My sister in law is in severe financial trouble, how do I stop her spending?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

My sister in law has revealed to me last night that she’s in real difficulties and has asked me for help. She’s 23.

She works 25 hours a week for £12.60 an hour, so brings in £1,200 a month. She is studying for her masters, so cannot work more.

She has told me that she has nearly £5,000 in credit card debt, £1,500 in Klarna debt and, I believe, a personal loan around £7,500. She also has an interest free overdraft of £500.

She is spending the majority of her wages to pay off her debts, meaning she’s living in her overdraft. She just cannot stop herself spending. She’s almost addicted to it. She wants new things all the time, it spirals, and she gets into this mess. She’s now told me she’s felt suicidal over these debts.

I am able to clear these debts. I want to, but I want to do it on the condition that she breaks her spending habits and starts to get herself sorted. What can I do to help her on this path? What tactics can I use?

The only way this will work is in conjunction with a good therapist and/or a self help support group where she has to stay accountable with regular updates to you. You need to have access to any accounts she has.

In an ideal world she'd hand over her bank and credit cards to you and have a separate basic account like Monzo where you pay her her own money back, in small increments week by week, so she has enough to live on and nothing more. and y

You should also be able to see how often she withdraws it and what she spends it on. She's going to need to be treated like a small child with pocket money for a while. It will be awful for her and she may not even agree, but anything less is a waste of time from your point of view, because it will be too easy for her to cheat you and slip back into her old ways.

Have you read my update? This is as a result of the abuse from her mother who has basically convinced her she’s not good enough because she doesn’t have expensive things or a fancy job.

This is the best solution. This way she can longer get into debt!

I had a similar situation with a family member. We paid their debt and then they paid us monthly over a period of five years (with nominal interest). This meant that they weren't trapped on the stupidly high interest repayments of credit cards and overdrafts, but they did still need to make permanent changes to spending and take accountability for their debt. We set it up with a contact (you can get templates online) which they signed, just to cover situations where they might try not to pay etc, although as it happened we didn't really have any issues.

Hi @mummytoonetryingfortwo it might be worth looking at the Stately Homes threads on the Relationships board as a lot of people have dealt with toxic parents. There’s usually some good book recommendations and similar that might be worth checking out. You could suggest borrowing from the library if you can reserve showing a way of getting things without purchasing them. I admire your compassion for your SIL and hope she is able to find her way through this.

I think I’m going to end up posting on another board for advice because my head is spinning and I just feel so sick about the entire situation

She doesn't need her GP, she needs to contact debt charities. This isn't something a pill can fix.

That too. But she needs counseling and psychological support. She has an addiction and is very unhappy

Your SIL hasn't even moved in yet and you've already worked yourself up to feeling ill.

Now you've come to some kind of agreement wait and, within a set time scale, let things settle before you make the next move.

Hopefully things will work out and you've made the right decision.

Can you help her move stuff to 0% cards ?
Maybe pay for some counselling? Or if she’s at uni is there a counselling or advice service ?

It's doing my head in.

I know this has moved on a bit. But, if comfortable, she could give you access to her credit records (login for Credit Karma or similar), this would allow you to monitor whether she is taking on any further debt. Hopefully something you wouldn't have to use but maybe useful for her to keep herself honest knowing you can check. I hope she gets it sorted.

I think you should help her on the condition she accepts other help aswell - I agree it’s an addiction. I’d insist on seeing her bank statements and complete transparency - I expect you don’t know the full extent of it.

In all honestly if it’s affecting her that much she’s better off pausing her masters and earning more to pay this off (or pay you back) and solving the problem before continuing it again.

I also think some perspective might help- yes it’s a lot of money but it’s less than a mortgage or giant student loan, which many people shoulder! It is a big amount but it’s not dire. Some people have hundreds of thousands of debt and huge amounts on credit cards. She needs to breathe deeply, be honest, seek help and hold herself accountable. You sound v nice and I do think you should help her if you’d like to - but - it can only be once. So it has to be properly done once and for all. Otherwise you are not helping her but actually enabling her to continue.

I think this is a really kind, empathetic response that also encourages her to take responsibility and break the cycle she’s in

I'm sorry but she will

I think you sound like a lovely sister in law and i hope things work out for her - what a lovely man your husband sounds like and the MIL can rot in hell.
Wishing you all the best of luck.

Is she full time doing the masters (I'm doing a msc and work full time as a Dr 45-63h/week), so it's certainly possible to work more hours

Go on money-savingexpert debt page and it'll tell u how to snowball debt, ie pay the highest % debt first and the minimum on all the rest.

I wouldn't pay it off for her as that's not solving anything, she will just reaccumulate it

@mummytoonetryingfortwo You sound really lovely and I think your support will make a massive difference to her recovery. Good luck with everything including the pregnancy. 🤞

She actually wants you to bail her out. The End

She shouldn't rush to defer her masters...

You won’t get it back. She can help it, she’s choosing not to and is expecting you to bail her out. She’s bound to do it again and again if you do.

Sounds like you have a good plan to start with. I'm glad SiL wouldn't accept your offer to pay off all her debts but surprised you suggested it, after so many people told you why that would be unhelpful. She needs to get herself out of this mess (with your support) because she needs to know that she is capable and worthwhile. Her mother is wrong.

Maybe you should at least read the OPs updates before posting drivel. The End.

Glad you’ve got the beginnings of a plan OP
Before doing anything else, concentrate in giving yourself, your husband and your SIL a bit of grace. However upsetting, your toxic MIL is not worth making yourselves unwell or miserable over.