Child Protection Services...advice needed please

[lessofme]

My estranged sister has dropped a bit of a bombshell on me. She's alleging my mother physically abused her as a child and has contacted the police. She thinks she deserves to go to prison.

I had a phonecall today from the CPS asking if I could make a statement. I refused point blank to answer any quastions/ give any information as I really do not want any involvement in this(my sister told me she was about to do this and I begged her not to).

The CPS put quite a lot of pressure on me on the phone saying they needed evidence to corroberate her story etc. I asked if I HAD to give a statement and she said no. I said in that case I have nothing to say to you and hung up the phone.

My question is this- if this does end up in court can I be supenered to appear/give evidence against my mother even if I haven't made a statement. Can the police make me speak to them?

I am really worried about this. I think a number of my family are going to be dragged into this and it could turn very messy.

I'd REALLY appreciate any advice you could give. I'm going to call the CAB tomorrow.

I understand all your point of views. I have just noticed 12 texts from my sister- very hurt and angry with me and I do feel bad but my family must come first.

If this was happening 20 years ago I probably would have helped her but I really don't see the point now. I will think about what all of you have said. It's good to hear other peoples point of view.

I spoke to my dad- he's on holiday at the moment and he said he won't say anything against my mum aither- that he can't remember anything.

I'm off to bed now- not that I think I'll sleep much. Thanks again.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I was badly physically abused by my Mum when I was younger. To my knowledge, I was the only one out of the whole family. I ended up being brought into care (quite a shock to someone from what would be regarded from the outside as coming from a privileged family). I told social services about the abuse, but my mother denied it, and belittled me by laughing at it, saying I was making it up for attention. As a mental health professional everyone believed her.

My siblings witnessed the abuse (I was knocked unconscious, she smashed my head against the wall repeatedly, jumped on my back, repeatedly kicked me whilst I was in a foetal position). I asked them to confirm to social services what they had witnessed, but they refused out of probably feelings of self preservation and loyalty to my mother.

I imagine your sister really needs your support to help her get someone to believe that this happened.

I can also understand your position - I am now grown up, in a happy life, and still to this day find it really traumatic to think about what happened - replying to this post will probably resurrect memories for the next week or so.

Even so, I would be inclined to make the statement.

"I do feel bad but my family must come first."

But lessofme you haven't given any reasons why it would be better for your family if you don't do this - it's been all about you and your feelings.

I would urge you to consider your sister's feelings - not only abused by your mother but also now being refused help by you.

Your sister, if she wasa bused, needs someone to say that it did happen. She has probably been told all her life she is exaggerating, making things up, being oversensitive, etc etc and she isn't even clear herself what is acceptable or not. It's obviously up to you what you do but morally you should tell the truth. Someone has to.

Morning. The reason it would be best for my family is mentally I think it would tip me over the edge. I am being treated for PND and just beginning to feel better. I think I may have a breakdown and this wouldn't be fair on DH or the DDs. We have had a very traumatic 6 months. My grandad died recently- my nan had a heart attack the same day. I had a terrible birth with DD2 with severe blood loss and anaemia for 4 months. She has been in and out of hospital several times. I just want some peace- to live my life as happily as I can and not remember all of the past. It was so long ago my memories are very vague now.

Also, my sister sent a message to see she will not rest til my mum and dad pay for what they did. She seems to think he is guilty too although he never abused us like she did.

lessofme, I accept that this is very difficult for you, but I think you know that telling the truth is the right thing to do. Would it be possible to talk to your doctor about getting some extra support?

Sorry deam I can't. I love my dad very much and we are very close. I will take no part in trying to hurt him. Yes- he should have done something years ago to protect us but I think he knows that. I've talked to him about it before. I'm worried that if this goes to court my sister will fabricate things about my dad in order to hurt him, IYKWIM.

If everyone round her is engaged in covering up the truth, I think it's more likely to push her into punishing the family. A conspiracy of silence is unjust.

I am bloody shocked that you won't stand by your sister and tell the truth because you don;t want to hurt your family!!

Do you not think that some of your problems are because you have never got closure on this?

I am asking from the point of view of someone who was physically abused and am still not over it - I have had years of counselling and believe me ignoring it thinking life is dandy doesn't work - clear the slate and then things will be better for you.

As for not hurting your dad - mine stood by when my stepmonster was abusing my sister and I find him as responsible as her, he may as well have been brandishing the carpet beater along with her for not protecting us. It is very well to say that your dad realises in hindsight that he should have done something but that doesn't make him standing by not doing anything right!

You have to do what is morally right.

i agree with Renaissancewoman, i dont think a prison sentence would be given if the abuse was not of the level that you/your sister were hospitalised/had broken bones etc(sadly)

I can understand your position(really i can), but in your sisters shoes, its seems that even after all these years, she has needed someone to believe her, to say yes it did happen, hence her anger.

What DID you father do?, did he also hurt you or did he just allow your mother to hurt you?

your sister obviosly feels very let down and helpless, shes trying to sort it out in her head and make sure justice is served..i do think if i were you i would HAVE to say what happend, dont be lead to agree with sister, just give your turn of events and if asked about your father you can say what you know and let them know your ssiters version is not one that you saw.

Good luck

I think you are being very unfair to your sister, colluding in a cover-up and blaming her for being messed up by what happened. Just because you've managed to sort your own life out doesn't mean it's unreasonable for your sister to be struggling, or to want justice. You should do what's right - get all the support you need to do it but please don't leave your sister swinging in the wind.

Edam I don't think the OP has managed to sort out her own life - to me it looks as though these things are still affecting her - just doesn't realise it!

Very possibly.

i think some people are being a bit harsh here. Remember the OP is the victim too and has dealt with it as best she can - her way. i think if she came looking for advice about whether to instigater criminal proceedings no-body would be telling her it was something she must do. we would be saying she must do what is best for her own emotional well being.

I did only come on here for advice on my legal position not to be hounded. Twinkie- did you go to court ?

I do sympathise with OP who has clearly had a bloody awful time. Just seems very wrong to refuse to tell the truth when asked.

in my post i was trying to express that your mum prob wouldnt have a sentence of any kind and that it (albeit stressfull at the time) would also be a weight off your shoulders?[

No I just don't have anything to do with them anymore - nothing was going to come out of me dragging them to court although if my sister had asked me I would have jumped to her aid to be honest - she was a victim and protecting the perpetrator would have beem wrong.

WHat sort of abuse would you give a statement about - if it was sexual abuse would that have made a difference - soryy am just trying to figure out why you are so keen to protect the criminals here.

If any of your family questions your motives it is easy just to say that you are telling the truth - no one can castigate you for doing that.

I did find that after the therapy I had many options as to whether I should press charges or confront them but as your dad does my dad knows what he has done wrong and he is living with that everyday - but it did and does effect me - I have to think very carefully how I react to my children and other people in volatile situations - I was taught to hit first (as my parents did and often) and think later - I do think it has made me a more caring individual and a better parent but that is only after a hell of a lot of hard work and support from other members of my family and DH.

it is a horrendous situation. I just feel that when you've survived that you have earned the right to put yourself firt. I hope the advice you have got from the 'legally people' here helps you make your decision.

Twinkie I don't see how you can judge me when you say "nothing was going to come out of dragging them to court". That it exactly how I feel. I am not protecting my mother. There is no love lost between us believe me.

Yes, sexual abuse would have been different. If someone does that they are likely to continue doing it and should be in prison. My mums violence was never unleashed outside of the family.

she was saying she didnt feel they would be anything to come out of it, in her own experience, not in your situation.

If my sister asked me though I would be there fighting her corner, she is having horrendous problems after all she has been through hasn't dealt with it as well as me and believe me it has taken years of therapy, one failed marriage, anti-depressants galore and a suicide attempt.

We are also estranged because I can't deal with the way she is but I fear this is a result of the abuse she has suffered - she is just too toxic as a result of it to be around my kids - but I would be happy to stand up in court for her!

I hope no-one's judging you as such, lessofme. I don't think you are a bad person for not wanting this raked up and I feel for you. But I think telling the truth when asked is ultimately the right thing to do.

I understand how you feel but would ask you to think hard for a couple of reasons. It can't have been easy for your sister to approach you - she is obv desperate to have some closure.

In the long term it would very likely benefit you too to be honest. My mother had a very difficult childhood but never dealt with it and it is really affecting her now. She suffers from depression and panic attacks and has no self esteem.

If you do speak up it could make you stronger in the end.

Yes, I hear what you're all saying. My dad is on holiday for 2 weeks so I'm going to talk to him when he gets back. I don't think I'm being selfish for protecting the people I love. There has been so much hurt over the years I just fail to see what benefit can come of this. I don't even think it will make my sister any better long term.