My sister in law is in severe financial trouble, how do I stop her spending?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

My sister in law has revealed to me last night that she’s in real difficulties and has asked me for help. She’s 23.

She works 25 hours a week for £12.60 an hour, so brings in £1,200 a month. She is studying for her masters, so cannot work more.

She has told me that she has nearly £5,000 in credit card debt, £1,500 in Klarna debt and, I believe, a personal loan around £7,500. She also has an interest free overdraft of £500.

She is spending the majority of her wages to pay off her debts, meaning she’s living in her overdraft. She just cannot stop herself spending. She’s almost addicted to it. She wants new things all the time, it spirals, and she gets into this mess. She’s now told me she’s felt suicidal over these debts.

I am able to clear these debts. I want to, but I want to do it on the condition that she breaks her spending habits and starts to get herself sorted. What can I do to help her on this path? What tactics can I use?

It seems you are in a good position to help her without absolving her of all responsibility.

I think I'd pay off whatever is adding the most pressure/highest interest so that she can breathe.l (on condition she repays at a later date).

Uni term is nearly finished. Could she get a temporary role at your workplace or a paid internship for the summer? She could probably clear her debts and see a different life if you are happy to accommodate her.

At least that way she will gain the sense of achievement of paying it off. If you do it for her, nice as that is, her self esteem will take a battering.

Congratulations on your twins. You sound like such a great person to have in your corner when you are down, I hope your SIL realises how lucky she is to have you. Just wanted to say look after yourself too and hope it all works out for all of you.

Just to note that many people in debt are actually in rather more debt than they realise. So a 100% stock-take is needed.

As with others here, agencies like step-change should be a first port of call, and the lenders themselves. That may help to reduce the amount of debt, or the repayments.

After than consider debt consolidation. And then dealing with the underlying issues.

Other advice -- don't pay off her debts as a one-off, but work with her over a period of time.

Good luck!

Yes I will get a paid internship sorted out at the very minimum, I think I’m almost blinded by making it all go away because I can remember the feelings her parents had when I was pregnant.

It sounds a lot like you’re heading into a drama triangle situation here - SIL is the victim, her parents are the persecutors and you’re absolutely desperate to become the rescuer. It’s a deeply unhealthy dynamic for everyone involved, and very disempowering to the rescued victim once it’s established. I’d strongly suggest reading up on the drama triangle and fully examining your own motives before you take any action. That’s not to say you can’t help her, or she can’t move in with you, because there are healthy versions of each role - instead of rescuing you aim to become a coach, and instead of the victim she becomes the creator, taking charge of her of her life and fixing her own problems.

Which is all a psychobabble way to say - don’t aim to solve her problems for her, but by all means support her to solve them herself.

Get an appointment with CAB. Go with her. They can help her put together a plan to repay and manage her debt.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/

She doesn’t want to seek medical attention at this point

She has no intention of changing her spending habits. She wants you to pay the debt off and will continue to spend. She will be spinning the same story to someone else in 2 or 3 years.

So you are going to move her into your house, pay off all of her debts, cover all of her day to day living expenses, and parachute her into a nepo-job so she has plenty of pocket money to carry on spending..

How is that going to give her any adult coping skills, and what do you see the end point being here? It will not make her independent, it will infantilise her.

Take her to either Step Change or Christians against Poverty. If she engages with them and sticks to a plan tell her for every pound she pays off you will match. This way you are helping her if she is trying to help herself.

stepchange are brilliant. Get her to contact them.

def don't bail her out. she will only do it again and again. she needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions

As I have said - I’ve taken on board the advice about paying off her debts. I will work on a payment plan for her. But I do really feel that her coming to London will give her some good headspace. I think you’d be hard pressed to find near enough anyone working in the city in huge corps who hasn’t had some sort of a boost to be honest

In that case you are projecting massively, not necessarily being rational about what is best.

As I have acknowledged. But I also know that she doesn’t need to get away from them, even if it’s only for the summer.

But, kindly, no one took it all away for you when you were pregnant. You lived through it and came out the other side. This gave you the self esteem and confidence you have now. Something which appears to be much lacking in your SIL
For her sake, limit your help to supporting her in getting herself out of this mess, not taking over as the knight on a white horse.

I am able to clear these debts. I want to, but I want to do it on the condition that she breaks her spending habits and starts to get herself sorted. What can I do to help her on this path? What tactics can I use?

Don't do it OP. You will be doing her no favours, she needs to take steps to sort this out herself. Help her with a budget, point her in the direction of debt counsellors by all means but she really needs to deal with this herself - if you pay it off she will almost certainly rattle up a load of debt again because no consequences and no lessons learned.

I know, but I really wish they had. It would’ve helped me so much. I don’t know how I came out of the other side. I really don’t, and that’s why I really want to do what I can. She doesn’t deserve the shit from her parents.

You can't do it for her, don't be an enabler. She needs proper debt advice. If you clear debts for her she's free to run them up again with no effort on her part.

She has a gap somewhere and she’s trying to fill that void. I agree you can’t bail her out as others said she won’t learn but you can help (not therapy) just to be there for her. She needs to get to the root of it so agree with her talking to one of the charities. Good luck op.

Ok but look: you survived! Try to remember and model that.

They were—and will be—awful to you and they will start right in with your children . So your plan has to include a freedom plan for yourself.

Parents can be shit. These parents sound awful. But your task here is to move out of their emotional control and show her that they lose their power to hurt her when she stops giving them her fealty and power in exchange for their love (or, really, to avoid their criticism.)

I haven’t read the whole thread. A friend got out of debt with the free support of the charity Christians Against Poverty (CAP). You don’t need to be a Christian and there is no requirement to go to a church. IIRC, they put together a plan with her and managed parts of it for her.

You sound like a kind sister, OP, but enabling her is not being kind. She needs to own up to her mess to her parents too. I feel there's an aspect that she takes advantage of you if she won't stop spending even after being in this deep hole. If you want to help, you can help with getting her the right help, and maybe supporting her living expenses as a loan. She's an adult, she shouldn't ask/get free money. And don't give her cash, instead buy her gift cards for food/necessities that you can monitor and make sure she does pay off her debts.

I don’t see them all that often, and I think that’s part of why I want her to come to London. To get her away from them for a while and show her there’s life outside of her little Buckinghamshire town! She’s agreed to come and speak to me and my husband face to face this afternoon, so that’s something.

If you pay off her debts, it's practically guaranteed your current close relationship with her won't survive.
She needs to feel the pain of fixing this herself, to not repeat it.
Guide her to StepChange or similar, be supportive and help her practically.

Books to read: Susan Forward’s Toxic Parents and Toxic Inlaws. Also read The Drama Of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller. All of the children of the family fall into this category of the child burdened by parental expectations and agendas.

Gift cards are a good idea. I’d not thought of them! I remember being given some when I went to uni and I was perplexed, but they were so useful.