Finances with an age gap and no stake in the house

[Greywarden]

Hi everyone,

I'm quietly worrying about my financial situation and not sure what to do. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Here's the context: my DH and I married last year. He is quite a bit older than I am - he is mid-50s, I am mid-30s. We have a toddler DD together. We both work full-time and he earns about twice my salary.

This is my DH's second marriage (he was married and divorced in his 20s so some time ago). He has adult DCs from his first marriage, who he helps out financially on a fairly regular basis but not a huge amount. We live in a house that my DH bought decades ago. He finished paying the mortgage off before he met me so we are in the amazing position of living rent and mortgage-free. The house isn't worth a huge amount - we reckon £120,000-140,000 - as it's small and not in a very desirable area or in great condition. Before we met, I was renting and saving for a deposit on my first place but hadn't taken the leap, so I didn't bring any property to the table when we married (and yes, I realise I was doing pretty badly in this regard - I didn't get serious about saving until my late twenties, and did far too much travelling on a modest salary - I'm ashamed of this now but too late to go back!).

DH and I divide all bills, childcare costs, food shop, holidays, home improvements etc equally. This is in recognition of the fact that whilst he earns more, he did single-handedly provide our home and I never contributed to this at all. I think this is fair enough personally. We each maintain separate savings accounts. We both save some money each month (unsurprisingly given lack of mortgage) but he understandably saves a lot more than me. He has somewhere around £50,000 saved; I have less than half that.

Why am I anxious? For me the issues are these:

• He speaks about retiring early but has no idea what his pension will be. It will be decent but not huge (think long public-sector career with only relatively recent progression from front-line work into management). He wants to travel in retirement - live his best life - and that all sounds amazing, but I worry about what that will mean for me as the sole breadwinner and for our DD.
• I'm not on the deed to the house and have no record of contributing to the mortgage, so if we split up, it's my understanding that I probably wouldn't have a claim to it. I actually do think that is fair as it wouldn't be right for me to take a house off my DH that he worked so hard for before he even met me! But if this happened I would be homeless and with no property to my name. It's all very well if that happens now but what if it happens in 10, 20, 30 years' time...?
• My savings aren't growing fast enough so I don't have as much to fall back on as I'd like if anything happened... but it's hard to tighten my belt without asking DH to reign in on the joint spending, and he is already unhappy about the limited holidays etc. I feel over-stretched and stressed about money despite being in technically a really good position.
• My DH refuses to write a will. Like, at all. I think it's maybe because he doesn't like the idea of being seen to 'choose' between me, our DD and his adult DCs. He has told me that if he dies before me, he'd like me to keep the house until our DD grows up and divide his savings equally between me, DD and adult DCs. This is all verbal. I have visions of it causing terrible upset and resentment - his DCs are lovely to me and were supportive of our marriage but I'm under no illusions that there would be strain over me and my DD getting what they would understandably see as their inheritance (I would feel the same in their shoes, I'm sure).

I feel so concerned about it all and have visions of myself being broke and renting in late middle-age and struggling to give DD a good start in adulthood. I find myself unable to raise my worries with DH for fear of sounding grasping and greedy. Maybe I come across that way here now? If so I'm happy to be told - I probably need to hear it!

I should add that I love DH very much and that yes, I'm aware that marrying someone so much older and with his own DC was always going to have its challenges. I am also aware that I'm incredibly lucky to have the life I have now. I'm embarrassed to be raising this really and feel a bit ridiculous, but I'd be grateful for any pointers at all.

The house would be yours if he died and as you are married also have a claim

You both need to be responsible and write wills for all the DC’s sakes… the house is tricky but if you are now paying for upkeep there might be an argument for a share in the future, but clear wills could sort a lot of this out.

He married you too, so he also has to face the potential implications of the age gap… sounds like a communication issue, not a money one… let him know your worries, ask him to really listen and then you can make a plan together x

This - without a will and your spouse therefor dying intestate you are entitled to the first 200k of the estate and then 50 % of the rest so if your house is only worth just over half that you don’t have to worry about that - this is in the uk - you need to check it means you can just stay in the house and not have to liquidate the estate - also your child would have a claim on the estate while they are under 18 so actually he is going about the best way of ensuring his adult dc don’t get anything by not doing a will.

i speak as a wife with an age gap of 26 years having lost my spouse 2 years ago.

you may not have contributed to the house but you have had a child with your body and all that entails inc not being able to earn what you did for a period of time whether that be just around the birth or ongoing. Don’t discount that

he really needs to make a Will to ensure his wishes are carried out. You have to take the trust out of it for all concerned

Wills are about living in the now securely

Ah and to say I understand all your fears - the way you need to approach the discussion is that it is about love - that’s how I did it.

your not graspy - your realistic and you have a young child - I was also worried about caring and being a parent at the same time. You have to think all these things through

He can easily find out what his pension is worth if it is public sector as he will receive or can request a statement. Depends what kind of contributions he has made.

Hes bulshitting you...he could easily find pension information..
But equally why did you move in get married and have a child with someone you can't discuss money with?
You are not a child.....you have a job and had savings,..you weren't stupid travelling etc in your early 20's perfectly normal...
Your dh was able to buy in easier times so no big gold star there either...
He's not doing you a favour by housing you .. your married and have a child together..you are a family now and thats how resources should be looked at

Most working couples i know either split bills proportional to wages... With x amount for personal spends and family savings (broken boiler money type thing/holiday fund)then anything else into savings/pensions etc to make sure u maximise isa's etc..

Or just put all income into one pot and then pay out of that....

If he retires what will the impact be on living costs? Will you save on childcare for example or commuting etc his pensions wil replace his income and he can find out what they will. E quite easily.. same with state pension but that won't arrive til he's 67..

Its good you want to plan .. sticking your head in the sand is really not a good idea and will's are essential with small children in the mix

You need to check who the beneficiary is of his pension and any death in service payment too

With no will you will inherit everything and if you divorce unless there is something stating differently you will be entitled to 50% of the house.

your husband seems quite naive to not be putting protections in place for your step children

I don't think that it is fair that your DH earns twice as much as you but you contribute equal amounts for bills, childcare costs, home improvements etc. He must have loads more spare money than you do. Also, if you think that it's fair that you aren't on the deeds of the house you live, why would you pay towards home improvements to increase the value of a property that you don't own?

As other posters have said, if your DH dies or you divorce, his house would be a marital asset and you would have a claim on it.

You keep saying how great your DH is and how much you love him, but he is treating you and your child badly as you are contributing 50% to the household finances even though you earn half as much as your DH and this will mean that you won't be able to save. He is giving you no financial security and he sounds very selfish.

I’m a public sector worker and I get a yearly statement. I could also ring up the pensions company and ask for one if I needed one for whatever reason. Also the pensions are really good as the pay is much lower than doing a similar job in the private sector. My lump sum for example would be about 200 thousand pounds. I’m telling you this as he may get a very big payment. He could give some of this to his adult children and leave the house to you. Or whatever. If he doesn’t have a will then I think you would benefit more financially but I’m not really sure how that works or how much you/ the children would get.
25 grand in savings is a lot. Can you get some financial advice and invest them? Or put a chunk into your pension as a way to provide for yourself. Or half high interest account/ half pension.

He needs to do a will, as do you. Have you heard of sideways disinheritance? He could outlive you, marry someone else and your child be left with nothing, after he dies.

I think it's wrong you're paying half towards the bills. Even with nursery fees you must have a fairly high combined disposable income every month so no wonder he can save a lot and you can't, therefore leaving you in a somewhat vulnerable position. Paying less for the bills could effectively be money you could save, or set up a SIPP. You imply you feel it's his house you're living in, but it's just as much yours as his.

Sorry but I would really struggle to respect a man nearing retirement age who doesn’t have the maturity or respect for his loved ones to make a will. That’s embarrassing.

Im also struggling to see how you didn’t iron out these issues before getting married and having a child. A massive age gap is going to throw up all manner of issues in terms of retirement plans, lifestyles, finances etc and it sounds like you got married first and are thinking about the implications later. Still, you are where you are.

I hate to say it but I think you’re a bit excessively ‘grateful’ if that’s the right word for the fact that he has a paid off house - at his age that’s not unusual and you don’t make it sound like a particularly nice one and as houses go it’s not a massive financial asset. I don’t personally agree that you’re paying more bills proportionate to your lower salary for that reason. You would have been better off on the trajectory you were on and not marrying this man as you’d be building up your own property assets and not overpaying on bills for a man whose had twenty years more than you to build up assets.

Honestly this whole set up sounds really unfortunate for you. I’m more sure what to suggest but I guess some legal advice and a hard think about what you both want your futures to look like. Maybe some relationship counselling would help to facilitate those hard discussions?

No will and married means you inherit

surely if he died you would live in house till you died and then split 3 ways. Your joint dc and his 2 kids or split 4 ways if 3 older kids and your joint