So to cut a long story short, I’ve just found out after 10 years of marriage that my husband has run up £65K of debt. I’m panicking about the financial impact but I hope that can be sorted. But I’m more hurt by the level of deception and lies that have got us to this point. I also feel really stupid for my own part in this - but feel like he’s been dishonest so I’ve made choices I wouldn’t otherwise have made (I don’t mean I’ve spent on huge things; but if I’d known the level of debt I would’ve cancelled Sky or not gone out for a meal etc!). And now I don’t know if I can trust him on anything?!
It’s also probably reasonable to add that our relationship initially started as an affair. I made it clear I couldn’t cope with lies and wasn’t going to be the ‘other woman’. He left his wife within 3 weeks of meeting me because I said I wasn’t getting involved. He then lived on his own and we had a 2 year relationship before getting married. He’d also previously had an affair which had gone on for a year, his ex found out. So yes, great start I realise. But I thought I’d made it clear I hate lying.
He pays a significant amount of maintenance to his first wife for teenage kids (which he absolutely should). I get nothing for my 2 children who live with us full time (not his). The mortgage and most bills have always only been in my name. This is where I take responsibility for my part - I’ve always felt ok about this because a) it was my house when we met, and b) it felt fair that he contributed through the ‘nice to have’ stuff as I managed the household. This has meant we’ve kept finances very separate and he’s clearly therefore been able to run up credit cards and loans in his name only because he didn’t have the mortgage in his name.
Obviously some of this spending will have benefited me which I realise, but it’s choices like a meal out once a month - not spending on extravagant things.
It’s only come out after a lot of lies upon lies to avoid telling the truth. I don’t understand the level of debt - we both earn good salaries, we don’t go on holidays, we do run 2 cars, and £12K of debt is on his car. But the rest he reckons has just gradually built up. I have a banger! We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle at all.
I’ve arranged to see a financial advisor to help sort a payment plan but I feel really let down. I work so hard full time and long hours, but I thought it was worth it knowing I could retire in 10-15 years with the house paid off. Now it looks like we’ll be spending the rest of our lives sorting it out, I don’t know if the house is at risk even though it’s not in his name, and it feels like he’s been lying our entire marriage. He doesn’t seem to comprehend the level of deception. He says he loves me and hasn’t lied, he doesn't see why it’s making me question our entire marriage. How do I sort this?