Should Fiance help with finances

[806mum]

Trying to keep this short. I have a child from previous marriage. My fisnce moved into my house. For years I would buy expensive trips and concerts and experiences for both of us. He was unemployed for 1.5 years and I lent him money and paid for food and supplies without being asked. When I bought my house my son and I lived with my sister to save money to put more down to lower the house payment. Fast forward.. my finance moves in with us. My child’s father abandoned him and now I bear all his expenses 100%.. all his activities, traveling, food, his gas and clothes and gear. My Fiance happily pays his 1/2 of the bills. ($1300) a month which is low bc my child and I sacrificed being without a home to helo
lowed that. My expenses are now 10 times my fisnces. Is it unfair for me to ask him to help out a little more so that I can help cover my child’s expenses? I work 3 jobs and as of late my fisnce has been unemployed for 10 months

I'm sorry but maybe it's different where you live but children don't need cars, insurance and costs of driving funded by their parents. If they're old enough to drive then they should save money from birthdays etc and get a part time job. Unless the parents are financially secure enough to provide this. Which clearly you're not.
Of course your partner should be paying half for all your joint expenses. But is your child owning and maintaing a car his responsibility?

I assume you are in the US and the sport is swimming?

That’s as maybe, but it doesn’t then become the responsibility of an unrelated adult to fund, does it?

the reality is, it sounds like your ds's sport is more than you can afford.
44th at what point will he be sponsored? top 2 vs top 25 and what is the potential payback for him? if he's old enough to drive he should be working pt at the very least to pay some of his expenses?
equally sounds like your "partner" is a fee loader.

44th in America , would that get them a full scholarship? It doesn't sound that high tbh but I suppose it depends on the sport.

Your fiancée is paying more than enough.

He shouldn't even really be paying half as lots of that is for your son.

Your son is your responsibility (and his fathers) not your fiancés.

I'm not sure what some posters are reading.

I also assumed this!

I'm not sure I understand everything perfectly but your fiancé should not be paying for your son's car and hobby related expenses.

He should pay fully his share of the household bills, and personally I think that should be more than 30% but probably not as much as 50%.

He should also pay a market related amount for his for 'rent' which is not a contribution towards the mortgage and should be unrelated to the size of the mortgage payment. Otherwise you are correct that all of your scrimping and saving earlier to reduce the mortgage is now being taken advantage of by this man. He would have to pay rent wherever he lived.

Finally I do not think you should marry this man and my advice here is not necessarily what I would advise in other circumstances where both parties were financially responsible and equal within the relationship. He doesn't sound like a great catch.

So your ex pays 500 dollars a month, your fiancée pays half of the bills for a three person household when your “child” is not his and you’re expecting him to fund more of the expenses? You’re an absolute joker…

He doesn’t need to cover your child. He should be paying his full way in your home. Whatever it would cost him to live independently, he should be contributing at least that much to share your home.

i live in a place where teens have big activities and need to drive to those activities. I understand it isn’t really optional sometimes. The idea that if my child wants to drive she would save her birthday money for lessons is laughable. I gave her a car and lessons when she turned 14 because I needed her to drive for my own sanity. I still wouldn’t expect him to contribute more than his share as he isn’t a parent.

You're a piece of work OP! You ABSOLUTELY CANNOT ask your partner to pay towards YOUR almost adult child's extremely expensive hobby!! If you can't afford this hobby for YOUR child, then HIS dad needs to step up and pay towards it, or your child needs to get himself a part time job to fund it...or he quits! But you cannot in all seriousness expect your partner to pay for this. As long as he's contributing to the household expenses fairly (and it looks like he's paying more than his fair share, as you and your son are two adults in the house, so your DP should really only be contributing a third!) then you really can't ask for more.

Your sons activities are irrelevant OP - he isn't your partners son and doing this activity isn't compulsory or necessary to life - if 'you' can't afford it then your son needs to get a job and fund some of it himself - oh and pay for his car too - as it is he is exceptionally entitled

Good to know, to clarify I am NOT .. asking for help to fund my child’s sport. Ex: I had a huge leak that needed to be repaired. I asked for help and he didn’t contribute. so I guess it’s my fault I scrimped and saved for him to benefit having a cheaper place to live. I did say I do not expect him to carry my load someone asked how my expenses and be so much and I clarified. I have never asked him to pay for my child’s sport, insurance, gas , or food.

It looks like you would be better off saving the money spent on his hobby and using that for college. 44 sounds impressive but it's not elite in any sport.

I agree your shortfall is partially due to overextending yourself on your son’s sport.
But your partner doesn’t seem like much of a life partner either.

Actually I think everyone is right. It’s not fair to him. He can find a $1000 place and rent. This way I won’t feel resentful that the rent he pays isn’t equal to 50% of what market value would be for renting.
yes my son does work to put money towards his hobby.

Paying a bill to repair an asset (your house) over which he has no financial interest is also very unfair imo. By all means charge him rent at a level you think is fair (but be very careful of the legalities. In England, that could potentially give him a stake in your house) but remember he is in a house share with 2 adults, not renting an entire property for himself. The rent should be set with that in mind, not the ‘going rate’ for a whole house.

Agreed which is why it would make more sense to have him get his own place.

If you’re paying 10k+ for camp each year, plus 500 for a suit that doesn’t last longer (must add up to thousands a year) plus a second car, fuel, etc, at what point will you have spent more than he gets in a scholarship?

I appreciate there are other benefits etc but this sounds very expensive, is he likely to get far being ranked 44th in the nation, besides possibly getting a scholarship? If not then I think it’s time for an honest conversation about scaling down or him working to fund a share of the cost.

But how will you afford to make up the rest of the bill payment that he’s currently paying, if you’re struggling now? Sounds like you’re playing martyr and cutting off your nose to spite your face.

If you don't like him op, which you don't seem to unless you're generally just bitter, you don't have to be in a relationship with him, it isn't compulsory.

If it is swimming, that 45th in one event of 16. No mean feat at all if it's swimming and the US so well done to him, that's awesome, but you seem to be paying a very heavy price for this.

If your child is old enough To drive then old enough to get a job as well as contribute

44th to me doesn't sound that high - sorry - if you are struggling to pay for it all

Is it going to pay in years for a career in this activity ?

Bf shouldn't pay for your child's activity but should pay towards bills

Your son's hobby is not for your fiance to support financially. Nor is his car.

Your fiance is not responsible for financially supporting your son, who must be approaching adulthood if he drives?

Does the camp plus car expenses cost more than a year at college ? Then paying for college rather than spending more on the sport is surely the answer ?

Yabu to expect your partner to pay 50% of the rental price of your home rather than 50% of what it actually costs. It must be very difficult raising the money for the sport but it is a choice that you’ve made and your partner shouldn’t be resented or punished for it. Kicking him out will stop the resentment but you’ll have to find extra money if partner doesn’t use 50% or more of the bills so you could be in bigger financial trouble.