AIBU - Money

[HRHPRINCESSOFFLUFF]

My parents are wealthy and started off loading cash a few years ago to avoid IHT, all legal as tax free gifts of £3000 etc. However I’ve recently found out (my mother told me) that the tax free gifts my parents are legally allowed to give away each year are being split 3 ways between me, my sister and my now 20 year old nephew, my sisters son. I said to my parents that I’m not happy as my sister’s side of the family are getting twice as much as me, but it falls on deaf ears. For context, my partner and I do everything for my parents whereas my sister and her partner and their son see them very briefly once or twice a year and are oblivious to their advancing years and additional needs that I and my partner deal with on a regular basis. AIBU to be annoyed, should a 20 year old in college be given thousands of pounds? He will have zero work ethic at this rate?

I honestly can’t imagine ever feeling entitled to pass comment on how my parents choose to spend their money, let alone take issue with it.

But her parents don’t have to do what you, or the op or anyone else thinks is fair. It’s their money so they can do what they like. It’s really not her place to say anything.

True, anyone can do whatever they want however unfair it is. However the OP is not being unreasonable to be upset that they are not treating her fairly.

I don’t think splitting the money this way is unfair at all. Some families will split it evenly between their children, some split it between all their descendants, including grandchildren.

It’s totally up to them. Don’t care for them if you don’t want to, but also don’t whinge about what they do with their own money. Would you be happier if they didn’t plan like this?

Loving the attempt to pass this off as concern for the nephew’s work ethic 😅

It shouldn’t matter who they gift their money to, you need to mind your own business.

I think best to keep your mouth shut from now on otherwise you could risk pissing off your parents and not getting that inheritance you may or may not be thinking of.

If nephew doesn't get £1000, you will get am extra £500 as will your sister

Fair isn’t a well defined concept so they may well think they are being fair. They are giving ‘fairly’ to their living descendants. Thy obviously see their nephew as someone they want to support directly, not a sub-set of their daughter. Who’s to say whether that’s fair or not? Either way I maintain that it’s totally unreasonable to feel wronged in any way because someone who’s giving you money, is also giving someone else money too. It’s not the OP’s money they are dishing out. It’s theirs.

If you feel that helping your parents is tied to how much money they give you, then back off on how much help you give to them.

I love how you pretend that your concerned about harming your nephew's work ethic. You just want more money for yourself. For the record, I got a seven-figure inheritance at that age and have a very strong work ethic.

My dad spends more on my brother's family than he does on my (my brother has children, and I don't) - his money to spend as he pleases and would never begrudge my nephews what was spent on them.

I wonder how people would feel if it happened to them.

Not sure about other people but I can 100% tell you how I would feel about it! It's not her money, the OP is behaving like it is. She should be grateful, in my humble opinion.

This is why it’s tricky. OP clearly doesn’t think it’s fair. But others would say that it’s not fair for a grandparent not to pass on money to their grandchildren.

Others would say that any inheritance is unfair. Why should OP get a chunk of money that she’s not worked for, when many don’t get that?

It’s really not as simple as having one obviously fair solution.

Your parents consider each person as an individual person, not as a subset of the family tree. Hence they’re threading each adult equally.

As others have said, it's up to your parents.

I do have some sympathy with the parental care issue - I visit my mum and stay a few nights with her several times a year. DB didn't go once in 2024. When my Dad died, DM phoned me up everyday for about a year crying, which was incredibly stressful and I ended up on anti-anxiety medication. DB also speaks to her every day. About 2 years later, I mentioned the crying to DB, only to discover that she'd not once cried down the phone to him. That certainly felt unfair.

Carry on arguing and you'll split the family up

Your parents are being completely fair. They have 3 close, adult relatives that they love and want to give a modest amount of money to. They are giving each one adult the same amount each.

What would actually be unfair would be giving one adult relative twice as much as the other two adult relatives are getting each, which is what OP wants, to her benefit.

Both children should get the same each. If GPs want to also give to grandchildren, that should be over and above any gifts to the children.

Does OP also expect 2 Christmas gifts snd 2 birthday presents, since parents no doubt gift to grandson?

I disagree. What if her sister had 5 children, would it still be fair that her sister and kids got 6/7 of the total funds and OP got 1/7?

Yes.

Yes, always fair for each person to get equal.

Definitely not fair for one person alone to get the same as 6 people are sharing.

(All based on the gifter wanting to gift to them all).

Yes. The parents are treating every adult as a separate person. A grandchild is ‘worth’ the same as a child. The parents love every individual equally.

Not sure I agree with this. Historically, in our family, the first partner to die usually leaves £5-10k to each GC and the balance to surviving partner, who then also leaves £5-10k to each GC and what's left is split between direct offspring. They can then gift more in the future if they want to (uni, house deposits, etc). We've never needed care home fees but expect that will change one day.

I think it's fine, if it's what the gifter wants, to give different amounts to grandchildren than to children.

But what OP actually wants if for her to get more than her sibling, which isn't fair.

So if we assume £3k - OP wants £1.5k all to herself, and then her sibling and her nephew to have £1.5k shared between them. That's not treating OP and her sibling equally or fairly.

If the gifter wants children to have more than grandchildren (not unreasonable) then a split such as children £1.25k each, grandchild £500 would be perfectly fair - as the two siblings are still getting the same.

In the particular instance the OP has described, her parents clearly want to give the same to the GC as the children - so £1k, £1k, £1k is the fairest way to do that.

Basically, it's not reasonable for one sibling to be expected to share her portion with others. So whatever Sibling A gets, Sibling B should get. And anything that the gifter wants to give to their grandchildren should be over an above that, regardless of who their parent is.

Just be thankful you are getting something, my parents give their £3k allowance straight to my adult kids; I don’t get anything. Their reasoning is that my house is fully paid for whilst my kids have big mortgages.
Good job I love them or I could have a big sulk. 🤣