Dh lied about money

[Vancarsin]

Not sure how to feel about this. Dh has been ‘managing’ our finances for a couple of years. Things have been tight and I’ve found it stressful. To cut a long story short, I’ve discovered that he’s been using our credit cards to plug the gap, to the tune of 4K.
he’s cried and apologised and has explained that he just wanted to make it all work, and that he didn’t want to worry or stress me further. I can see that it’s all gone on family stuff and all payments are up to date thank god.
I feel angry and need to find a way to move forward. Help!

£4k isn't insurmountable but you do need to review spending as clearly had abit of lifestyle creep and to take more interest in the family finances. What was your reaction to the stress of money being tight - why was he so worried to tell you? You shouldn't be angry with him when he has tried his best and hasn't felt able to discuss with you due yo your reaction.

Honestly it sounds like he was just trying to balance life but it should have been a discussion. If there was no way to cut back then st least both would be aware

I think if it’s clear that the money has been spent on the family, then that makes it a lot easier to accept.

Youve both been stressed. Are the credit cards 0%? You need to sit down together and go through your spending, see what can be cut back. Try not to accuse or blame each other.

Can you raise your family income?

It's not the end of the world but it's not sustainable for ever. Probably need a sit down and go through the finances, work out what can be axed. Can either of you increase your hours at work.

Why was he managing the money? Why weren't you both mananging the household money?

You have no right to be angry. Your DH has been carrying this burden around.
Sit down and discuss finances, if more is going out than coming in then you need to tighten your belts. Do you work?
First step would be marriage counselling because you are clearly not communicating with each other.

You say it was all spent on family stuff. I don’t think he’s done much wrong. You as a family are spending more than you earn. Time for you both to sit down and work out how to fix this. When I wasn’t sure where our money was going, I downloaded the Snoop app. It lays out every single expense so you know where the money has gone. I highly recommend it. As has been mentioned, move to interest free credit card so you’re just paying the principle. Good luck to you both.

I’m baffled that any grown adult can be content just handing over control of finances to someone else and not knowing their exact financial position at all times. Set up a weekly time slot (Sunday evening maybe) when you sit down and do a quick run through of the household budget, account balances and spending for the week ahead. You need to share this load with him. You’re jointly responsible for your shared finances and the situation should never be able to arise where one partner is surprised by a debt run up through general household spending.

I am the one managing most of our joint finances (groceries, eating out, any ad hoc stuff etc.). I tend to be quite strict and try hard to stay within our budget. For instance, if the budget for eating out is all spent within the first 2 weeks then I would simply say that we don't have enough for eating out and we must wait for the next month. Likewise, I keep tab on our weekly groceries spending so I can reduce spending the following week if necessary. It is easy for me to keep an eye as we only use one credit card and one joint bank account for household spending. I dread to think what would have happened if my husband were the one in charge. It is very likely that we'll blow our budget every month.

So, if you think you can be more strict and firm, then perhaps you could take the finance over from your husband? Having access to a joint credit card/bank account would definitely help. I honestly think it is very easy to go over the budget, especially with COL.

As the others have said it's hardly fair to be angry about a situation you have taken no interest in. I manage all the finances in our house. I don't think it can be a joint role as such (I manage a myriad of spreadsheets which are updated daily for example) but the other person needs to be aware of what is happening and when things are tight. I tell DH what we can and can't afford to splurge on.