AIBU?! Feeling behind..

[itsallabitmuchx]

You've guessed it - I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I am 29yr old female (30 a week today). Spend the last 3 years completing a doctorate surviving on 1K a month (bloody hard work).

I have no savings. None. I am starting from scratch and despite being 'Dr' I am starting to realize that I am so behind, financially.

Recently my last grandparent died. My Mum has inherited 90K. She is toxic, lazy, always hated me. She has told me 'you wont be getting a penny' - she enjoys this.

I don't own anything. I pay rent (800 per month), pay for car monthly and only able to save 200 a month from this point onwards, due to paying of CC's etc.

I've never had a penny from my parents, for anything. I had to buy my own clothes from the age of 12 (meaning I had hardly anything).

I feel really fucking disappointed, depressed and 'what was the point?!'. I worked so hard to better my life, and I am no better off.

All of my peers have inherited, gifted £ for deposits etc. All of my grandparents have passed and I didn't get a penny.

Parents made it clear they are against giving any money for anything as I am an 'adult' and thus, not their responsibility (obvs not) and thus I need to struggle like they did when they were young (they have enough money to spare).

My parents make abso no effort whatsoever (very idle, passive people). No texts, phonecalls, nothing. I am an only child. They live 30 mins away.

I needed a rant.

@itsallabitmuchx yep that’s tough- we haven’t inherited at all yet and in our early 60s - and depends on other factors like parental care if we ever will. We also rent - albeit nice places but I’ve always helped our 27 year old out in London when needed and within reason and would go out my way to help set him up a bit if we did inherit- I think in your case OP it’s not just the money, what really hurts is the lack of giving a shit - what horrible people - they should be incredibly proud of you - I would be

I didn't own a thing at 29, I don't think that's unusual. Saved for a 25k (10%) deposit and bought a flat at 32 ish. Haven't inherited anything at all yet and I'm 45! You're in a great position to get a good job and start saving now, go for it.

Is your doctorate going to give you a good starting salary and rapid career increases though? In which case, surely you'll catch up soon. If not, was it worth doing?
My DS wanted to do a PhD after his Masters. I persuaded him to get a job and go back to do the PhD at a later date if he still wanted to do it. His Uni friend who carried on studying to do a PhD is still doing it. Meanwhile DS has been working, saved up a deposit and bought a house.
I think he feels it was the right decision now.

I don’t know anyone who’s inherited anything by the time they were 30! What did you do before doctorate if that’s only been the last 3 years? And what are you planning to do with it to make it pay for itself?

Forget anyone giving you anything and stop looking around you at those with lucky rich parents.

I was a battered child living in a rented bedroom and crying about how I would ever afford a house of my own.

In short, I worked hard, worked extra, and did not spend it. I saved and saved and knuckled down, no one gave me a thing. Now my mortgage is under £100 a month. You can do it.

What is your plan and why are you spending £800 on rent? I was the lodger of a wonderful couple, I had the top floor and lived there for six years while I saved up.

It's easy to feel sorry for yourself if you compare yourself to those in a better position, comparison is the thief of joy! It sounds like you're in a pretty normal position and better than lots of people. If all your friends have inherited/been gifted deposits that says more about your circle than anything, it's absolutely not the norm for most. The majority would not have inherited anything by 30 and not from grandparents. The average age to inherit on the UK is 61! Yes a PhD is a hard slog on not much money but you would know that going in. You sound a bit entitled expecting an inheritance or gifted deposit to be honest. Although it sounds like your relationship with your parents is challenging and I appreciate that's difficult. You're plenty young enough to improve your situation so I'd focus on doing all you can towards that.

I'm in my late 30s and life events meant that I had to rely on (read: use my) savings - I have nothing left and I hadn't managed to get the property ladder first. I'm very worried :/

In my part of the world, £800 on rent is cheap and that's for a basic room in a house share or as a lodger

@Leafy3 same here -

Oh God, that is high. Anything you can do?

I wish I had moved away from the big city - I have now. Life is slower, cheaper and much nicer. I do the same work for the same pay, but the pay goes a LOT further than in the city.

Can you consider that? Do you have to stay where you are?

All of my peers have inherited, gifted £ for deposits etc. All of my grandparents have passed and I didn't get a penny.

You aren't entitled to money when your grandparents die. This comes across really entitled. You're 29. You have time.

It sounds like you’re expecting inheritance to sort your life out - this is very entitled! A doctorate on its own doesn’t make you money - you know that. Get out there, work your way up the career ladder, get a side hustle to save more money and enjoy your youth as you’re still incredibly young!

What is your doctorate in? Was the plan to get a job using it, or spend your time in academia?
I would have thought that it's more unusual to have a life funded by inheritance rather than gainful employment, although that depends the circles you move in.
One of my close childhood friends ended up at St Andrews Uni, and her expectations (and entitlement!) from family re money and funding her lifestyle changed HUGELY due to her friendship groups there!

This attitude of “ we are not going to give you anything” sad as it is, means neither do you. So when care is needed they’ll need to look for someone else who give a fuck…

you’re not behind anyone as it’s not a race. Look at what you do want to achieve ( you’ve already achieved more than many ever will) and work out how you are going to get there. Talk to others about how to get there, as they will have different ideas and some you will hate other ideas you’ll love.

look at shared ownership, look at how you can maximise your income, side hustles, passive income. Can you tutor, write, put stuff online for a price?

Rant away! Your parents, particularly your mum, sound toxic.

However, you would be pretty young to inherit at 29 so I don't think that your peers that have inherited already are typical. Your PhD is a great achievement and you should be proud of yourself.

I started again after my divorce in my mid-30s, starting at the bottom of the career ladder and working my way up. You are still young and have lots of time to progress in your career.

At least you won't need to help your horrible parents in their old age. They have made their feelings very clear so you have absolutely no obligation to provide care and support.

I don’t know anyone who has inherited anything from grandparents, you must be in an unusual social circle. I’m in my 40s now and I’m set to inherit from my surviving parent in the next couple of years but I’d rather they were still here instead.

Feel proud of what you have achieved on your own. You have time to get the “stuff”, you’re only 29.

I assume you did a doctorate so you could get a decent job after? This is your life, your parents don’t have to give you money as nice as it would have been. Why can you only save £200 a month now, what is your salary and outgoings?

OP, first, MASSIVE congratulations on your doctorate. Take some time to celebrate this achievement. It shows incredible tenacity, motivation, discipline. I abandoned my doctorate. Too hard! Lots of people do. You are exceptional to keep going. These qualities will help you be successful through life.

Don't compare your one self with 'everyone else'. Some people got family handouts to buy a home, others got their careers started, others travel, others waste their twenties. You gained two or three academic degrees. Fantastic achievement by age 30! Trust me - other people will be admiring you and judging themselves against you. ( Not that this is what matters. Just saying others value what you chose)

Your parents attitude is shit but it does let you off the hook. They're getting older. You don't need to be at their beck and call. You are 100% free to live where you choose.

In your position, I'd make a rough 10, 5 and 3 year plan. Get a job with prospects, ( get any job at all while you apply for good jobs with prospects), build some career skills, make your current living environment as gorgeous as it can be, while planning on working towards owning a home of your own at some point.

Make sure you have fun too. PhDs are gruelling. Have a project to do something pleasurable every day.

When you made the decision at 27 to undertake your doctorate you already knew what your parents were like and that you would be unlikely to receive support. By the sounds of it you have had to provide for yourself from a very young age. It sounds like they were dreadful.
But I think I would ask why do you think, at 30 years old, that your parents would start supporting you now? It's not a surprise that they are not going to give you anything, they never have.
You are responsible for the financial position you find yourself in. You are nearly 30, why do you have nothing? Did you work between getting your degree and going back to uni?
I presume when you made the decision to go back to university that you had calculated the costs and benefits of your decisions. You decided that it would be worth it.
The reason you are so behind your peers is the choices you have made. Rather than bemoan the fact that other people are better off than you, you should own the choices that you made. You have achieved a lot.

You have done amazingly well in life despite what sounds like quite a bad upbringing. Look at it another way. You have achieved so much. You should be very proud of yourself.

You are still so young and have plenty of time to build up funds.

Your parents sound really awful. Sorry about that. Just remember that when they are old and need your help. Personally if it were me I would very busy and tell them to use all their precious pennies on carers.