Is this as bad as I think it is?

[ohrly]

My family are all terrible with money. My brother has been working overseas teaching for nearly ten years, he is 37.

He has two kids and wife who doesn't/can't work over there.

They do not have any savings (I know this because I recently had to lend them some money for an unexpected cost) and I think probably have a fair bit of debt on credit cards (though I don't know this for sure).

Everyone in my family keeps talking about how great it is that they'll get a lump sum when he leaves his current job (based on years of service). There is excited talk that they'll come back and use it for a house deposit. I think it will be 30k or so rather than 100s. We live in S.E. where £30k isn't a big enough deposit for a family home.

Additionally, this lump sum is in lieu of pension, so they haven't been paying into pension for 10 years (and likely didn't before). They also haven't been paying national insurance.

I keep trying to mention that this lump sum isn't as exciting as everyone thinks it is but I think people think I am crazy/being a debbie downer. How do I talk to them about it? Or do I just leave it and let them figure it out?

I guess the subtext is I am a bit sick of being the responsible sibling and bailing out my other siblings. It doesn't happen super frequently (think every couple of years) but I'd rather not have to do it again!

Don't bail them out. It's not your problem

Stop bailing them out.

If he's a teacher, he can bring his family back to the UK, use the money as a deposit on a house in a less expensive part of the UK, where 30k will be a 10% deposit.

Then he and his wife can focus on making up for lost time with their pensions (or not). It really isn't your problem. The next time they want to borrow money, say no. They are both adults.They'll have to deal with it themselves.

Why do you have to bail any of them out? They've made their choices and are unlikely to be unable to pay for essentials as long as they manage their money responsibly. It's not up to you to paper over the cracks if they don't do this.

Like a PP says, a teacher can work anywhere in the UK and buy a family home with a £30k deposit and live well enough, especially if SIL can also work. If they don't do this, they have to deal with the consequences themselves. If they come back soon, they have nearly 30 years to catch up with their pensions, which is more than enough, especially for someone with a good public sector pension.

If they ask for money, say no as they didn't repay what you lent them last time.

Why do you need to talk to them about it? Your whole family seem weirdly invested in your brother’s finances.

You have to learn to say no. None of this is your problem.

Please don't use the ageist and misogynist term Debbie downer. It's very tiresome and rude. Can't you find better words to use?

He could always move further north?

Why do you feel it is your job to change their perspectives?

Your brother is 37, it's his life.

I wouldn't consider it my place to lecture my siblings about their finances.

How do you talk to them about it? You don't. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Don't get drawn into any discussions about finances, yours or theirs.

You do not have to take on the role of responsible sibling. If you don't want to lend them any more money, don't do it. If asked, say no because they didn't repay you last time and/or it caused too much upset last time.

They are all adults. If they are being financially irresponsible, they will have to live with the consequences.

I agree with other PPs. The way to stop
bailing out your siblings is to stop bailing them out. Talking to them probably won't work because they need to own the responsibility. They will figure out the housing and pensions situation for themselves. They are not lacking competence, just need to take responsibility for themselves. You can let them do this!

Why are you putting yourself in this position? Are you being pressured to bail people out? Do they pay you back? Are you being financially abused or are you volunteering to help?

You need to take care of yourself, not your grown up brother with his own family. He got himself a wife, job and children and moved abroad just fine, he managed to get credit cards just fine, he will be just fine when you come back.

You need to take a step back emotionally. You can offer sympathy without offering cash.

If he can’t afford to immediately buy in the SE then maybe he shouldn’t do that???

He can rent and build up more savings, or his wife can get a job. Not entirely sure why you’d ’bail someone out’ with 30k on them?

I might have 10k and want a huge house but it’s batshittery to expect siblings to fund my life choices.

Just drop the rope. They've made their choices and they know the situation. At least they're coming back and have a chance to build up some pension. The £30K could go towards a deposit on shared ownership housing or pay 6 months rent upfront for a private rental. Don't bail them or any of your other siblings out with money again - nobody should expect that from a sibling.

If you really need to say something, just say "It'll be lovely to have you and the DC back. Might be a good plan to crunch some numbers regarding house buying in various areas, just so you know the full picture". Then you've said your bit and leave it up to them.

Don't bail people out.
Don't concern yourself with people's private business and finances. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Drop bailing them out. Stop taking about his finances "Well it's not my business" and repeat.

As everyone else said, stop bailing them out. Detach. They are adults making choices you don't agree with, that's all.
If you find this difficult, you would benefit from working on understanding why you feel responsible for them like this. Signposting them to services that could help them when they get into trouble is a good thing to do. Bailing them out - I assume you mean giving them money - isn't.

Out of interest are 'Billy no mates', 'nasty Nigel' and 'smart Alec' misandrist?

Thanks everyone I totally forgot that I posted this before my (very busy!) working day. It’s interesting that everyone is just saying don’t bail them out. I thought it was quite common in families to help each other out but maybe it isn’t. My dad was really good with money (despite not being a high earner) and he used to bail them out. I guess since he died I took on that role. But you guys are right, I don’t need to! I will stop.

To the people saying it’s weird talking about other people’s finances, it’s not me initiating the conversations, it’s my mum and my other siblings bringing it up like “wow they are going to get so much money”, but, like I said before, really it isn’t (considering they have no savings and pension!) I guess I’m someone that finds it hard to let inaccuracies slide (aka a pedant) but it’s not really my job to correct them.

Basically they just come to me and say x has happened and we can’t pay for it, can you lend us £. Usually it’s like £1k ish which is not really a problem for me to lend. My brother pays back reliably but other siblings don’t 😫

I guess it’s quite obvious that I am the higher earner in the family (professional well paid job) so to a certain extent I’d feel shitty saying no when I can afford it, but their inability to make sensible choices annoys me.

If he pays you back then I wouldn't stop lending him money.

What your other family members think is their problem.

One of (the few) pluses of teaching is you really can do it anywhere in the country. Plenty of places that have cheap property and are great to live.

1- You dont have to lent siblings money. Or you can have some very strict rules - like not lending any money until orevious lot has been repaid!!
2- your sibling abroad (and his dwife) can pay into the state pension here. I hope they have. And if they haven’t they can still pay for some of the missed years (even though I’m pretty sure not all of them)
3- don’t bother giving people advice they’re not asking for. It’s a waste of time.

They would make different choices if they didn't have you to fall back on. I'm sorry but they feel entitled to your money.

The only way to stop them treating you like a mug is to stick to your boundaries.

Ask your other siblings to pay you back. If they don't, then next time you ask say I'm afraid I don't have the spare cash. And hold your ground.

Tell them before they ask, that from now on you're not going to do loans.
It sounds like they'll probably fritter away the £30k. If they know borrowing from you is no longer an option, they might be more careful.