Depending on my husband for money

[Mumsworld112]

I am a SAHM to my 9 month old twin boys. I have loved this so far and the boys are doing really well (they were preemie NICU babies).

I have worked full time prior to this all of my life and my husband now handles all the bills and expenses. If I need anything he will get it for me and is very easy going with money as he says it’s ours not his.

Ideally I would like to be a SAHM until they’re 2 years old and then go back part time but I feel guilt in living off my husband. I am so used to earning my own money and I know I have a huge job at home too, but I don’t know why I feel bad putting all of the burden on him (we’re doing fine bills wise etc.)
Does anyone else feel like this?

This comes up a lot, so will find other threads with lots of good advice via the search function.
However the reason you feel uncomfortable is this: 'If I need anything he will get it for me' - it's a form of 'gatekeeping' isn't it?

You shouldn't need to ask for stuff and have him provide it in this way.

Open a joint account and have him pay in enough monthly for your on-going expenses as a family, together with some for your personal expenses too, if you don't have any income of your own.

Yes, you should have a card for a joint account that you can spend freely from.

Having to ask is infantilising, and you will inevitably end up self-moderating what you ask for.

If you don't have a joint bank account, then surely the easiest thing would be to open one, or for him to transfer money into your account regularly.

I’m a sahm and I won’t be happy with this. We have a joint account for family thing (this includes things like coffee at soft play) and we have the same amount of ‘pocket money’ going into our individual accounts for clothes, hair cuts, going out with friends.

How wonderful that you have this special time at home with your littles, especially after a trickier start. I’m quite traditional in feeling that when you get married, ‘what’s mine is yours’. This cuts both ways - e.g. I have received some inheritance, I believe it’s ‘ours’ not ‘mine’. But my husband is currently the main earner - but we see his salary as our household income, not just his. I do recognise I’m in a privileged position of being married to someone on the same page in that regard.

So, I feel your husband is right, it’s not his money, it’s the both of yours. He sounds like a good egg. You’re doing the most incredibly important job in the world - you’ve effectively had a huge promotion to mum, and you have many more responsibilities now. You’re contributing to your family just as much as he is, there’s just no way of quantifying it with a pay check. I completely understand that feeling of feeling like you’re placing the burden on him- it’s because you sound like a kind and caring person. But this is just the phase of life you’re in, you’re both contributing to your family. There may be times in the future when you earn more than your other half, or he’s not in work etc, and he may feel the same thing as you are now. My husband and I have totally joint accounts and we split everything. Even though I don’t have kids yet I completely understand the feeling of being a burden as I’m currently earning less than him and it’s really thrown me to be the one bringing in less (I was previously the higher earner). It’s funny how much our worth gets tied up in what we can monetarily contribute when there are so many more factors in a partnership.

I’d chat with your DH, tell him how you’re feeling and maybe even review together how you organise your money in accounts etc - it might make you feel less like you’re using ‘his’ money if it’s coming out of a joint account. And your maternity pay/allowance could go in there too. Just some ideas, others may completely disagree!

This is probably the fairest sort of set up.

But what you also have to remember, which it does sound like he appreciates, is that he's depending on you to provide full time childcare for infant twins, plus I expect that you do most other things that need doing at home so laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking and general household management such as being available for deliveries, boiler service etc.

If you were working you'd be spending more than most people earn on childcare every month plus he'd have to do a lot more at home or you'd likely need to buy in more help and all that is jointly his responsibility.

You need access to money that you can spend freely without having to justify your purchases. Obviously the amount depends on your joint financial circumstances - if you were spending thousands on clothes while being just "financially comfortable", then that would be an issue - but if you're reasonably well off, you shouldn't be asking if you want to take the boys somewhere or have a haircut or occasional lunch out.

I’m a SAHM and I have access to everything, my name is on everything excpet for DH’s premium bonds account. You shouldn’t need to ask for anything. Joint accounts and joint savings accounts and make sure you are keeping up any pension contributions etc.

It’s also more practical, I pay bills as they come in, he pays others but it means we are both able to do household admin and if I need to make a big purchase I can go ahead and do that without waiting on him.

Yes, unless you've previously put a lot of money into your pension, this should be regarded as an essential bill if you can afford it. Even when not earning you can put around £3k pa into your pension.

We always did it so joint for bills, joint for fun and then individual accounts to either spend or save DH transfered over to me. It was important to us both we both had some autonomy over our own money

I would be reluctant to surrender my career or rely on anyone financially long term too.

I took my full maternity leave, and then was 'made redundant' first day back, so I had a second year off while I fought unfair dismissal.

By the end of that second year my ex was treating me with less respect. He no longer saw me as an equal. Suddenly his opinion was the one that counted, and it gradually got worse. He became dictatorial and controlling.

Financial inequality can change the dynamic when least expected, and with the one person you think would never do that. Yanbu.

You shouldn’t feel guilty, but I get that you feel this way. You are a family now and all money is family money, if it works the way it is for all of you, then fine. Personally I would rather an amount each month just to spend on things without having to ask.

Congratulations on your twins. Mine are 17 and an absolute joy! There is plenty of time to return to work. Work can wait. You’ll never have 9 month old twins again. Treasure this time. It’s really short. Your babies need you, and the first few years is so vital for any child’s development. It is a worthy and important way to spend your time. You have a burden also.

I was a SAHM for a number of years and I never felt any guilt (quite the opposite as I had the more demanding role!)! I also handled all our money/bills etc. I would not have accepted being treated as a child who only ‘had to ask nicely’! Fck that!

You have to ASK?

😳

The way we think of it is that we (DH and I) are a team. We work together towards our shared goals. And what we contribute to the ‘pot’ has changed over the years.

When we first met we were both students. Then I carried on studying and he worked. Then he studied for a year and I worked. Then we both worked full time. Then he took temporary jobs so that I could take a job I wanted that involved a move. Then I got pregnant, and he worked full time. I didn’t work for 10 years, was a SAHM, while he worked. now our children are older, and we are both working full time for the first time in ages. He will likely reduce his hours then retire earlier than me (he’s a little older) and I’ll carry on full time for a while.

the point is, we are a team. All our finances are joint. There is no ‘I’ll pay for this, you have to pay your share, remember you owe me for xyz’ . That can almost work if you are earning similar amounts and don’t have children. As soon as you have children, someone (usually the mother) had to step back from working outside the home for a while. You are both still contributing to the overall success of your team - just in different ways. When I was a SAHM DH didn’t really have to deal with anything domestic. Sick child? No problem. Domestic stress was very low.

The way I would think about this is - if you had had two single pregnancies, you would probably have taken two years of mat leave.

This isn't really any different

Btw joint accounts means equal access to all family money. We talk about big purchases in advance but otherwise spend fairly openly. We have pretty similar financial values so that helps.

I did this with my twins. I returned to work part time a month before they were 2. I was nowhere near ready to return prior to this point. I understand your feelings regarding finances but you are working you are raising 2 children. I also looked at the costs of sending 2 to nursery and looked at this as my financial contribution to the household if that makes sense too.

You’re not living off of your husband. You jointly decided to have children and now someone needs to care for them. That means either you work and you both pay for childcare or you don’t work and it’s you who looks after them and your husband supports the family.

He isn’t doing you a favour. These are your joint children and you are both supporting the family. Him financially and you by doing the care.

After the birth of our 2nd child, I was a SAHM for 4 years. Everything was joint. Sometimes I wondered how we managed on one income (children are now late teens). I wasn’t frivolous with money, sure we had to make certain sacrifices but it was a life choice, but we didn’t really go without. Never once did DH husband make me feel guilty, or did I have to ask permission to buy things. What’s ours is ours. It would be a major turn off for me if he kept money back for him and I had to struggle. I doubt we would still be together.
When I hear colleagues at work moaning about how their husband gives them money but it’s not enough to pay for everything (food shop, activities for the kids, Xmas presents etc) whilst they squirrel £££ away I thank my lucky stars that I seem to have found a good one, he is mature enough to see how an amicable, loving relationship works and that we are a team.

I've been a sahm for 6 years and I've never felt any guilt or felt that DH has a huge burden. It helps that I have some independent income and I've been able to generate income during the time I've been a sahm. But I don't think I would feel any different if DH's salary was our only income tbh.

Our finances are complex and we don't have joint accounts, but I have access to more than enough money and never ask for it or run any spending by him. I don't have any hang ups about contributing financially, I know I work hard and I am valued so that's all that matters for us. I think it's just a personal thing, some people will feel guilt over it no matter how their finances are arranged, and if you don't feel comfortable with being a sahm then it's time to look into childcare options and returning to work.