‘They are who they are, you can’t change them.’ And that was that.

Sorted.