Discovered my DP has huge debts dishonesty. What do I do?

[ItsyBitsySpiderMan]

I don't know what to do. My partner of almost 10 years has struggled with debt, nothing I was overly concerned about as it was high but manageable (as far as I've been aware) but his Mum paid if all his debt 3ish years ago. I knew he then ran up a credit card which he's now working an extra day a week to clear. He told me and his Mum this was £7k and he was putting roughly £1k a month towards it. However, I've seen bits and pieces from his finances (we keep separate finances) and I didn't feel like things added up.
Anyway Friday, I was using one of his old phones and an email came through for Experian saying his credit score has gone down. I very naughtily guessed the password to sign in and nose. I discovered he has £31k of debt over loans and credit cards. He earns around £31k a year from his main job mon-fri then extra from the other job on a Sunday.
I'm in shock, it's so much money. I want to confront him about it but I've obviously gone behind his back to find this information which I obviously shouldn't have done.
I feel in shock, I can't sleep properly and I just don't know what to do. It will take him years to pay off.
To add also, he really doesn't have anything to show for it!

Some basics: do you have mortgage, DCs, tenancy together? How long have you been together?

Could you survive without his income?

Sorry, just seen you have been together 10 years. How long have you been living together?

More concerned about where the money went...
Drugs?
Gambling?
Prostitutes?
It doesn't go into a Tesco till does it?

Over 3 years that’s probably about 7k a year I reckon (accounting for the interest that will also be included in the total). Has he got anything to show for it? Is there any indication he’s been buying stuff, living beyond his means and/or using it to pay household expenses?

I know you found out sneakily but I’d bring it up with him.

as others have said try to have a think about where it could have gone.

also do you never do financial planning yourself or as a couple. Do you have any long term goals you’re saving for… holiday, renovations, car, house move, retirement. Can you not just sit down and discuss finances and ask him to tell you his financial commitments / future plans / goals / etc?

Please save yourself, get out now. He cannot be helped. His DM paid his debts and then he did it again, behind your back.
Who cares what he spends it on, just get gone.

I want to confront him about it

What do you think that will achieve?
Is there any point? He will either deny it is a problem, or say he is dealing with it, or perhaps he will cry and apologise and beg forgiveness.

But the outcome will be the same: you can't stay living with him. You have to split up.
You say you have 'separate finances' but that is not truly possible if you are sharing a house together.
So you have to live separately, for your own protection.

Hello thank you for the replies so far, sorry I'm on a course today and struggling to concentrate I'm so blindsided!
Been together almost 10 years.
Lived together 8+
In our second mortgaged house
Two DC
I'd be able to cope on my own I think but it would be tight. If we were to split I'd have probably £40-£50k equity in the house myself however, we've just fixed for another 2 years.
No savings myself really as we've always been 50/50, even during mat leaves so I had to live on my savings (another story 🙃)
Immediate thoughts are to get myself in the best position possible by paying off my (small, manageable) debt and start putting money aside secretary.

What’s it gone on?

if he’s gambled it away that’s a different story than if you’ve both got flash cars and holidays and have been living beyond your means

I really can't see anything that it could have gone on. We both have older cars (11 plates) though each bought our own. He does have a couple of other cars he 'tinkers with' but they're max worth a few grand at a push I imagine.
He took us away for a staycation last year as a family for 2 nights in a Premier Inn, aside from the usual food/amusements for the children it wasn't an overly expensive trip. There's been no lavish holidays or money spent on the house or anything. A couple of weeks ago we both put £100 towards a second hand fridge freezer because our old one died but that was like getting blood from a stone.

I can't abide men who don't support the mother of their children during maternity leave and the early years. Especially since he's clearly so generous to himself! Is he mean with love too?

Where on earth has it gone then? Dodgy investments, webcam girls, gambling, drugs, other...?

What a shock OP. I think there must be more to this too, so steel yourself. You have to get out. I couldn't accept the dishonesty for starters. He's taken from your kids' futures as well as from your life.

You need to start planning NOW to leave him and untangle yourself from his financial mess. If you don't you'll get dragged down with him.

He's obviously spending money secretly on something, whether it's drugs, prostitutes, gambling, alcohol, etc. Even if he's hopeless with controlling day to day spending, that's a hell of a lot of debt to get into with nothing to show for it. It's certainly been racked up with too many Costa Coffees or not buying meal deal sandwiches for his lunches!

Sadly, with you living together and having a joint mortgage, your own credit score will be adversely affected by his poor credit rating.

Make a plan, whether it's six months, a year, two years, or whatever to disentangle yourself from him and go your separate ways.

He had a clean slate 3 years ago when his debts were paid off and he has run them up again straight away. This very much shows he won't change. Do not finance him, he isn't taking any responsibility.

My guess would be that his mother gave him the money and he didn't clear his credit card.

You need to find out what it's all for.

I got into this much debt in secret
No gambling, no prositutes
Its not hard, few hundred extra a month and only repay the minimum on creit cards so interest mounts up.
Its not good and while I think you do need to consider your future with your H (because he will do it again if he can, I speak from experience) don't listen to people telling you it MUST be drugs, gambling or prostitution.
It might be but not for sure

If he ramped it up so fast yet has nothing to show for it; no expensive hobbies, holidays, flashy wardrobe, showy cars, and he doesn't pay all the bills ...

Where's it gone?

Does he have any dodgy friends, mysterious visitors, phone calls, unexplained absences?

Drugs and gambling can get him and you into nasty company.

Prostitutes can give him and you STDs.

Is he a heavy drinker?

You need to know the truth.

Ask to see evidence that he paid off the debt with his mother's money. If he did, it exists.

And look at ALL the other evidence. Phone/mobile bills, credit card spending breakdowns, bank statements. The credit card bill will show you where it all went. (Mine reveals a ridiculously spendy coffee shop habit.)

If he shreds paperwork immediately, he's hiding something.

Get him to obtain paper copies to show you, if he usually only does it digitally.

If he refuses to show you, he's been lying and it's going elsewhere.

Your first suspicions have been proved right. Now your and your family's wellbeing is at stake.

Tell him if the marriage is to survive, I insist on transparency, clarity, honesty, openness ... These are non negotiable. These are my boundaries.

Get an appointment with a solicitor and find out your situation re your rights.

I know you feel like you've done wrong by going behind his back but this affects you too. If the bailiffs come and you cant prove items were bought by you or in your name you and your children could end up with losing your home and its contents.

Does he seem stressed all the time? Perhaps he's being extorted for some reason.

I don't know if I could continue in this relationship tbh. Debt frightens me.

And forgive me, but have you done a credit check on yourself, to ensure there aren't any nasty surprises lurking there?