Helping my daughter

Babyboomer60 · 2024-10-20T18:04:12+00:00

Does any one have any experience or ideas please? my daughter is 43, living with her partner (I think they have separate finances) and her son who is doing an apprenticeship so not earning much and not paying any keep. My daughter works as a full time carer and is struggling financially. We help by at least £50 per month. 2 years ago we gave her £3000. We are happy to help her but feel she needs to help herself too. I have suggested she work with Step Change or go through her financial situation with her (how much she brings home, what her outgoings are etc). She refuses to do any of these yet is constantly wanting us to help her more. Her partner has been abusive but is still living in the house with her. He does pay 50% of the bills. We are both on pensions now and sometimes it feels like a bottomless pit but of course want to help her. Does anyone have any views or ideas please?

LIZS · 20/10/2024 19:09

Is she is debt? Struggling to make payments? Tbh I'm not sure you can help without her asking.

DeliciousApples · 20/10/2024 19:18

She'd prob get more help off the state of he wasn't there tbh and it was just her and dc.

Difficult to make someone do something when they don't want to.

She needs to change something. But will she/can she.

There's a fine line between you making things better and enabling someone to not change.

I'd give her another £50 and tell her this is the last time unless you engage with stepchange or something.

And FOLLOW THROUGH what you've said. Be ready to pick up the pieces. Could she bring her son to live with you?

VictoryOrDeath · 20/10/2024 19:19

This sounds difficult if she isn't really open to help (other than accepting £). I'd have an open conversation about your financial situation now that you've retired. Are you sure that her son can't afford to pay some board? I thought his apprenticeship would be associated with some kind of monthly salary.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/10/2024 20:12

LIZS · 20/10/2024 19:09

Is she is debt? Struggling to make payments? Tbh I'm not sure you can help without her asking.

" ... yet is constantly wanting us to help.more" is the clue!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/10/2024 20:15

The best way parents can help.their children us to ensure they become independent. Stop propoing her up financially and offer her support to enable her to move forward.

LittleLlama · 20/10/2024 20:17

It is very natural to want to help your adult children, especially if you know they are struggling financially. However, I think it is important to set healthy “helping boundaries” otherwise you are just enabling her helplessness.

Start by having an open conversation about money and explain that the current situation cannot continue. Eventually, if this continues you just might have to say No when she asks for money. It is hard, thou.

Original poster

Babyboomer60 · 20/10/2024 20:18

LIZS · 20/10/2024 19:09

Is she is debt? Struggling to make payments? Tbh I'm not sure you can help without her asking.

This is part of the problem … I don’t know what her situation is. She evades telling me.

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Original poster

Babyboomer60 · 20/10/2024 20:20

VictoryOrDeath · 20/10/2024 19:19

This sounds difficult if she isn't really open to help (other than accepting £). I'd have an open conversation about your financial situation now that you've retired. Are you sure that her son can't afford to pay some board? I thought his apprenticeship would be associated with some kind of monthly salary.

I think I have to encourage her to be straight with me. My grandson does have a very small salary from his apprenticeship and given the situation I hoped he would help a little.

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Original poster

Babyboomer60 · 20/10/2024 20:22

LittleLlama · 20/10/2024 20:17

It is very natural to want to help your adult children, especially if you know they are struggling financially. However, I think it is important to set healthy “helping boundaries” otherwise you are just enabling her helplessness.

Start by having an open conversation about money and explain that the current situation cannot continue. Eventually, if this continues you just might have to say No when she asks for money. It is hard, thou.

Thank you. I have tried to do this but maybe I need to be firmer with her?

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Miley1967 · 20/10/2024 20:26

Unless she has a very high rent or mortgage she should not be struggling that much if she and her partner are both working and splitting bills and child is grown up and presumably earning is on an apprenticeship. Or does she have other kids or debts or addictions ? You really need to establish why she's struggling.

VanCleefArpels · 20/10/2024 20:26

You really don’t know what this money is being spent on do you? It’s not helping her get to grips with her situation. She should contact Citizens Advice for advice on a) any benefits she us entitled to and b) managing any debt and you should offer practical not financial support

Guavafish1 · 20/10/2024 20:26

I wouldn’t help anymore unless she is more clear to you about her financial situation. You will be a bottomless pit of bank of mum and dad.

If you were any other financial institution… you’d want to know her financial situation before giving or lending money.

Original poster

Babyboomer60 · 20/10/2024 21:15

Miley1967 · 20/10/2024 20:26

Unless she has a very high rent or mortgage she should not be struggling that much if she and her partner are both working and splitting bills and child is grown up and presumably earning is on an apprenticeship. Or does she have other kids or debts or addictions ? You really need to establish why she's struggling.

No more children or addictions. She does like a bottle of Prosecco though! You are right in that I do need to know why she is struggling. Thank you.

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Original poster

Babyboomer60 · 20/10/2024 21:58

VictoryOrDeath · 20/10/2024 19:19

This sounds difficult if she isn't really open to help (other than accepting £). I'd have an open conversation about your financial situation now that you've retired. Are you sure that her son can't afford to pay some board? I thought his apprenticeship would be associated with some kind of monthly salary.

It is difficult and I am in such a quandary. Her son should pay some keep but isn’t at the moment.
I think I need to try and get her to realise that we can’t keep giving her money without knowing her situation. Thank you for responding.

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Bobbybobbins · 20/10/2024 22:06

I would definitely have a serious conversation about it. Plan the points you want to make and give a firm deadline for ending financial help.

Tourmalines · 20/10/2024 22:19

There’s struggling and there’s struggling . She’s working full time , is sharing bills with partner, has no dependent kids . No dept and no bad habits . I don’t see that as really struggling . It’s possible she can’t manage her finances and spends on things unnecessarily. I think you need to stop giving her money . It will never end . And it puts stress on you . She needs to be more responsible for her lifestyle she chooses .

Original poster

Babyboomer60 · 21/10/2024 08:03

Tourmalines · 20/10/2024 22:19

There’s struggling and there’s struggling . She’s working full time , is sharing bills with partner, has no dependent kids . No dept and no bad habits . I don’t see that as really struggling . It’s possible she can’t manage her finances and spends on things unnecessarily. I think you need to stop giving her money . It will never end . And it puts stress on you . She needs to be more responsible for her lifestyle she chooses .

Thank you. That has helped and I do need to see the whole picture.

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