Where to start?

[ByLimeAnt]

I've been with my husband for 25 years and in prices of divorce. He's in a LOT of debt and has got me to take on some as well. I pay twice the amount he does into the joint account and also pay some extras on top (holiday clubs etc). I also think I earn more but don't know what his salary is.

I'm trying to plan where exactly I am going money wise and I don't know where to start.

So far I have worked out how much I owe.
Outgoings
Bill money for car service etc.

But I want more, I want to have a plan to ensure that I'm never in this situation again.

Sometimes he asks for money halfway through the month and that throws me off track hugely.

I'm trying to give a bit of context here. Yes, he's financially abusive, yes, i've been in contact with Women's Aid.

I've looked online but all the stuff I've seen had ground breaking ideas such as meal planning, selling is clothes and (gasp) making your own coffee. And weirdly paying bills by direct debit, as if that's not a thing.

So I'd value ideas on how to structure and plan a more solvent, single era!

Hi I got myself into 30k of debt about 15 years ago and went to a debt charity called Stepchange. They helped me so much! I’m now debt free

What's your current and expected future housing situation? Eg if you're in a lot of debt and will be renting it's different to if you will be paying a mortgage and the debt is relatively affordable. If your credit history is still good, do all you can to keep it that way, but if it's already damaged, it could be that you might as well go for a formal solution like a debt relief order, IVA or even bankruptcy depending on your situation rather than struggling on with debt for years on end.

If you still live together, can you move out/get him to move out? Also stop giving him money and make sure you have your own account to keep money where he can't access your salary.

I've got a mortgage in both our names. He refuses to engage with divorce (solicitor says that now he had refused to engage with mediation we can move on more swiftly) and refuses to move out. Thanks for the Stepchange recommendation. I'm hoping I can pay my debt off when I sell the house.

Hi @ByLimeAnt firstly sorry you are gping through this but you are asking questions, taking advice and action. Good on you.

My advice is to request credit reference agency files for you both so you have a clear idea of both of your liabilities (you have a financial association). Take professional advice from a solicitor about if you should tell those agencies you no longer wish to be associated (i say that in case there is joint debt and companies start "calling in" the debt). Are all your financial commitments (and his) up to date?

I would stop giving money when asked because when divorcing and you earn more, you may risk him saying he is financially dependent on you and you supporting him with some sort of maintenance arrangement. Again, speak to solicitor.

I would also set up a new bank account just for you and have your salary paid in there so you can ring fence it. You may both need to move out and you may need a down payment for rent? If he refuses to move out and you sell, what would be next step? Legal can be expensive so starr setting aside money. If it drags out and he doesnt have £, it may all come out of house sale (so dont rely completely on house sale to clear everything).

I hope this helps you start to ringfence your financial wellbeing and start a putting together a roadmap.

I feel for you but you can so this x

Christians Against Poverty are good at helping people organise a budget (I am not religious and you dont need to be). They do free in person and online money management courses - have a google.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice, it means a lot. LemonLass, I appreciate your thoughts.

Good idea about credit reference check.
I've always kept my own bank account (and drummed importance of doing this into my children)
Good point about not giving money so he can't claim financial dependency I hadn't thought of that.

I have no idea what happens if he refuses to move out so I can sell. Solicitor says court can force sale but I don't see that being quick or cheap or easy.

Trying so hard to protect my children from animosity. He forgot one of their birthdays last year so I bought him a present saying it was from dad. My son said, mum, I hope dad remembers my birthday this year. I said, well he did last year, he bought you X. "I know you bought it and said it was from him Mum"

That poor kiddo.

Speak to your solicitor about a Mesher Agreement (i have spelt it how you say it but that may not be correct spelling). It means a parent remaining in the family home with children until they are 18. You would need to both cover mortgage (perhaps he would have attachment of earnings through court - hope he isnt self employed or he may intentionally fudge his numbets?)

If you had a Mesher Agreement, agreement is typically to sell and split the asset at that later date. Properties tend to increase in value (and equity) over time. Poss good news for kids if means stability BUT not a clean cut sale now to separate financials. You may wish to start afresh of course and push for sale now. If it has arrears, lender may commence that?