Avoiding disparity

[Ifeelfat]

Child A very bright gets scholarship to independent school for 6th form. First year effectively free. Family then inherited £x amount so second year cost £40k. Child A goes on to Oxbridge and has full maintenance loan with fees loan for 4 years, expected debt after 4 years in the region of £90k. Never seems to have any money!

Child B, average academically, decides not to go to uni. Gets a job in retail and lives at home rent free. No desire to leave home yet. Doesn’t know what they want to do more long term but “might go travelling.” No debt obviously but earning potential lower obviously. Lives quite well.

DP and I have been discussing whether there’s an unfair disparity here due to school fees paid.
What do you think?
If you believe there is, does it need to be addressed?

No, as this 'difference' has been made up by offering free accommodation to child B.

BTW, don't assume Oxbridge automatically leads to well-paid jobs. Perfectly possible they will have an average income.

I would tell child B to learn a skill, if only for their own benefit. Retail can be a precarious career.

I’m not sure you can know as yet as you don’t know if child A will live at home after graduating. Do they spend about half a year there now?

@jayritchie no they spend very little time here as they hate the area. They try to travel as much as possible and wouldn’t consider moving back home.

Doesn’t seem problematic to me. Presumably you would have supported B’s education if he wanted that.

Which one of them is complaining? And what is their proposed redress?

So effectively, you want child A to pay for their private education that you chose for them whilst they were still a minor? Not reasonable.

I think it might be a nice idea to tell child B you can help fund their training in something, given the additional funding you put towards child As education. They don’t need to know the sums.

This might help them to take the leap and engage in some sort of further education leading towards a career (even if post travelling).

Go, that’s such a tough one. Just re-read your OP. Is my understanding reasonable:

• child A got scholarship to an expensive school which was means based. The family wouldn’t have been able to reasonably pay n the fees were it not for the scholarship.
• subsequently the family inherited an amount of money which left them liable to pay for the second year the school. It wasn’t reasonable to withdraw the child at that point.
• as a guess- had the inheritance been known about prior to applying or received earlier and a two year cost of £80k been required for the school the child wouldn’t have attended?
• given that child A received full loans for university the family is lowish income?

@jayritchie yes all your assumptions spot on.

@MidnightPatrol yes thinking of having this conversation.

and @mrsm43s thank you for this, although child chose school themselves and worked to achieve being accepted at 6th form. Nothing to do with us, so…not sure how you think we’re expecting them to pay for anything?

It’s not clear what the disparity is, who has raised the issue or how you’re thinking of resolving it. Presumably you did the best you could financially and otherwise to meet each child’s needs and dreams at the time. I think you may need to draw a line around the past and instead look to the future.

Does child B feel they can’t compete academically with “golden” child A, and has therefore “clocked off” from education? Whilst child B is still living with you, I wonder if you might use the opportunity to really encourage them to engage with their future, be it further education or skills, management training, increasing confidence and independence, taking up a new hobby/sport etc.

@julia08 thanks. Neither dc has commented on any disparity, it’s just that I instinctively feel there is one, that dc2 has missed out.
I think it must be very difficult having a very clever sibling, and yes I try to boost dc2’s confidence at every opportunity.
I actually think they will probably have a much happier life than their sibling as they have so many more social skills, and perhaps happiness and contentment in the end is what we all aspire to?

Nope. He was a minor, and therefore the decision was not his to make, and you, the adult parents ultimately made the decision to send him to private school and the cost of that falls to you. Fabulous that he worked so hard to make sure he made the most of the opportunity that you chose for him, he sounds like a great young man.

If you take the amount of his school fees out of the money/support/ inheritance that you would otherwise have given him, then effectively you're making him pay for his education. Unless that was the agreement you made with him at the time (and he was over 18 and able to legally agree to it) then it's not fair for you to change the goal posts.

There is no disparity that I can see. Presumably if your other DC wanted help with education or training costs, you would also pay for/towards them.

Perhaps it was unwise of you to choose to send one child and not the other to private school, but you can't make that decision and then after the fact try to recharge that amount (directly or indirectly) to the child.

No need to do anything yet but be prepared to offer help if DC 2 wants to do some training /education/buy work equipment in the future.