Page 2 | How to split the bills - not married?

Soooooooverthisnow · 2024-12-31T22:01:54+00:00

What is a fair way to split bills here? I would appreciate your views. Together 9 years. Not married. 1DC (6). I take home £3,800. Partner £1,800. Mortgage is £1,000 - I am purposely not married and want to keep paying this myself, house is in my name only. Other bills (utilities, childcare, food etc) c. £1,000 (probably an underestimate) Car including fuel £200 (ish per month if I average out the annual costs), partner doesn't drive but benefits from me doing all the driving. I then have about £500 of my own bills (credit card, contact lenses, life insurance, mounjaro jabs etc). I currently save £500 a month (inc £100 for DC). Partner doesn't save. I don't know if we should be looking at this proportionate to take home pay, or to be both left with similar amounts each month, before or after savings? Then how do you split the other things like meals out and holidays? At the moment I am paying for everything and am skint every month and partner seems to have loads of cash for going out and it's pissing me off. I don't want to approach the subject until I have some options to present. I don't think starting off a conversation with a blank sheet of paper will get us to any kind of agreement. Thanks in advance

caringcarer · 01/01/2025 09:57

Cupofcoffeee · 01/01/2025 08:49

Mortgage is £1,000 - I am purposely not married and want to keep paying this myself, house is in my name only. You pay this

Other bills (utilities, childcare, food etc) c. £1,000 (probably an underestimate) you go halves. Why is he not paying for this? He's using the utilities and eating the food and his child is the one in childcare. He needs to pay half of all shared bills.

Car including fuel £200 (ish per month if I average out the annual costs), partner doesn't drive but benefits from me doing all the driving. You pay this

I then have about £500 of my own bills (credit card, contact lenses, life insurance, mounjaro jabs etc). You pay this

Edited

I agree with this. Your partner should pay his half of shared bills like electric, gas, water, childcare, food and council tax as if did not live there you would be paying less and he'd have to pay to live somewhere. You need to look at recent bills to give a realistic figure £1k seems cheap. Keep paying the mortgage and car yourself. You save for DC as he earns less than you. Go halves on things like Xmas and holidays.

Pineapplewaves · 01/01/2025 10:26

Cupofcoffeee · 01/01/2025 08:49

Mortgage is £1,000 - I am purposely not married and want to keep paying this myself, house is in my name only. You pay this

Other bills (utilities, childcare, food etc) c. £1,000 (probably an underestimate) you go halves. Why is he not paying for this? He's using the utilities and eating the food and his child is the one in childcare. He needs to pay half of all shared bills.

Car including fuel £200 (ish per month if I average out the annual costs), partner doesn't drive but benefits from me doing all the driving. You pay this

I then have about £500 of my own bills (credit card, contact lenses, life insurance, mounjaro jabs etc). You pay this

Edited

Completely agree with this.

rumred · 01/01/2025 10:30

50 50 is fair, all bills for serviceyou both benefit from. Ridiculous him not paying, is he a teenager??

Quitelikeit · 01/01/2025 10:33

Well he seen you coming

Ask for £800 a month if he says no let him move out and see how much it costs to run his own place - after he pays your maintenance and his own bills he’ll soon be crying into his (Aldi) corn flakes

BlueSilverCats · 01/01/2025 10:35

So he pays nothing at the moment?

Options

1.He pays half of shared bills and half the petrol money as he benefits from it.

You put 2000 in a shared pot, he puts 1000 and all household expenses come out of there(you will need accurate amounts for this so you're not left short). You both keep £800 for play/fun money. The remaining £1000 from your wage gets split in half between the two of you or it goes into savings for holidays, Christmas ,birthdays , emergencies etc.

You put both wages into one shared account(cards for both) and use it for everything (except mortgage).

You split all expenditure (except mortgage) by percentage.

You keep paying for everything, but he pays for everything else child or family related.

BusyPoster · 01/01/2025 10:37

You each pay personal bills
You pay your mortgage and any house maintenance costs.
Spit child related and food costs 50/50
Split household bills 50/50
You pay for car related expenses and he gives you an amount you think is fair towards petrol and lifts etc.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/01/2025 10:39

I'd go 50/50 on shared bills, nights out, holidays etc.
He is living 'rent free' so this seems fair.
He needs to look for a higher paid job realistically.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2025 10:39

Actually - from your numbers, if you put it all in a joint pot - paid all joint from that (not the house or savings because that's just yours) and split the rest equally in half - you would be WORSE off op.

As per your figures, you're currently choosing how to spend £2k of the income (£1k mortgage, £500 savings, £500 your stuff) and they are choosing how to spend £1.8k of the income (frivolously but that's their choice). You are choosing to live for the future, they are choosing to live for the now.

There's actually only £1k of stuff in your op that needs splitting and you earn £2k more than them.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2025 10:40

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/01/2025 10:39

I'd go 50/50 on shared bills, nights out, holidays etc.
He is living 'rent free' so this seems fair.
He needs to look for a higher paid job realistically.

Remember he might be on a part time wage due to childcare. The op hasn't detailed that.

DaisyChain505 · 01/01/2025 10:49

If a man had written this post people would be jumping on them straight away saying they’re a scumbag for not wanting to get married because they earn more money and own the house and that they’re financially abusing their partner who earns considerably less.

if you’re in a loving committed family unit, money is put into one pot to pay bills, you’re both sent the same amount to personal accounts to spend as fun money and whatever is left over is put into joint savings.

what’s the point of committing you life to someone and having a child with them if you’re thinking about how you can protect your money from them! You’re a family unit, you should want the best for you all as a whole.

BlueSilverCats · 01/01/2025 10:58

DaisyChain505 · 01/01/2025 10:49

If a man had written this post people would be jumping on them straight away saying they’re a scumbag for not wanting to get married because they earn more money and own the house and that they’re financially abusing their partner who earns considerably less.

if you’re in a loving committed family unit, money is put into one pot to pay bills, you’re both sent the same amount to personal accounts to spend as fun money and whatever is left over is put into joint savings.

what’s the point of committing you life to someone and having a child with them if you’re thinking about how you can protect your money from them! You’re a family unit, you should want the best for you all as a whole.

Not if he paid for ALL bills and the female partner kept all her money to herself.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/01/2025 11:14

What do you think op, after reading responses?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2025 11:24

Not if he paid for ALL bills and the female partner kept all her money to herself.

The op has MORE money left for themselves. £2k vs £1.8k.

OrangutanDaisies · 01/01/2025 11:56

DaisyChain505 · 01/01/2025 10:49

If a man had written this post people would be jumping on them straight away saying they’re a scumbag for not wanting to get married because they earn more money and own the house and that they’re financially abusing their partner who earns considerably less.

if you’re in a loving committed family unit, money is put into one pot to pay bills, you’re both sent the same amount to personal accounts to spend as fun money and whatever is left over is put into joint savings.

what’s the point of committing you life to someone and having a child with them if you’re thinking about how you can protect your money from them! You’re a family unit, you should want the best for you all as a whole.

Yeah and the responses should be different if it was a man. Because most men do considerable less than women in terms of:

pregnancy
child care
cleaning
mental load

And in this case driving.

thatsmymug · 01/01/2025 12:44

Partner pays 50% of the shared bills because he is saving considerably on normal adult living costs with you paying the mortgage as he doesn't have to pay any thing for his housing.
If the car is mostly used for family purposes then all car related costs should be included in shared expenses- it's a family car. You actually carry the burden of being the only driver (regardless of the reasons)
If he's not willingly making a proper financial contribution towards your family then you should really ask yourself why is the point of him being there?

BlueSilverCats · 01/01/2025 12:47

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2025 11:24

Not if he paid for ALL bills and the female partner kept all her money to herself.

The op has MORE money left for themselves. £2k vs £1.8k.

Except some of the money to "herself " also benefit the family, holidays, meals out etc. I bet it's also bdays, xmas and other special occasions. Even without, it still adds up to more than the £200 discrepancy in income.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2025 12:52

Except some of the money to "herself " also benefit the family, holidays, meals out etc. I bet it's also bdays, xmas and other special occasions. Even without, it still adds up to more than the £200 discrepancy in income.

This is where it's both interesting and disingenuous to not disclose the sexes in the op.

Everyone is assuming the op is a woman, and the partner a man.

In this situation it IS relevant to disclose it, as statistically/chances are the woman also takes on more of the child care and where you have written 'I bet it's also birthdays...etc' yes, if the op is a woman. No, if the op is a man you wouldn't bet that.

BlueSilverCats · 01/01/2025 12:55

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2025 12:52

Except some of the money to "herself " also benefit the family, holidays, meals out etc. I bet it's also bdays, xmas and other special occasions. Even without, it still adds up to more than the £200 discrepancy in income.

This is where it's both interesting and disingenuous to not disclose the sexes in the op.

Everyone is assuming the op is a woman, and the partner a man.

In this situation it IS relevant to disclose it, as statistically/chances are the woman also takes on more of the child care and where you have written 'I bet it's also birthdays...etc' yes, if the op is a woman. No, if the op is a man you wouldn't bet that.

Very fair point. I did make an assumption, and obviously extrapolated from that.

Also it would make a difference if the low wage of the partner is due to childcare responsibilities.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2025 12:56

If you reverse the op and assume the female gets £1.8k and her husband £3.8k but house and savings all in his name, you would also assume the female is doing most of the childcare and wife work, and be outraged on her behalf that she's not on the deeds.

But if you assume it's the female on £3.8k, then the default isn't that the 1,8k male is also doing more childcare, but rather that he's not and a cocklodger.

Paradisegained · 01/01/2025 12:58

OrangutanDaisies · 31/12/2024 22:45

One option is:

You pay 68% of shared bills, he pays 32% of the shared bills. As you bring on 68% of the income and he brings in 32%.

This although in your case. I’d pay the mortgage and all of the bills. I’d get him to pay for food and at least 50% of all car and childcare costs. What the hell is he paying and contributing to?

Mockingjay876 · 01/01/2025 13:01

Cupofcoffeee · 01/01/2025 08:49

Mortgage is £1,000 - I am purposely not married and want to keep paying this myself, house is in my name only. You pay this

Other bills (utilities, childcare, food etc) c. £1,000 (probably an underestimate) you go halves. Why is he not paying for this? He's using the utilities and eating the food and his child is the one in childcare. He needs to pay half of all shared bills.

Car including fuel £200 (ish per month if I average out the annual costs), partner doesn't drive but benefits from me doing all the driving. You pay this

I then have about £500 of my own bills (credit card, contact lenses, life insurance, mounjaro jabs etc). You pay this

Edited

This is exactly what I was going to say.

MidnightMeltdown · 01/01/2025 13:36

This whole set up is inherently problematic. Why have you had a child with someone you are not willing to buy a house with?

On one hand, you pay everything and have yourself a cocklodger

On the other hand, you are treating him as a lodger and denying him the opportunity to build any equity in a home.

Is he actually a serious partner or are you just co-parenting out of convenience?

If it's the first, I would be looking to sell and buy a place together that you can both afford and contribute to. If it's the latter then I would just live separately and share custody and childcare.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/01/2025 13:51

Well by your calculation, partner has their entire £1800 income purely for fun money. What an odd set-up

Therealjudgejudy · 01/01/2025 14:43

If he has been sponging off you for so long, why do you suddenly think he is going to contribute now?

The man is a parasite!

SnoopysHoose · 01/01/2025 15:33

What? he contributes not a penny?
Are you daft? he should be paying at least £5/600pm