Husband is a financial liability

[Rosybud88]

I’m thoroughly fed up and I don’t know what to do.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We got engaged within 6 months and were married within a year. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant with our second child.

He has been self employed the whole time I have known him and I have been happy to cover financial gaps where needed and we blend our money together.

What has really started to annoy me is his approach to money. You won’t ever find him without a beer in his hand or vape in his mouth. I didn’t know until we were married that he owed almost £30k to HMRC for failing to manage his tax returns properly. We got a last minute deal on the wedding which he said he’d pay for (I didn’t want to take it because I personally couldn’t fund it) and at the last hour I had to get a loan to cover the wedding because he didn’t have the money. Just a couple of examples - he’s always struggling for money despite earning a good amount. He just wastes money on crap - mainly alcohol. I have had to bail us out multiple times and I have several credit cards and an overdraft to show for it.

I have repeatedly done monthly budgets which he won’t stick to, he won’t even look at the spreadsheet, hundreds go missing each month and I’m really losing my rag now. He refuses to talk about money without getting angry and he just won’t work with me on it. He makes regular digs about him being the only one bringing the income in but both of our children were planned and we agreed that I would stay at home for their first years. This had been budgeted for but of course he won’t stick to the budget.

I love him and have no desire to leave him but I have taken back to back maternity leaves to have our children and I myself have taken a big cut to do this. My maternity pay is frankly crap but I have sacrificed everything - I don’t buy myself a thing and felt guilty even buying anything for my hospital bag. Even if I wanted to leave him I literally couldn’t afford it at this point.

He hasn’t been paid today, not his fault, the fault of the ridiculous company he has been doing work for which I have been asking him to leave for months. So our rent won’t be paid, debt payments won’t be paid and I’m going to struggle to buy food. I’m at my wits end really because if he’d have stuck to budgets, half of the debt would have been gone and I’d have less to worry about.

I’m desperately trying to stay calm due to pregnancy but I am in tears. I have nowhere to turn, no more money to bail us out with. I can’t discuss this with family or friends because I’m genuinely so embarassed. I feel I have been so stupid in bailing us so many times, it’s become clear that he’s run to his parents for bail outs regularly which they do for him. He has a definite issue with alcohol and little regard for our situation. He walked through the door with a £22 bottle of red wine the other week as a treat for not drinking in the week which just floored me.

I don’t know what to do for best anymore. If anyone can offer any guidance or words of wisdom I’d appreciate because currently I feel like an idiot. And I’m not entitled to claim anything so universal credit etc won’t be an option for me. I really do not want to enter into debt management etc and have my credit file ruined.

He can’t take on any debt because - surprise surprise - his credit file is awful.

I am sorry. I know you don't want to leave, but if you stay he will continue to drag you down with him.
He has never learnt to be responsible with money and that mindset won't change now even with a wife and children.
I know from personal experience only toowell that Divorce is the only option.in the end.
I suspect he's lying about not being paid too.

That sounds like a lot of financial damage in such a short amount of time OP. And yes I do agree with the others he will never change and this will only continue and get worse and you have your children to think about now! So as much as you say you don't intend on leaving him you must realise this means you are all going to be dragged down with his shit? And your kids don't deserve that! They didn't ask for any of it. I'm sorry your in this situation and that you were tricked into marrying someone who's proved to be nothing but a selfish liar.

It must be really hard to read all the advice to divorce, OP, but he isn't going to change. I know, I am just like him. When I met my DH we were both working in the same industry, he had a hefty deposit put aside for a house, I was blowing my pay as soon as it came in and having a good time. He had a plan, I didn't.

30 years later, we are still together. The difference between me and your DH is that while I might still be a bit easy come, easy go with money, I do understand that bills have to be paid and debts need to be avoided. I have never spent more than I earned or spent on luxury before bills, expecting my DH to some how just sort it. We both have a horror of being in debt and we would never lie to each other about money. Your DH doesn't have any respect for you, he is spending without a budget and letting you worry about making ends meet. This is not a partner. I am sorry, but as others have pointed out, things will only get worse and you will sink with him.

Leave him or this is likely to be your life forever, if you really won't do that though then at least stop having children with him. They don't deserve this financial instability.

Divorce.

You have a child to look after and another one on the way - you have to prioritise them and their well-being. This man is not even capable of keeping a roof over his family's head.

Leave him and get the divorce ball rolling before he gets into any further debt.

How many red flags does someone need?

If he went without alcohol and vapes for a month you'd have more money but he doesn't want to. Why the rush to marry, was it him pushing it so you'd have to get him out of debt.

He is bringing you down financially and will continue to do so. This is already starting to impact your mental health. You cannot make him change. You can, however, make changes to your life, which will be tough.

LTB and start afresh. It won't be easy on a presumably low income and 2 babies but your money and finances will be yours to control.

He's got a drinking problem ( maybe he is an alcoholic and that's where the money is going )
And you have a husband problem . Solve it easily , get rid .

How can you love him?

A bottle of wine is more important than feeding his child and his pregnant wife...

Stop doing lala in your head life is about choices and you haven't made great choices doing back to back maternities and saying you're going to sahp when you have no regular income and someone who really really doesn't care ..... And has shown it over years.... The minute he couldn't pay for the wedding you should have cancelled...

Look up sunk costs fallacy...

Now you need to make some sensible adult choices and be open about it too....get the support you need where you can get it... parents/benefits foodbank etc..

Go back to work asap and ditch the leech...he will make yours and your children's life a misery...

He failed to manage his tax returns and owes 30k, he failed to manage his money to pay for a wedding which the OP had to step in and pay for at the last minute, he refuses to look at the OP’s budgeting spreadsheets, she says hundreds of pounds go missing each month.

What are the chances that this genuinely is the company’s error - rather than simply he’s not been going to work as much as the OP believes (if he’s even been going to work at all), or given that he’s self employed and taking into account his stellar track record of keeping on top of financial paperwork he just hasn’t been arsed submitting his invoices to the company.

It seems like a very convenient excuse to me.

Of course if the OP comes back to say she’s seen evidence with her own eyes of his self employed invoices being submitted to the company, and evidence of him chasing up payment today along with the company’s response, then I’ll take it back.

I’ll also hazard a guess that the backstory to the OP telling him he should leave the company for months, is months of supposed late payments or underpayments from this terrible place. But he’s always paid just enough that you’d never see him without a drink or a vape in his hand.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me, sorry OP. It's not just the spending, it's also the lying, the false promises, the refusal to discuss the matter with you, the complete lack of any accountability or remorse for his actions.

I was regularly paid 3-6 months late by one of my clients. It was cash flow management. They had the mo ey to pay on time but preferred to screw over small contractors.

The fact you say you love him makes me think you’re quite young. I don’t mean that in a patronising way; just that you’ve clearly not yet realised that there’s nothing here to love and when someone treats you like this you need to learn to shut your heart off to them. He doesn’t love you or the kids otherwise he wouldn’t behave like this. This is who he is, he won’t change. He’s done a real number on you.

There is nothing you can do @Rosybud88. You have tried everything.

He will do what he wants to do with his money. It may be “blended” but as long as he’s the one earning, he ultimately has control over it.

You need to go into self-preservation mode and look at getting back to work as soon as possible after your baby is born. This man is not financially responsible enough to take care of you all.

This. My first husband was exactly like this. Money ran through his fingers faster than I have ever seen with anyone else. He maxed out store cards. Then he maxed out credit cards.When I was pregnant he didn't pay his Poll tax ( 1992) so we had bailiffs at the house on the day I came out of hospital ( admitted to a ward repeatedly with hyperemesis). He drank, spent money on absolutely pointless crap. All my maternity pay in 1993 ,which I claimed when I returned to work ,went to pay off the latest set of debts ( it was over £4,000). He was a prat Op, an absolute prat. I came from a family where you got married and you stayed married. I had nowhere to go. In the end he left me for a 17 year old who didn't expect budgets or plans or sensible stuff. The financial destruction he brought to my life was nothing compared to what eventually happened to her. It won't change. It won't get better. You need to get out and get divorced.

Been there, done that, got the Tshirt and the IVA to show for it.

OP, leave him. Divorce and put your children and your financial stability first. My ex ran up gambling debt and took drugs, drank etc... I was waiting till I could afford to leave him and the debt he ran up in my name but that day never came. I ended up having to just go and take the hit on the IVA. 7 years later I am in a much better place knowing that I have got everything covered without worrying what bills will turn up, that we have enough money for food bills and general life etc...

It's hard but you can do it

He might have ADHD

You might still love him now but this kind of shit gets really old, really quick.

To quote a poet of our time: you're on your own, kid. You always have been.

This is who he is. He has a drinking problem and is financially incompetent. You married him in haste and I'm genuinely sorry to say you're going to have the ability to repent at leisure.

You either go back to work FT ASAP and take over the management of all household finances and basically manage him like a child - which won't work anyway, and the drinking will become a bigger problem over time - or you leave. Those are your choices. They aren't nice choices. But your children deserve better than this. And he won't change.

He's committing financial infidelity and getting away with it. If you don't want to divorce then at the minimum you need to book into couples counselling (they'll probably recommend he has sessions alone too). But remember that behaviour is a language and he's showing you he just doesn't give a shit what you or the family need so I doubt you'll get far.

A hungry child but he has red wine.

Think about that - that’s the choice you’re making for your child. So harsh though it is, you are enabling this and therefore as responsible for a hungry child as he is.

This sounds awful, I’m so sorry.
do you know why his current position is with hmrc - is he saving for his tax bill for example?

if he won’t sit down and have a very frank conversation where every single bill debt and commitment including his business ones are laid out, then that’s your answer. He’s not treating you well as a partner and he’s making his family go hungry. This isn’t ok, it’s abusive.

contact debt charities and ask their advice too but I’d imagine they’d want a full statement of affairs and conversations. Not sure they’d be much help though if he’s spending that much on alcohol.

I have been where you are...I ended up with a partner who couldn't budget to save his life. He smoked, yet we struggled to pay bills and put food on the table. He was divorced and his boys lived with us full-time, and his ex-wife paid us very little in child maintenance. I had never experienced money issues at that point. My parents budgeted and didn't spend money beyond their means, so I was never exposed to this 'free and easy way' with money. I am a saver, had never owed a penny to anyone in my life. One of the reasons I left was the stress of money, and his attitude towards it. I couldn't live 'hand to mouth' with him spending money on stupid, and unnecessary items. I thankfully, never married him or had children with him. Sadly, this is the way he is.. and if he does have an alcohol issue, you now have this issue on top of the lack of money. It won't get better, it will get worse and worse, until you both are drowning in debt. If he won't talk to you, or seek any kind of help for the drinking and money management, I don't see any other option but divorce. Please don't stay, and allow yourself to be beaten down by your husband's behaviour.

I’m sorry. That is tough 😢😢

You’re going to go from one crisis to the next unless you take completely over all the finances incl the self employment side of things) and give him only his spending money.
I somehow think he won’t accept that. Which I get, I would hate having someone control my finances like this.
But the problem is that he us (financially) sinking and is taking you down with him. Because being married, you are sharing the debts too.

Wether he’ll ever learn how to be financially ‘safer’ or not is another question.