Concerned for friend's spending habits...

[Mintoi]

Me and DH are friends with another couple call them Ellie and Liam. We've known each other about 20 years so it's fair to say we know a lot about each other. Over that time though, DH has always found out a lot more through Liam than I find out through Ellie.
Ellie is lovely and I care for her a great deal but I've always known she's extremely self conscious and worried about how she appears and what everyone else is doing.
Over the space of the last 5 years Liam has often told my DH that Ellie has a bit of a spending habit, but what she tells me is more "look what I bought/we're going on holiday!" type thing, so I have always shown interest and acted impressed, which is I know what she wants.

Anyway, Liam has now told my husband that they're in debt and Ellie's spending is out of control. He's told my DH that she's spent so much money that they now don't own anything, their cars are leased (nice cars) and all their brand new furniture is either on credit or on the credit card.
This news was not a surprise to me as I had guessed they were overstretching a bit, but I am now finding it very hard to act impressed when she tells me what she's bought next. Instead I want to try and encourage her to pull back a bit, try and get her to relax and not feel she has to "keep up" type thing, but it's very hard to say I know what's going on without dobbing Liam in...

WWYD?

Suggest she looks on FB marketplace or Freecycle for furniture being given away,

You do nothing. This is none of your business. Sad but true. Good that your husband’s friend is opening up to him but just lend an ear. Beware that the conversation was not a pre-amble to lend them money, have that conversation with your husband now. I would refuse to let them spend any money on me though, iykwim. Pay for yourself when eating out, equal rounds at the pub, etc.

How good friends are you though? If this was one of my mates I’d be on the phone straight away, what the fuck? What’s going on? Etc

I really want to help her. It's actually giving me anxiety the thought of them properly getting into difficulties and how awful that would be. It's actually constantly in the back on my mind. I think it's because I know my friend is self conscious and I know it's so important to her to appear a certain way, so I just don't have the heart to burst her bubble if that makes sense?
But it's getting to the point where I want to say I'm worried, because from what Liam tells my DH, her spending is out of control.

I had an almost identical situation some years age.

Sadly the friend called me when it had all imploded, they were in a real mess.

My husband helped them get straight (in banking).

it was OK for a couple of years and then it all started again, she bought a dog and paid a dog walker FFS, then it was the holidays and clothes again, she really couldn’t help herself.

It ended in divorce.

Her husband should have taken control of the finances before they got in the position that they are in, if she cannot control her spending and she is spending his money aswell then he needs to stop her access to this money at least until some of the debts are paid off

Could you tell her you are doing an no spend / low spend February and March and did she want to join you in the challenge

Get your DH to ask Liam what the two of you could do to help.

Cut off the oxygen of validating her spending. Give reasons why it doesn't impress you:

• "I'm not sure I could justify that myself, with the cost of living and focusing on getting our finances sustainable for retirement"
• "We've decided not to buy landfill, as we want our DCs to have a liveable planet."
• "Well, if that makes you feel better... but it's not for us."

I want to make it clear to her I feel she's overspending. I might try and talk about "someone" at work who has been spending too much and they ended up getting in trouble.
I did test the waters a while ago and spoke about a family member of ours (cousins husband) who has recently admitted he's got thousands of pounds of debt and she changed the subject straight away.

I dunno how to get through to her because I think it's a real problem now and she has her defendes up. I would have to literally come out with it and it might cause I'll feeling

“so I have always shown interest and acted impressed, which is I know what she wants.”

Well, you shouldn’t have been doing this and you need to stop it now, as you are currently part of the problem.

Not your money not your problem unfortunately.

Do you hang out with them and spend money? Go for dinner etc? You could start with that, saying things are tight and can we just get takeaway/have frozen pizza at home etc rather than going out. Then maybe broach that you are trying to cut back because of whatever reason. Even if it’s not strictly true, it might make her open up a bit. If she mentions holiday/ car/furniture then you can say oh I’d love that but we just can’t afford it right now. Or we’re saving up for x holiday next year or to pay off the car. Obviously depends on your own financial situation how far you can go with that.

I would just say to her you're buying an awful lot of things, how can you afford it?

Honestly, I wouldn't get directly involved OP - it's likely she will take it badly or act defensive. You won't be thanked for your concern, especially if she is doing it for validation/ self esteem reasons.

Just be less interested/ enthusiastic and change the subject. There's not much you can do to help someone like this.

I agree, her dh needs to take control. Maybe your dh can advise? Cancel cards, send a car back. Contact cab for advice etc.

The only thing you can do is stop ‘acting impressed’. I presume that Liam told your DH this in confidence and also it’s no one else’s business but theirs until they specifically ask for help/advice. You are at risk of giving unsolicited advice and spoiling your friendship.

We have had this with our friends of
25 years, longer for my husband and his friend. Constantly over spending and re mortgage to pay off etc. both have great jobs just spend too much. Didn’t say anything and then ask us for 40k as a loan. This was 5 years ago and they stopped paying us back after 15k. The friendship is no longer & it’s sad. My husbands best friend and treated him so badly. Anyway the moral
of this do not lend them money. Wish we hadn’t as it’s only ruined the friendship.

Keep out of it it's up to her husband to deal with it , he either financially cuts her off and forces her to get help for her addiction or he shuts up moaning and waits for the house of cards to come crashing down.
As you can tell I have very little sympathy for people who constantly winge about the same thing yet do nothing about it.
It's not your place to bring it up nor is it your business and trust me you won't get any thanks from either of them for getting involved

I would completely mind my own business, unless Ellie talked to me about it personally and asked for my advice.

I will mind my own business. But I will also try and act less impressed, and instead make a bit of a joke like "oo I wish I could part with money that easily, I'm a bit of a saver these days" maybe that'll help a little!?

Definitely act less impressed but perhaps tell her material things about her don't impress her, the only thing that does is that she is a good friend. And you are there for her rich or poor.

I think a lot of families do this, I reckon you'd be surprised how much debt/credit people use (we ourselves lease one of our cars because it's nicer than we could buy up front and I'd say we were sensible with money)!

I'd try and change the "what impresses me" narrative, tell her what amazing bargains you found on vinted, or how you're trying to buy less for the environment, or how you're saving. I wouldn't comment on her actual spending, it's not your business and she won't take it well anyway. I do think you can casually drop in your own money saving or money worries to make her feel less like she needs to show off to people.