husband in denial

[candyfluff]

we are in alot of debt and my dh refuses to realise that its getting out of hand we have approx £20 grand of debt on credit cards and loans and catalouges.he wont talk about a solution he just gets deffensive when i suggest any solution to our problems ,its worrying me because for 3 weeks of every month we are scratching around for pennys until he gets paid again.
he has 2 jobs and i stay at home with our 3 kids.how can i make him see that what coming in and whats going out just dont add up?

Have you itemised your incomings and outgoings on paper ? CAB can help you do so, assuming you have all the info, and help you come to a manageable solution which you could then put to dh .

Who does the household budget? If you are doing it and telling him, then hand it over to him. Present him on payday with all the bills and tell him to do it.

I assume you've done a list of all outgoings to show him?

It's very common to bury your head in the sand in the hope that it will all go away. Sadly, it will only get worse if it's not dealt with.

Have you gone to the CAB to get advice?

And cut up your credit cards and throw away the catalogues! At this point you need to be doing everything possible to make sure things get no worse.

you also need to talk to everyone and arrange affordable repayment plans - if you haven't already.

And is there any way you could get some work too? Or would that not make financial sense? (Don't know what your earning potential is.)

i do the bills and do show him an itemised list of all that needs paying.the way he sees it is that because we have never been late on any payments that everything is under control which it isnt .we never have any money left over for days out or new clothes and we have never been on holiday.
dont trust him to pay the bills as he often has a problem with gambling which is the sorce of some of our debts,i have control of his credit and debit cards and have even had to hide them at times.have mentioned bankruptcy to him but he said its a really bad idea as our credit rating we be damaged.
its really sad that if it werent for our debts we would be quite well off.he also has a family abroard that keep presuring him for money and as he is the only son he feels he has to send them money even though it causes a big problem in our marriage,have even asked him to choose saying that its them or us which i know isnt fair but i feel they are taking our money away

If you don't trust your dh to pay the bills, can you monitor by getting him to pay his earnings into a joint account that all bills are paid out of by direct debit. Get internet banking so you can check it online any time.

If you know what the outgoings are from your itemised list, I assume dh earns more than that but that part of it is siphoned off to fund his gambling. Or are outgoings exceeding incoming every month?

If the latter, you might have to consider finding some way to earn an income yourself.

out goings are a smidge more than in comings so credit cards are our back up plan which i know is stupid robbing peter to pay paul and all that ,if i cut them up dh would be mad as they act as a crutch incase some unexpected exspense comes along and we have no spare cash to deal with it.
as for me getting a job i dont see why i should as i already have a full time job caring for my 3 kids ,plus we dont have anyone to look after our kids while i went to work let alone being able to afford childcare.i also feel why should i work to repay what is largely his debts,i didnt make them so why should i repay them.will throw catolouges away though out of sight out of mind!

If your outgoings are more than your income, you will never be able to pay off the debt without doing one of:
a) speaking to your creditors to see if you can lower your repayments
b) speaking to one of the debt charities (NOT debt management companies, they are out to get things from you) about how to solve the problem
c) either you or your dh earning more.

Even if dh won't agree the debts are a problem, if you want to sort them, this is the first step, as it will not be possible to sort them otherwise.

Once you've done one of the above, I heartily recommend doing something like getting dp's salary paid into a joint account and retaining control of it - sounds like he's not too fussed about that, as long as he doesn't have to think about it. Saying that, life would be MUCH easier if you can get him onside, but I don't know how you can!

so are you saying that if i simply phone them that were struggling to pay then they will just reduce are payments??? how can it be that easy?
we have separate acounts at the mo why would i want to end up with a bad credit score because he cant control himself at the bookies,at least this way hes only damaging his own credit rating not mine.
also the majority of the credit cards are in my name ,his are maxed out and im the only one with any money left on my credit cards .
im sooooooooooooo sick of being poor and missing out, i only have a haircut once a year coz i just cant afford to go regulary,wear my clothes until they fall to bits but i do like my kids to look nice .they deserve better

Downsize?

If you phone the credit card & loan companys & explain that you don't have enough money to keep up the repayments, they will send you an income & expenditure form, fill it in & make them an offer of what you can afford like £20 or something, the interest is then stopped & you will be able to make a small payment each month, as long as you are paying something to them then they won't take you to court.

HTH

When will all your kids be at school? Hopefully you could work then?

Candyfluff it's always worth contacting all your creditors as a first step. There is always a reasonable chance that they will be able to reach a compromise with you.

Failing that, have you tried prioritising your debts? i.e. do you have any credit cards still on the 0% that you could reduce the payment to minimum on?

I also highly recommend phoning a debt advice charity - I can give a couple of numbers if you want.

Also, regarding the joint account, as far as I'm aware, as long as that account doesn't go overdrawn etc, your credit rating won't be affected. Phone the bank and check if you want to be absolutely sure. If you have control of all the cards etc, your dp will not be able to spend the money and affect the credit rating from that account.

If you want to post in more detail, I'm happy to try to help any more if I can!

A really good budget planner is on Martin Lewis' website Moneysavingexpert.com.

The planner makes you think about EVERYTHING you may need to spend money on and the yearly stuff too which is calculates to tell you how much you should be saving towards it each month.

It also works out yearly amounts/monthly/weekly so you don't have to get your calculator out.

here

Ooh, I forgot to recommend that, the budget planner on Lewis's website is bloody brilliant!