How to move/buy house with a DP - feeling really stuck

[MQu]

i am feeling quite stuck and down about this situation and would appreciate some gentle and wise counsel.

(NB I live in the north, and these figures are going to be much smaller than we often see on MN!).

I, 45F, owe my house outright. It’s worth about £150k and I have savings of about £20k.

Been with DP (M51) for 10 years. He moved in with me and never paid rent. This was my choice as a) I was on a good salary and didn’t need the money, and b) after my relationship with exDP ended I didn’t want a man having any kind of claim on my house.
I now work for a charity and earn much less than I was, £30k, but love my job.

DP bought a house 5 years ago so he had some financial security and asset). He rents it out but still pays some of the mortgage on it each month. He has about £50k equity in it. He has zero savings having just completed a PhD. He works pt (making about the same as ft me, possibly a bit less) and is trying to get back on his feet financially, whilst still working on the academic side.

The problem is, we both want to move house. We would like to move to a smaller house and out of this city. We’re looking at least £145k for where we’d like to move, realistically £250k.

Im just not sure what to do. I’m very reluctant to go in financially with DP. And I don’t want to take on a large mortgage, which we’d need if DP was to match my investment.
Previously the plan was for DP to buy alone at the lower end and I could rent my house for a few years. That is not on the cards now as DP struggles to see what his future looks like in terms of jobs. He thinks given his age a new mortgage would be problematic.

What should I do? This situation is getting me down.

What about this:

Purchase a new house as tenants in common. All purchasing costs shared and selling costs you pay your own

You put in £150k
He puts in £50k
Mortgage of £50k shared

You own 70%
He owns 30%

Either this or don't buy together. I think you'd be better with a lodger though.

Thanks @JoyousPinkPeer this is the kind of model I go round and round with (although with him paying the mortgage and owning 40%).

The problem is if we split up it’d be a mess. Even worse is, we don’t split up but he can’t pay the mortgage for whatever reason and I have to.

Would you say a bit more about the lodger idea? Really doesn’t appeal unless it’s one of our lovely nieces, all of who are a few years off leaving home.

You have been together 10 years, at your age it is time to make mature choices regarding money and relationships. Either get married and all your income and assets are shared, or live on your own and have a boyfriend. This is not a partnership.

The fact that you have these doubts indicates to me that you DO NOT buy with him and DO NOT mix finances

I don’t think there is a good way to do this @MQu . @DragonFly98 talked about making mature choices, but the problem is I think you are. What you say about your DP not knowing what his work future looks like is the important point, you are financially secure and sensibly don’t want to put that at risk (for which I applaud you, I wish more women were this sensible) but he isn’t secure and basically you would be subsidising him to some extent, and carrying him entirely if he can’t afford the mortgage now or in the future.

Personally I would protect your peace, but recognise it may be the end of your relationship. How would you feel about that?

Thank you @Keepingthingsinteresting i think you and @sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 are both right.
I would feel a bit “free” to move my life forward, because I have been waiting ages for DP to finish. This has given me time to get my head around moving (before I was always the reluctant one) but I do feel a bit held back.
mum not sure it would end the relationship, we’d just be living together in a different house.
I suppose I was hoping for a break from always being the one to worry about the latest DIY or the roof replacement or the blown-down fence panels 😁. Thats probably just me being silly though.

Perhaps it would mean we’d have to split up or live separately.

Could you rent your house out and then rent somewhere together?

£50k isn't really a big mortgage. Probably only a few hundred a month. Not sure what the issue is.

That’s something I hadn’t considered, and I don’t want to dismiss it out of hand.

I have been mortgage-free for a few years, and the sense of safety and freedom is really important to me. But, I would consider a small mortgage on a house I owned on my own.

No don't get married you'd potentially lose half your equity.

I’m in a similar situation to you OP and it’s hard. I think it’s a good thing that your DP has his own investment property as it means that he’s thinking about future security. Is he working pt to increase his earning potential in the future? I don’t agree with the poster who basically thinks people should be financially ‘all in’ or it’s not a REAL relationship. It’s sensible to protect your assets. Tenants in common is a practical solution if you must buy together

Agreed!

You'd be better off either him being a lodger (he's currently a lodger but paying no rent and therefore has got a nice income due to you, as he's living at yours "for free") or getting yourself a dufferent lodger either at current house or new house.

You need a legal agreement regarding you gaining additional % if you have to pay the mortgage.

He needs to get his act together and get a full time job - tbh he should be thinking of retirement shortly!

You can do 'living apart together'. It's a thing. I would be very reluctant to give up my space and financial security for anyone now.

Thank you 🙏 🙏.

He should have greater earning potential, if only by going full time. But I don’t want him to return to a stressful vocation full time and be unhappy, just for the sake of money. Perhaps being a poor professor would be better for him?
What do you think you will do? Or is it not decision time yet?

If he were a new boyfriend I’d probably go this route. 10 years ago I thought we needed to live together, or it felt too casual. Now I’m menopausal it sounds quite attractive.

You need a legal agreement regarding you gaining additional % if you have to pay the mortgage.

Its not so much that, as having to have a mortgage again.

He needs to get his act together and get a full time job - tbh he should be thinking of retirement shortly!

Im not sure that’s fair. Playing Devil’s Advocate, why should he? He has no responsibilities he’s not already living up to.

Then why bother at all, if you have doubts after 10 years what’s the point?

I’m a similar age to you and my mortgage is paid. He doesn’t own any property and like your DP changing his career in his late 40s. I’m going to see where we are in a couple of years. If he’s saved a decent amount of money in the next two and willing to get a mortgage then I’d buy with him as tenants in common. Otherwise I’ll get a bigger house and take out a mortgage I can comfortably afford on my own and he can pay rent. It all sounds very unromantic but I’ve been burned before buying with a financially unstable man

With respect that's because he's living in your house rent free.

Thank you @BeLimeTiger its so helpful to hear from people in similar positions.

Well, DP had obviously been thinking about this to, and we had a good chat. He’s suggested we give his tenant notice, move in to his and rent mine out. We’re going to think about it for a couple of weeks.

Just be careful.of renting your property and capital gains tax implications if you then decide to sell it