Help - how to do this fairly?

[Gravitasdepleted]

My partner owns a house worth about £370k and I own one worth about £670 (no mortgages). We are talking about living together and possibly doing this in my house. I have one daughter at home who will be moving out and going to uni in 2026. But my house needs some work done to it, it's going to cost about £150k and can't be avoided if we stay there.

Partner is happy to sell their house, and invest some of the proceeds in mine to fund the renovation. We don't want to get married, but can't figure out how to financially structure this so it's fair to both of us. It's hard to know how much the renovation would add to the value of the house, not certain that it would improve it by what it costs. But likely cheaper paying stamp duty and moving costs, plus we both like the house and would be happy to stay in it.

How do you think we could financially structure this so it's fair to both of us? I can add him to the deeds I guess, but I dont even know by how much. Or should I borrow the money off him with a contract, and interest, like a personal mortgage. Or no interest as he is living in the house with me? I just dont know.
Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you.

You own the house as tenants in common, you 80% and him 20% (or thereabouts). He pays only 20% of repairs going forward though.

He is being totally unfair with you. Bin him!

Fucking typical. He proposes a frankly ludicrous arrangement where he gets half of your house and you get half of his but yours is twice the value of his. And when you say no HE gets offended?

So he wants a free gift of the extra value in your house?

Oh HELL no. Nope nope nope. Does he think you are completely stupid?
Please don't tell us you are considering it.

I agree his proposal is very unfair to you. Whatever you decide I think you need to consider what happens in the future - if you don't get along living together how easy would it be to sell the house and how you'd split it. What happens if you die first etc. If you agree that he pays for the renovation you're dependent on him to hand that money over. After his suggestion I'd be hesitant about that. I also don't think if your daughter is going to university that now is the right time for him to move in - far too much disruption for her in the last two years that she'll be at home with you.

Protect your asset at all costs. Personally I think you should downsize to a smaller house/flat when your daughter goes to university or after that, with the rest of the money you keep that as your pension. He stays put and you split your time between the two places - that is if you're still together after this. Don't rush in to anything.

From the sounds of it I think he might be money orientated given he won't marry to protect his pension from his deceased wife! Thinking about that I think he might be trying to feather his own next. What happens if he moves in, under whatever arrangement, then you die (sorry but you have to think of the worst-case scenario) and what happens to your DD? How will she get her inheritance?

If he's going to lean on the side of caution in terms of money and protecting his asset (pension from deceased wife) then you need to protect your asset too. Romance is not in this situation at all. He's looking out for No. 1, so must you.

So he gives you half of £370k in exchange for half of £670k? Good deal for him, isn’t it, but I wouldn’t be doing that!

Wow. Just wow. He isn't really in any position to dictate terms, especially terms so advantageous to him and do disadvantageous to you.

What is he thinking.

I'd seriously reconsider the whole thing given he is playing hardball in this way. He is already benefitting from always living at your place. How do the finances work now?

Don't do it to yourself.

He said he wants us to be equals, and not feel like has less say than me.

Wow. I say again. He doesn't want to face reality and wants to stop you pointing it out either. Wow.

And he won't get married as he would lose the pension he currently gets (from his previous partner who sadly passed away).

And he knows how to land on his feet, doesn't he.

Glad you posted here on MN OP. He really doesn't sound as if he cares about equality just about him doing ok. I'd seriously rethink.

And address the current inequality in costs. And watch him run when it doesn't go his own way. Best to know sooner rather than later. Sorry.

He has a strop to bring you to heel...
Just no, no NO!
Look after you interests... do not combine finances at any level. No man is worth it.

I don’t think I’d be moving in with this man full stop. He’s not fair in how he’s expecting you to divide up the houses and he’s trying to force this on you then stropping when you, quite rightly, don’t think it’s fair. And he’s never going to marry you to give you any rights. Why would you bother??

How did "the idea of living together" come up then?

It's not like it's a ground breaking idea, most couples discuss it at some point.

Maybe now is the time you think a bit more about the downsizing. When your DD goes to uni, you and DP both sell your properties and buy one together, fifty fifty, and you keep whatever money you have left over for your pension.

Can the work be put off that long and, if so, can you sell without doing it at all? What is the work? Seems like a lot to make a house livable when you already live in it?

Major red flags!

Ok, you each own a house and each have a pension.

so if you are equals, you should both end up with equal ownership of house AND equal pension funds.

so, he needs to get a valuation on BOTH of his pensions and you need to get a valuation on yours.

Add all the money together and see if you end with equal if he buys out half your house, pays for the renovations and tops your pension fund up to match his.

The fact he's relying on his deceased wives pension speaks volumes as well, OP.

Plus the fact he is not maintaining either your property or his. Because he "doesn't have time".

He doesn't sound great, OP.

You are in a better financial position than him. He doesn't want to face up to this and gets angry when you point it out.

He wants women (you and his deceased wife) to fund his lifestyle, but he doesn't want it spoken about. He wants to be seen as "equal".

I'd be rethinking this entire relationship.

As a pp said, it's hundreds of thousands of pounds effectively flowing from your daughter's inheritance straight to him.

And the fact that he would not only be ok with this, but say it's "the only option he would consider" would massively rile me up.

Make it clear you will not financially disadvantage yourself and take it from there.

He wants you to be equals, so you should give him half your house in exchange for half his house? I’m, what? He’s basically just demanding your money. Absolutely not.

Red flag for the whole idea. Is he usually like this? How long have you been together?

If something happened to you, what position would your dc be in? Worse off if you allow this guy to take some of your assets. Please keep your assets separate for the sake of your dc.

I wonder if the OP said to him she's put it on mumsnet and he's reading all our replies. I hope he's just stupid and not out to fleece her.

I think his reaction to being challenged answers that question.

It's classic manipulative behaviour. Have a tantrum and throw your teddies out and hope it produces a panic response in your partner and a need to appease you so you get what you want. He wants the OP to go running after him. I'd bet money he's giving her the classic silent treatment right now.

@Gravitasdepleted Just remember if anything happened to you, this behaviour is what your daughter would have to deal with to access her inheritance. Think about that.

Absolutely not, why on earth would you just give him £150k! And the fact that that’s “all he will consider” and that he’s just walked out on you is a huge red flag. He’s absolutely trying to manipulate you.

if you still want him to move in after all this, keep the house 100 % in your name and make sure he signs a cohabitation agreement waiving any rights. He can sell or rent out his house, and pay you a fair market rent from that plus half the bills. That should fund the extra maintenance and the mortgage for the renovations.

It might be simpler not to move in together. I have had children leave for university - every one of them has come back after for a few years - 2 still live at home in their mid 20s. The adult child might not want the boyfriend moving in.

If you really have to merge lives he should sell his place and pay you half the current value of your house and you use anything from that to fund repairs and keep the balance. Make sure you have a new will each and that you have a cohabitation agreement (as well as holding house as tenants in common not joint tenants as you will both need to decide when yours or his children get half the house after one of you dies, after inheritance tax at 40% on the value over £500k. I would also have solicitor perhaps also draw up a cohabitation agreement you both sign too.

He'd be gaining and you'd be losing a lot of money. Why doesn't he sell his house and buy half of the equity in your home then you'd own 50 percent each and pay half the repairs each. You'd end up with a lump sum you could help your DD on to the property ladder in time. Don't just gift him half your home. You're not even married to him.

This is fair. Ask him why he should gain a huge chunk of your equity and you should become poorer?

Absolutely not. Of course that’s what he wants to do as he massively benefits from it. When I bought a house with my ex he had 30k deposit, I had nothing. So we took a tenants in common mortgage so he had 60% and I had 40%. I would never have tried to claim money that wasn’t mine. In the end I signed the house over to him fully and took no money as I needed out of the relationship and there wasn’t much equity anyway. Of course I was legally entitled to 40% of the 30k deposit, but i’d never take that. I can’t believe your partner is happy to take half of a house which he’s paid zero into. That would tell me all I needed to know about the kind of person he is, and I wouldn’t want him moving in at all. The only thing i’d consider is both sell up, and pay 50-50 each for new house, and you keep your savings from the old house.

I think that I'm the situation (unequal wealth, him not wanting to be married, the relationship showing strain around finances and him wanting to retain his pension) the fairest and most sensible thing to do is maintain separate finances.

So he moves in and pays 50% of all bills (council tax, electricity, consumable bills)

He does what he likes with his property and keeps the funds from that.

You do all the renovations, pay for them and he has no claim on the property. You could use his 50% share of bills to fund a form of loan or mortgage for this.

Overall protect your assets and also consider legal advice.

I’d keep things completely separate and get a 150k mortgage for for the renovations then agree. ‘rent’ that he pays you and he rents out his house.

I would keep your houses and finances separate. You have nothing to gain from merging them.