opinions and advice please - thinking of pressing charges against someone for harrassment/stalking, but not sure...

[stripeymama]

In December last year I had a brief (3 weeks) fling with a man who I have known through friends for several years. I finished it when he lost the plot one night and shouted at me in front of my dd, for no reason, and then refused to leave my house when requested. I ended up physically throwing him out and locking the door.

I didn't hear from him for a month after that, but then he got it into his head that I was seeing someone else and started to phone up a lot. As in 40+ times a day. He sent dozens of abusive texts and emails, calling me a slag/whore/bitch/slut etc, telling me he was going to kill himself if I didn't talk to him, that he was going to come to my house if I didn't answer the phone, that the reason things had gone wrong was because he had cast a spell to get the love of a woman and it had backfired (WTF???) and so on. He threatened the person he suspected me of seeing, and tried getting all our mutual friends to talk me round. He sent cards to me, declaring undying love in a decidedly creepy way.

He also stole a phone that had belonged to someone who recently died (the partner of a mutual friend) and sent me abusive messages from it, which understandably freaked me out.

Apparently I have "done a very bad thing to him", "messed with his head", and if I "had got back together with him none of this would have happened".

This went on for six weeks, and ended when I changed my phone number two months ago. I made a statement to the police about it, but did not want to press charges at the time. The police copied down messages he had sent, and I have kept all the emails and cards.

I have now heard from friends who know him that he has since done the same thing to two other women, and threatened the brother of one of them with a knife - apparently neither woman or the brother want police involvement. Friends are telling me that his general behaviour at the moment is starting to cause concern to his social circle, and have said they will back me up should I wish to press charges, and provide evidence, including their phone bills that he ran up phoning me.

So... should I go back to the police and say I want to take it further? When I made the statement I was told there was enough there to have hime charged with harassment. I just don't know if its worth it, seeing as he has stopped bothering me - but then I think he is getting worse and worry that the next woman may not get off as lightly as I did.

its difficult, because you obviously want to do the right thing and stop him doing this or maybe worse to somebody in the future, but you have to consider what his reaction would be if you do press charges and also how much protection you are likely to get from the police.
the police may have enough to charge him with harrassment but what would the outcome of this be? is he likely to go to prison or just get a warning and maybe turn his attentions back to you?

I don't know. Thats what I neeed to think carefully about.

I just cannot bear the idea of someone going round behaving like that and nobody standing up to it. I think he needs help, not prison - but of course there is no guarantee that is what he'd get.

He lives about 80 miles from me which is quite fortunate really - had he been closer I'm sure I'd have had him turn up here.

maybe go to the police and discuss your options, find out what their most likely course of action would be, if they are only likely to caution him you could cause yourself more trouble than its worth.

i know it sounds really selfish and i totally understand what you mean about him doing the same to other people but as you obviously have a child/children to take in to account, i think i would be reluctant to persue this with the police unless i had a really good idea of what the outcome would be.

I agree with the others, you could place yourself in a vulnerable position if he turns his attentions to you again. Probably not very socially responsible, but you need to look out for yourself & your DD.

Hmmm.

See, I really really think its important that someone does something about this. I'm going to go and talk to the police again - they were very helpful when I made the statement.

He is a 'New Age' traveller and so another issue is that he travels around a lot, going to places where people don't know him and won't be aware of his issues. And the traveller community are quite often reluctant to involve the police, so he may well continue to travel round getting away wih it.

I have no problem with involving the police, which is another reason I feel that I do have some sort of responsibility to take it further.

Any other advice or ideas on what to do for the best?

Please?

you must try to do something, if for his good too

he sounds as though he might have mental health issues and he has the capacity for aggression and violence.

if he has pulled a knife on someone, he might use it at some point in the future

he needs help.

and other people need protecting

You may have to put yourself through a court case and give evidence if he pleads not guilty. Being in a travelling community - he has no fixed abode which means if he skips bail, it would be very hard for the police to keep tabs on him and that puts you in even more danger!!

I agree with Lulumama, he needs help but you cannot do it alone.

What if the other people back out. I would suggest you find the other women and see if they are prepared to continue with you so that you are not alone. Witnesses providing phone bills are not the ones in danger...all they have to say is the police demanded they provide the evidence.....etc.

I do worry that he would end up getting no more than a caution, or that a case would not stand up in court, or whatever - and that he would then turn his attention back to me. I realise it would risk provoking him now that he has 'given up' on me.

But then at least I would have done something, the best that I could, to stop him from doing this to anyone else.

I am furious with him, but can honestly say that ths idea does not stem from a desire to see him punished. It is entirely about protecting society, and him, from his current state of mind.

Its so strange for me to be in this situation as I have never before been pushed to the point of involving the police - its not a reaction that comes easily to me and the thought of a court case scares me.

TBH I wouldn't do it - it's terribly noble of you to want to do this for the greater good - but this man sounds mentally unstable and his focus has moved away from you - you will reignite a fire that has been extinguished and you'll get burnt